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TRUE FACT:  Every member of the University of Virginia volleyball staff was fired three weeks ago, with UVA Athletics Director Carla Williams saying that she was “unable to comment on the details.”  The team will resume play next season.  (The Cavalier Daily, March 18 online).

Now the mystery has deepened.

Yesterday, all of the team’s volleyballs — over 60 in number — received termination notices.  This includes volleyballs with game experience, as well as those that had only participated in practice sessions, along with unused balls that had never been taken out of the box.

“This is a real head-scratcher,” observes veteran Las Vegas volleyball oddsmaker Isidore “Izzy” Del Fuego.  “It raises the question of what did these volleyballs know, and when did they know it?  Are all of them being punished for the actions of a few?  Or is this just a case of one volleyball looking like every other volleyball, making it impossible to identify who the real offenders are without a ball coming forward?”

Volleyballs are notorious for their unwillingness to “jump the net” — the sport’s slang for snitching on one’s peers — and it is rumored that UVA police deflated several balls in an attempt to intimidate the others into speaking.  

Adding to the intrigue is the discovery this morning of a deceased UVA volleyball with multiple puncture wounds in a wooded area on the outskirts of Charlottesville.  It is unclear whether the wounds were self-inflicted, and no note was found in the immediate vicinity.  

Del Fuego is confident that the truth will eventually come out in this noir saga.  “It always does,” he asserts.  “I guarantee you, there is a volleyball out there with a story to tell, and it won’t be pretty.”

 

Irritated faculty members routinely take no-confidence votes in their leaders, such as the one that preceded the recent resignation of the embattled President at Oregon State University. 

Unfortunately, as a linguistic device the phrase “no confidence” is lame.  It lacks intensity, evoking an image of disinterested parents watching their nerd-child attempt a free throw in a middle-school basketball game and thinking, “yep, we have no confidence that our kid is gonna make this shot.”  Yawn.  

With this limitation in mind, the Faculty Senate at the University of Vermont has decided to bring some bona fide roid rage to the table.  On Wednesday it introduced a hard-hitting no-confidence indicator that is destined to become the gold standard for such judgments at colleges and universities across the country.  

Dubbed the Get the Hell Out of Dodge Scale, it allows faculty to repudiate a deficient President at any one of eight levels of intensity:

1.  “You Suck at Your Job”

2.  “You Suck at Your Job, and You’re Arrogant”

3.  “You Suck at Your Job, You’re Arrogant, and You Lie Most of the Time”

4.  “You Suck at Your Job, You’re Arrogant, and You Lie ALL of the Time”

5.  “All of the above, plus You Drive a Cherry-Red Tesla with ‘The Prez’ Stenciled on its Doors, Trunk, Hood, and Roof”

6.  “All of the above, plus You Once Told a Reporter that You Consider Tenured Professors to be the Dinosaur Poop of the University: Ancient and Useless”  

7.  “All of the above, plus You Helped Drug Lord El Chapo Escape from Prison Twice”

8.  “You’re Satan; We Recommend that the Board of Regents Strip You Naked, Tie You to a Stake in the Desert, Cover Your Body with Honey, and Let the Fire Ants Do Their Thing.  This Event Should be Celebrated Annually as a University Holiday, and include a Parade and Student/Faculty Softball Game”

Laminated copies of the scale may be obtained from the University of Vermont Faculty Senate.

 

Michigan State University recently announced that Rocket Mortgage will become the “presenting sponsor” of its men’s basketball team.  Throughout MSU’s Breslin Student Events Center (where home games are played), the team will be known as the “MSU Spartans Presented by Rocket Mortgage” (MSU Athletics Website, updated March 12th).  

The funding bonanza for MSU resulting from this agreement has not been lost on Our Lady of the Sycamores College, a small Catholic women’s institution in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

On Wednesday the school revealed that it had entered into a relationship with divinity powerhouse Almighty God, in which the college’s lacrosse team, the Saplings, will become the “Sycamore Saplings Sponsored by the Virgin Mary.”

According to OLSC President Monica Xambor-O’Banyon, “the Virgin Mary is a huge fan of women’s lacrosse — she played as a teenager and felt empowered by the experience.  Her fortune exceeds that of Jeff Bezos’s ex-wife.  Mary spends very little money on herself, though she does collect 16th-century jade rosaries and uses an exotic Ecuadorian skin cream made from angels’ tears and vanilla yogurt.  I can promise you that our team’s locker room is going to get a serious upgrade next year.”

When asked if the terms of the Virgin’s sponsorship mandate chastity on the part of team members during the season, the President indicated that privacy laws prohibited her from commenting.  However, she did note — with a wink — that Michigan State’s agreement with Rocket Mortgage does not require its players to make a down payment on a house in order to remain with the team.  

