Author: Michael Morris

Yes, the pandemic has wreaked havoc upon college athletics.  Indeed, The Chronicle of Higher Education recently noted that “even universities as rich as Stanford are dropping sports that don’t generate significant ticket sales or television revenue, thereby crushing the dreams of swimmers, fencers, and rowers.”

In this meanest of all seasons, who would have thought that the much maligned NCAA would come to the rescue of higher education?  Well, the organization took a major step in that direction on Monday, when it officially approved the hybrid sport of swencing, in which two low-revenue sports — swimming and fencing — are combined in a single competition.  

In swencing, pairs of swimmers face each other in adjacent lanes and race (using the sidestroke) while fencing.  According to NCAA Commissioner Mark Emmert, schools that replace swimming and fencing teams with a single swencing squad effectively cut their expenses by 50%.

To be sure, there are a few glitches that need to be overcome.  The major one, Emmert observes, is “blood in the water.  If the competitors are using sharply pointed épées, and one of those babies punctures a vein or artery, you’ve got a mess on your hands.  Of course, you could employ blunted épées, but our TV contract with Fox Sports stipulates that only stiletto-pointed épées are acceptable.  

“Naturally, that raises the question of the occasional fatality occurring during a match, which results in a body sinking to the bottom of the pool while competitors in other lanes continue to duel and race.  We’ve tried deploying strategically placed piranha to keep the bottom clean, but those feisty little predators can’t resist the churning legs of the survivors swimming at the surface.  That only compounds the blood-in-the-water problem.  In any event, we’re optimistic that this obstacle can be surmounted. 

“To be honest, the folks at Fox see the piranha as a ratings booster.  They claim that viewers will enjoy watching the competitors simultaneously battle their opponents and the piranha while attempting to win their races.”

University Life reporters attended a swencing exhibition featuring UCLA and the University of Florida on Monday, and dammit, Fox may have a point.  Piranha-enhanced swencing ROCKS!

 

 

 

True Fact:  The American Historical Association has joined a lawsuit against the Trump administration, claiming that the White House is failing to comply with the Presidential Records Act and is denying historians access to “records documenting a critical part of our nation’s history.”

However, not every scholar is on board with the lawsuit.  A splinter group, the Positive Past Coalition (PPC), has filed an amicus curiae brief in the case, arguing that all records documenting the Trump administration’s actions should be destroyed.  Here’s an excerpt from the PPC’s brief:

“Our society would best be served if all reminders of the uncapped, chunk-filled septic tank known as the Trump administration were expunged.  The stench inside the Beltway since 2017 has been overpowering, devastating both flora and fauna, and no beneficial purpose is accomplished by having a clown car filled with academics diving into this muck in the name of discovering ‘the facts’.

“Let’s be honest.  Does it really matter if one determines that a particular pile of steaming poop in the meadow was deposited by a horse, a cow, or the President’s Chief of Staff?  It’s ALL poop.

“Nothing good comes from dredging up, and rubbing one’s nose in, a sordid past.  Think of how much better off everyone would be if we could simply forget that slavery existed in the United States.  Recalling that noxious chapter in our history only puts people in a bad mood, and — more importantly — makes white folks uncomfortable whenever they just want to relax on their couch on a Friday night and watch Gone with the Wind on Turner Classic Movies without feeling guilty.  Is that too much to ask?

“The historian’s responsibility is NOT to remind people of their unpleasant encounters with food poisoning, but to help them recall the flavor of all those delicious burgers and curly fries they consumed as they strolled down life’s boardwalk.  C’mon, professors, let’s do our job!”

Would someone please pass the ketchup? 

 

TRUE FACT:  On November 17th the University of California system announced that students, employees, alumni, and others will be able to use their “lived name” rather than their legal name when interacting with the system.   A lived name is a “self-chosen personal or preferred professional name.”  The announcement describes this policy as a “milepost in the University’s commitment to equity and inclusion for all.” 

A noble sentiment, to be sure.

BUT…..

