Ivy League, 100 AD

“We knew this day was coming,” laments an anonymous faculty member at New College of Florida, the state’s Honors College in Sarasota.  “It’s sadder than a flash freeze in an orange grove the night before harvesting.”

Pursuant to an Executive Order from Governor Ron DeSantis, on September 1, 2023 New College will begin a journey in which it reverts to what the Governor describes as an “educational state of nature.” 

What, exactly, does that mean?

In DeSantis’s words, “we will return New College to the pure, uncontaminated, educational Eden that characterized institutions of higher education centuries ago.  With one exception, no books or ‘scientific’ journals will be allowed on campus.  This will significantly reduce the likelihood of our students being infected with that syphilitic destroyer of young minds: COGNITION. 

“The one exception to the book prohibition will, of course, be the Bible (Floridian translation).  Every student will be provided with one, bound in genuine Everglades alligator hide, and every course in every discipline will draw exclusively from this divinely inspired source.    

“I promise you: New College will make learning great again.

“And yes, our school WILL, for the first time, field an NCAA Division I football team, with linemen the size of Hummer H1 X3’s.  Be afraid, Crimson Tide of Alabama, be very afraid.  We’re going to go Jurassic Park all over your ass.”