Diversity/Equity Statement for Proposal TNK-412: Role of Peptide Ganglia in Digestive Processes of the Arctic Snow Worm

Submitted by:  Dr. Frederick Yarf

Institution:  University of Iowa (Department of Biology)

Date:  March 19, 2021

At first glance it might not appear that the proposed research project could shed significant light on critical issues of racial privilege and social justice currently facing our nation. 

Such a conclusion would be premature.

Please consider the following:

—  The arctic snow worm’s natural habitat is the region surrounding the North Pole.  This area is largely composed of snow and ice, both of which are almost entirely white.  Why is that?  The digestive system of the snow worm could hold the key to answering this question. 

—  Polar bears, whose diet consists of snow worms, are also white.  What’s up with that?  There seems to be an emerging pattern here.  Archaeological evidence suggests that, approximately 2,500 years ago, polar bears drove penguins and other birds of color out of the northernmost region of the Arctic Circle.  Was this “power play” a natural consequence of the massive size of the bears, or were the dynamics more complex?  Focus groups will be held with polar bears, snow worms, and penguins to explore this issue in depth. 

—  Finally, there is the long-standing mystery of what motivated the Beatles to record their legendary “White Album” in 1968.  Were snow worms involved?  What about polar bears?  The research team will interview Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, and George Harrison (JL and GH via Skype) concerning this matter. 

Thank you for considering my application.  

Respectfully submitted,

Frederick Yarf, Ph.D. 

 

 

On Tuesday a University of Texas committee, charged with researching the history of “The Eyes of Texas,” reported that the 1903 song had not been written with racist intent (Washington Post, March 9th online).  That’s good news for those who’d like to continue hearing this anthem at Longhorn sporting events.  

At Auburn University, however, the musical news is not nearly as heartening.  

A faculty task force there has concluded that the Alabama school’s fight song, “You Best Not Be Staring at That White Woman Over Yonder,” does have racial overtones. 

“It’s subtle, but a veiled racist warning can be discerned in the lyrics,” says Auburn History Professor Claymoor Poddle, chairperson of the task force.  The song was written in 1873 by Mervyn “Muskrat” Stook, who was serving as warden of Alabama’s Lee County Jail at the time.  

“Our recommendation to Auburn’s President is that ‘Over Yonder’ be phased out after the upcoming 2021 football season.  Abruptly deleting this beloved song could alienate the team’s fiercely devoted fan base in a hurtful fashion.  Nobody wants that — not in a year when the Tigers could win it all in the SEC!”  

The Erie Times-News reports that “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” often referred to as the “Black national anthem,” now follows the “Star-Spangled Banner” prior to every home athletic event at Gannon College (Feb. 7th online). 

At Syracuse University, it’s a bit more complicated.   

A proposal to adopt the “Gannon Approach” at Syracuse was met with opposition when agreement could not be reached on which song should be played first.  After a week of deliberation, the Syracuse administration decided to alternate the order of the anthems from one game to the next.

However, the night before this decision was to be announced, a rogue student choir, Jagged Edge, stormed the campus library and demanded that “America the Beautiful” be added to the roster of pregame songs. 

Syracuse President Kent Syverud immediately turned the matter over to the Faculty Senate for resolution.  On March 3rd the Senate offered its recommendation, which the President accepted:

Employing a trio of Yamaha S215V Speakers, all three songs should broadcast simultaneously at the  beginning of every sporting event at the University.   

“The overall sound will be awesome,” according to Syverud.  “Sure, it might be difficult to discern the precise lyrics of your preferred anthem amidst the cacophony, but our nation is a melting pot, right?  Well, at 200 decibels, you can bet we’re gonna melt this mutha DOWN!”

Syracuse Faculty Senate, take a bow. 

True Fact:  The Shapiro Undergraduate Library at the University of Michigan recently closed for a couple of days after 3 Mediterranean recluse spiders were found in a basement storage area there (Detroit Free Press, Feb. 23rd online).  

Not surprisingly, college librarians across the country have reacted with embarrassment.  “The last thing we need right now is confirmation of a stereotype that librarians are laughably meek,” claims Kate Menifee-Sprengler, Circulation Director at the San Diego State University library.  “Our library is only 8.4 miles from the San Diego Zoo, and escaped creatures show up here on a regular basis.  We don’t close down the damn building…..we just deal with it.

“For example, last spring an anaconda found its way into the 18th-Century British History section of the stacks and swallowed a sophomore English major.  Unfortunate?  Of course.  But, hey, life goes on.  Three days later we installed a sign at the entrance to that section saying “Watch out for anacondas.”  There have been no further incidents. 

“Want another example?  A rabid cheetah took up residence in our 3rd-floor men’s bathroom a couple of months ago.  We simply put yellow CRIME-SCENE tape across the door and redirected traffic to a 4th-floor restroom that had been cleared of a murder-hornet infestation the previous year.  Problem solved.  

