Tough Love

Least Surprising True Fact in North America:  The scandal-ridden University of Michigan has hired a consulting firm to help the school “change the culture of sexual misconduct surrounding numerous accused faculty members,” according to The Detroit News.  

What is raising eyebrows, however, is the no-nonsense approach taken by this firm, an approach signaled by the company’s name: Keep It in Your Pants, Inc.  

University Life reporter Skip Wardlow recently interviewed the firm’s founder and CEO, retired U. S. Army Brigadier General Ted “Titanium Butt” Stent.  Here is a transcript of the conversation:

UL:  “What’s the key message you try to communicate in your consulting and training?”

Stent:  “Just ‘keep it in your pants’.  It’s as simple as that, son.”

UL:  “And how exactly do you communicate that message?”

Stent:  “We get people together in a classroom, in groups of 20 or so, and give them a brief PowerPoint presentation.  The first slide contains a single sentence in bold and all CAPS: ‘KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS’.” 

UL:  “And then what?”

Stent:  “Well, since we never use the P-word in our work, we present a second slide that shows four numbered photos: a baseball cap (#1), an avocado (#2), a chipmunk (#3), and a penis (#4).  We ask people to write down the number that corresponds to the ‘it’ that was mentioned in the first slide.  We do this because we want to make sure that folks know what the ‘it’ is that men are supposed to keep in their pants.”

UL:  “Why don’t you just use the word ‘penis’ when you present the first slide?”

Stent:  “That word can be a trauma trigger for some people, and cause them to hyperventilate.”

UL:  “But can’t photo #4 produce the same reaction?”

Stent:  “You would think so, but it almost never does.  It’s the damnedest thing.  In any event, just to be safe, at every training session we have in attendance a nurse, a paramedic, an aromatherapist, and a certified Reiki specialist.”

UL:  “I see.  So what happens after you determine that everyone knows what ‘it’ refers to?”

Stent:  “We discuss the consequences of NOT keeping it in your pants.”

UL:  “How do you that?”

Stent:  “I place a carrot about six inches long on top of the table at the front of the room.  Then I take a piece of lead pipe out of my briefcase, raise the pipe over my head in my right hand, and come down on that carrot like a vengeful God high on PCP, screaming ‘I will smite thee, O Serpent of Satan!’  When pipe meets carrot, it produces a sound that you wouldn’t believe.  I’ve shattered more than my share of table tops over the past few years.”

UL:  “Holy crap!  How do people respond when they see that?”

Stent:  “A lot of the men throw up, but most of the females either clap or cheer.  Skip, there’s a whole bunch of angry womenfolk out there.”

NOTE:  University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel says that he anticipates “a significant culture change at the school in the coming months.  Listen carefully, and you’ll hear the buzz of zippers being soldered shut all over campus.”