……here are a few dispatches from the Department of Unintended Consequences:

—  Latrell W., a junior at UC-Berkeley, took advantage of this policy to rename himself “Usher,” in honor of the R&B heartthrob.  He told reporters that his “luck with the ladies” increased ten-fold in the days that followed.  NOTE:  Late last night Mr. W was shot in the leg by Nicole R., an Applebee’s waitress who claimed “that scrawny son of a bitch lied to me about who he was.  I gave my heart to him, as well as the keys to my 2009 Corolla.  I’m just sorry I didn’t hit an artery.”

—  Robin G., a sophomore at UC-Santa Cruz, now goes by the name “Hummus.”  She told University Life: “As a vegan, I can no longer accept being named after a bird, which is a form of meat, and meat is beyond gross.  I hate my parents for giving me this name when I was too young to know what was going on.  I truly despise them.  But I love hummus.”

— Mitch L., a senior at UC-Irvine, has become “Zanzibar.”  Why Zanzibar?  “I did my capstone Political Science paper on the letter Z, and Zanzibar is — by far — the coolest semi-autonomous region in Tanzania!  By the way, have you ever tried snorting dried bird suet laced with cayenne pepper and cinnamon?  Whoa!  Most.  Intense.  Rush.  OF A LIFETIME.”

—  Madeline R., a 52-year-old Professor of Humanities at UCLA, is now “Genitalia.”  She informed her Industrial Poetry seminar on Thursday that “today I am choosing a name that reverences my blossoming and my recent divorce.  My former husband never comprehended the essence of my chakra in the 27 years we were married, not for a moment.  Behold Genitalia!“

—  Tyrell P., a UC-Riverside sophomore from Jamaica, has changed his name to “White Privilege.”  His reasoning is straightforward:  “Oh, mon, nutting gives me more pleasure than messing with the minds of white people!”

And nothing should, WP.  Nothing should.    

 

 

 

The November 13th hard-copy edition of The Chronicle of Higher Education includes a full-page, two-sided, construction-paper-quality insert highlighting the rankings of the University of Florida on six dimensions, including Innovation Impact (#1), Best Public University (#6), and Best Value in Public Colleges (#2).

That’s all well and good for the Gators, but what can a school do if it doesn’t fare well on the dimensions that are typically ranked by sources such as U.S. News & World Report?  

Well, hello, McKinsey & Company!  The New-York based consulting behemoth has stepped into the breach.  For a flat fee of $75,000, it will track down a publication that has given your college or university a high rating on a dimension that can be used in advertising and recruiting.  Here is what they’ve come up with for a few of their recent clients:

—  Mississippi State University:  3rd-lowest rate of gonorrhea among undergraduates in the Southeastern Conference (STD Annual Review)

—  University of Tulsa:  The only school in Oklahoma where over 30% of graduating seniors know the difference between it’s and its (Writers’ Quarterly)

—  Gettysburg College:  Offers more flavors of Ben & Jerry’s at the Campus Creamery than any other school in Pennsylvania (Lick Monthly)

—  DePaul University:  Ranked #4 in percentage of deceased alumni who enter the Catholic section of heaven without a forced layover in Purgatory; ranked #6 in percentage of undergraduates whose prayers to God for assistance during final exams are answered directly by a member of the Holy Trinity rather than a low-ranking angel (Vatican Daily)

—  Oberlin College:  Ranked #5 in percentage of philosophy majors who can distinguish between post-modernism, Post Raisin Bran, and the U.S. Postal Service (Foucault Institute Journal)

—  Yale University:  Ranked #1 in “Harvard Envy” among top-tier institutions in the Northeast (Center of the Universe Digest)

NOTE:  McKinsey will refund, with interest, your $5000 deposit if it fails to find, within 30 days, a publication that ranks your school #5 or higher on something.  Seriously, can your institution afford to pass up an offer like this?

 

 

 

In a dramatic move that has stunned the higher education community, Harvard and Yale will spend ALL of their endowment on campaign ads over the next 72 hours in an attempt to ensure President Trump’s defeat on Election Day.  

Just for the record, that’s $41.9 billion for Harvard, and $31.2 billion for Yale.

The schools will purchase every minute of broadcast time on every TV network and cable channel in the nation, starting at 12:01 am on Saturday and continuing until 11:59 Monday night.  All regular programming will be suspended.  

