Sexual harassment on college campuses remains one of the most stubborn challenges facing higher education. Virtually every week there are reports of male professors being accused of pressuring female students for sex or engaging in other inappropriate behaviors towards them.
Finally, a major university has decided to take drastic action to address the problem.
Beginning in September 2021, Purdue University will only hire male faculty members who are 9 years old or younger. (Female hires will not be subject to this policy.)
According to Purdue President Mitch Daniels, “the vast majority of boys 9 and under have not reached puberty, so the likelihood that they will engage in serious sexual mischief is slim. Our female students deserve to be in an environment that is not suffused with the leering of a Pervy Perverson wandering around the classroom, peering down their blouses.”
But how can 9-year-old boys be expected to teach college courses?
“Not a problem. All classes will employ a group discussion format. The instructor will begin each session with the question, ‘So, what did you think of the reading for today?’ And off they’ll go. If necessary, the instructor will use follow-up prompts such as ‘Say more about that’, ‘Please elaborate’, and ‘What are some other ways of thinking about this issue?’
What happens when the boys hit puberty in 3 or 4 years?
“Once again, not a problem. We let them go. All of these youngsters will be considered adjunct faculty, which means they basically have no rights recognized by the U. S. Constitution. As a cost-saving measure, this new policy is a gift from God. For example, we won’t have to spend a penny on health insurance, since the boys will be covered under their parents’ plan. Oh, Sweet Jesus, this is a great deal!”
Are there any downsides?
“Spitballs and hair-pulling. Pre-teen boys can be a pain in the ass in their own right. Female students will be encouraged not to wear pigtails in class. Also, we’ve found that young male instructors like to make fart noises, or actually fart, throughout the class. We’ll have to do something about that. But, truly, these are minor issues.”
What will happen to the adult male faculty members currently at Purdue?
“Mainly, we’ll offer them buy-outs and phased retirement plans. We might try to place some of them in boarding schools for girls in New England or Thailand, if they so desire. We have connections in both places.
“I guarantee you, a year from now Purdue University is going to have a kick-ass boys’ choir — the best one in the Big Ten!”
Close your eyes, listen carefully, and let the Ode to Joy wash over you.