“We handle stuff like this all the time, and never shut down because of it.  Hell, last week I was bitten on the forearm by an orangutan that had gotten into the staff lunch room, and I didn’t even go to the infirmary.  Here, take a look at these incisor marks — they go all the way down to the bone, by the way.

“And what would you have us do about Crawley Crawlerson, the Mathematics professor who was denied tenure in 1998 and has been living in the air-conditioning ductwork above the main Reading Room ever since?  Sure, in the evening he occasionally startles a jittery undergrad, but Crawley is basically harmless.  Should we hunt him down and throw him out?  I don’t think so.”

“Michigan librarians, it’s time for you folks to SUCK….IT….UP and do your job!”

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that “the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and the University of California at Berkeley are forbidding on-campus students to exercise outdoors, in an effort to bring coronavirus transmission under control” (February 11th online).

So, what should students at these two schools do to stay physically fit?

Have sex. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here, in its entirety, is the joint statement issued by the Chancellors of the two institutions:

Dear Students —

Having sex in the secure environment of your dorm room is one of the safest things you can do right now.  In a typical heterosexual episode lasting 24 minutes, the male expends 101 calories and the female, 69.  These figures might need to be adjusted slightly for same-sex encounters (which we’re fine with, by the way), but the fundamental message is clear: having sex is a great way to discharge pent-up energy after a long day of quarantining with Zoom classes. 

Let’s do the math, shall we?  If you have sex just 5 times a day — which should not be a challenge if you’re between 18 and 22 — you’ll burn over 500 calories daily if you’re a male and nearly 350 if you’re a female.  Incorporating a trapeze into these encounters can triple the calories you expend.  GOOD JOB!

So, go ahead and have fun, but make sure to practice safe sex by wearing a mask.  Also, the chaplains at both of our institutions have indicated that “solitaire sex” should not be engaged in under ANY circumstances.  Such behavior is sinful, and burns relatively few calories.  

Thank you for your attention, and we hope you have a terrific semester! 

Sometimes higher education gets it right.

 

 

Yes, This is True:  On February 2nd, Missouri’s Western District Court of Appeals ruled that employees of the University of Missouri System, including faculty, can bring guns to campus, but they do NOT have the right to fire those weapons there.  

At first glance, the logic of this decision might seem questionable.  However, the Court notes in an addendum that “our decision does not prohibit employees from using a gun to pistol-whip miscreants.  Indeed, given the annoying behavior of so many college students these days, the Court strongly encourages faculty members to use firearms in this way whenever issuing reprimands in face-to-face classes.  There are times when a bloodied forehead or a broken nose can be much more powerful than a lecture in sending a vital educational message to everyone in the room.”

Lest we forget, Missouri is the Show-Me State, not the Coddle-Me State.

Sexual harassment on college campuses remains one of the most stubborn challenges facing higher education.  Virtually every week there are reports of male professors being accused of pressuring female students for sex or engaging in other inappropriate behaviors towards them. 

Finally, a major university has decided to take drastic action to address the problem. 

Beginning in September 2021, Purdue University will only hire male faculty members who are 9 years old or younger.  (Female hires will not be subject to this policy.) 

According to Purdue President Mitch Daniels, “the vast majority of boys 9 and under have not reached puberty, so the likelihood that they will engage in serious sexual mischief is slim.  Our female students deserve to be in an environment that is not suffused with the leering of a Pervy Perverson wandering around the classroom, peering down their blouses.”

But how can 9-year-old boys be expected to teach college courses?

“Not a problem.  All classes will employ a group discussion format.  The instructor will begin each session with the question, ‘So, what did you think of the reading for today?’  And off they’ll go.  If necessary, the instructor will use follow-up prompts such as ‘Say more about that’, ‘Please elaborate’, and ‘What are some other ways of thinking about this issue?’

What happens when the boys hit puberty in 3 or 4 years?

“Once again, not a problem.  We let them go.  All of these youngsters will be considered adjunct faculty, which means they basically have no rights recognized by the U. S. Constitution.  As a cost-saving measure, this new policy is a gift from God.  For example, we won’t have to spend a penny on health insurance, since the boys will be covered under their parents’ plan.  Oh, Sweet Jesus, this is a great deal!”

Are there any downsides?

“Spitballs and hair-pulling.  Pre-teen boys can be a pain in the ass in their own right.  Female students will be encouraged not to wear pigtails in class.  Also, we’ve found that young male instructors like to make fart noises, or actually fart, throughout the class.  We’ll have to do something about that.  But, truly, these are minor issues.”

What will happen to the adult male faculty members currently at Purdue?

“Mainly, we’ll offer them buy-outs and phased retirement plans.  We might try to place some of them in boarding schools for girls in New England or Thailand, if they so desire.  We have connections in both places. 

“I guarantee you, a year from now Purdue University is going to have a kick-ass boys’ choir — the best one in the Big Ten!”

Close your eyes, listen carefully, and let the Ode to Joy wash over you.