Each 30-second ad will consist of a different U. S. citizen staring directly into the camera and calmly saying, “Seriously, we REALLY can’t go through four more years of this.  Joe Biden may be as exciting as a lukewarm bowl of Cream of Rice, but at least he won’t contribute to the U-turn that human evolution is currently taking in the United States.”  The ads will be directed by Steven Spielberg, Spike Lee, Martin Scorsese, and Ava DuVernay, with background humming provided by the Vienna Boys’ Choir. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “this is a financial risk we have to take.  What’s the point of being an elite university if you live in a country where the next Secretary of Education might be a graduate of QAnon Community College, a school whose only major is Batshit Crazy?“

Harvard and Yale will NOT be joined by Princeton University in this last-minute endeavor.  As Princeton President Christopher Eisgruber put it, “our magnolia-scented institution has historically taken pride in its Confederate ambience.  In my view, the jury is still out on Donald Trump’s presidency, so I think it’s only fair to give him these last few days of the campaign to turn things around in our nation.  As a professional courtesy, however, I’ll be sending Larry Bacow a check for $100 tomorrow, to use as he sees fit.”

Undergraduates at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor have been ordered by the Washtenaw County Health Department to “stay in place” due to a sharp increase in COVID-19 cases on campus (Chronicle of Higher Education online, October 20).

Behind the scenes, however, University Life has uncovered a more complicated story, both tragic and bittersweet.  

According to an anonymous University of Michigan administrator, three weeks ago the school initiated a new policy for dealing with students who tested positive for the coronavirus after violating safety protocols:  the students were required to perform community service by volunteering at local nursing homes and assisted living facilities. 

As the administrator put it, “our intentions were noble, but in retrospect it’s clear that we didn’t think through the potential consequences of this policy.  For example, the population of the Happy Wrinkles Nursing Home in nearby Barton Hills quickly shrunk from 350 to 22.” 

“Residents were dropping like flies in a horse barn sprayed with Raid,” lamented Happy Wrinkles Executive Director Clyde Gansling III.  “It was a damn shame.  And we only had three ventilators from Family Dollar on hand for the entire facility, which didn’t help matters.”

Amidst all this catastrophic misery and shortness of breath at Happy Wrinkles there were some joyous encounters.  Here is 97-year-old Minnie Cohenstein:  “My late husband Sol was a wonderful man, but for most of our 70-year marriage he was a no-show in the romance department.  And then, at ceramics class one afternoon in the Sun Room, I met Thad, a sophomore poetry major from the University.  Never have I felt more fulfilled as a woman than during the two weeks we spent together.  I’ll just stop there.  I’m a lady, you know.” 

When asked for his comments, Thad simply smiled and said, “Minnie taught me so much.  About life.  About love.  About how a small trampoline and some clam dip can be used to enhance a relationship.  I had no idea that community service could be so meaningful.  I wish her well.”

Well, it’s come to this:  Brigham Young University-Idaho has warned its students not to intentionally expose themselves to COVID-19 in order to get more money for their plasma from local blood centers (East Idaho News online, October 12). 

In response, students at the Mormon school in Rexburg, Idaho are poised to do battle with the administration.   Here is Jason Husker-Du, a junior Political Science major and chair of the undergraduate student government’s Che Guevara Revolutionary Task Force:  “Show me where it says in the Book of Mormon, the Golden Plates, or the United States Constitution that voluntarily contracting an illness in the name of financial profit is forbidden.  You can’t show me, because there’s no mention of that topic, and certainly no mention of COVID-19, in any of those sources.  Ergo, you can’t stop us.  I’m pretty sure that Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett would agree with me on this, strict constructionist that she is.  

“Simply put, BYU has no right to tell us what we can do with our immune system or our plasma.  It’s bad enough that they require us to remain virginal until marriage.  Have you seen Willow Taffeta-Newsom, my girlfriend who plays on the volleyball team?  Oh.  My.  God.”

Yesterday, the University administration blinked.   School officials announced that they would allow students to embrace the coronavirus, as long as they tithed their plasma earnings to BYU, with the funds being used to buy iPads for the school’s new Esports concentration in its Bachelor’s Pre-Med program. 

Husker-Du’s reply:  “Sure, we’ll consider their offer, as long as they’re also willing to discuss our proposal for premarital-sex vouchers for all undergraduates.  The voucher topic has to be on the table, and really, really soon.  Like, before this Saturday night.  I’m not kidding.” 

 

 

 

In a press release yesterday, God Almighty (yes, that God Almighty) took full responsibility for the failure of Reverend John L. Jenkins, President of the University of Notre Dame, to wear a mask at the White House Rose Garden ceremony where Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was introduced. 

“MY BAD!” said God.  “Notre Dame is a major Catholic university, and I should have provided John with the sort of guidance I routinely give to John DeGioia and William Leahy, my bros at Georgetown and Boston College.

“Here’s the deal:  I was distracted at the time of the Rose Garden event, but that’s no excuse.  I was immersed in planning Hurricane Delta, and the Celestial Council was urging me to have Delta slam Haiti and Puerto Rico instead of Louisiana.  I resisted.  Those poor bastards in Haiti never catch a break.  If it’s not a hurricane, it’s an earthquake.  And if it’s not an earthquake, then it’s decades of incredibly inept and corrupt political leadership.  The Council thought it would be hilarious to wallop Haiti again, but I just couldn’t do it.  For Pete’s sake, let’s give them time to at least buy a few hundred portable toilets before we blow away what remains of their infrastructure!  God is supposed to be merciful, right?  I realize that I got out of the social justice business a long time ago, but a little mercy never hurt anybody.

“In any event, I totally forgot about President Jenkins.  One day he’s in South Bend overseeing the Fighting Irish football team, and the next thing I know he’s sitting in a crowd of unmasked cretins in the Rose Garden.  I’m sure he just got caught up in the moment.  It’s not his fault!

“Just for the record, when I unleashed COVID-19 I had NO idea that you folks in the United States were going to f**k up your response so badly.  I just wanted to give the world a fun public health challenge to grapple with for a couple of months, and then move on.  I fully expected that ALL countries would handle the pandemic in the swift, decisive fashion that New Zealand did.  I must admit, New Zealand’s Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, really stepped up to the plate and showed me something.  She’s the real deal.  

“Her leadership has got me thinking.  I may have to revisit the Catholic Church’s policy of not allowing women to be priests.  Joan of Arc and the Virgin Mary have been squawking about this issue on their Fire and Ice podcast for centuries.

“Stay tuned…..and wear your mask.”

“This has nothing to do with money.”

That claim was made by University of Oregon President Michael Schill during a Zoom press conference on September 24th, when the PAC-12 announced that it would indeed have a fall football season, after previously saying that it would not do so because of the pandemic.  

What occurred next in the press conference can only be described as bizarre:  Schill’s image on the Zoom screen became increasingly fuzzy, and then gradually transformed itself into a crystal-clear depiction of a proboscis monkey, the one with a huge nose.  Schill’s voice continued to be heard, but now the words were coming out of the monkey’s mouth.

What had just happened?  Emory University primatologist Natalie Savoir-Faire offered a compelling explanation:

“Many people believe that when a person utters a falsehood, his or her nose grows longer like Pinocchio’s.  There IS a grain of truth in that belief, since lying is associated with a surge of adrenaline, and adrenaline can stimulate cartilage growth in the nasal region. 

“In this case, however, President Schill apparently told a lie that was SO outrageously huge that the foundational molecular structure of his body was totally reconstituted, with an emphasis, once again, on the nose.  This is a rare event, to be sure, but it does occur once every decade or so.”

Will President Schill eventually return to his human form?

“He might, but as long as he sticks to his story about the money, it’s highly unlikely.  You can deceive the American public, but you can’t fool your own protoplasm.”

University Life is on hiatus this week.  Our lead reporters are on assignment in Washington, DC, covering the unfolding Greek tragicomedy surrounding the Supreme Court.  For interested readers, here are links to the two stories they have published in the Washington Post:

https://humoroutcasts.com/2020/mcconnell-promises-to-torch-reputation-of-u-s-senate-once-and-for-all/

https://humoroutcasts.com/2020/mitt-reaches-quota-resets-for-2021/

We are so proud of Gretchen and Hector for their fine work.  University Life will be back next week, bringing you the trenchant analysis that has won awards for higher education reporting from the National Football League, the Vatican, and Sha’nelle’s Nail Salon and Shoe Repair Shop.

Thanks so much for your continued support.  Spread the word.