According to The Columbus Post Dispatch, Capital University — the oldest university in central Ohio — plans to stop using the nickname “Crusaders” for its sports teams.
The Crusades, of course, were a series of religious wars waged in the medieval era. The conflicts generated an impressive amount of carnage, especially when you consider the fact that the world did not yet have easy access to rapid-fire weaponry or NRA lobbying support.
The university will soon unveil a new, more acceptable nickname for its teams: the Inquisitors. As the director of the school’s Media Relations office noted during a press conference on Wednesday, “to the modern ear, the term ‘Crusader’ sounds militaristic and is off-putting, evoking images of religious zealots engaging in wholesale slaughter. ‘Inquisition’, on the other hand, has kinder, gentler connotations. It speaks to a search for incontrovertible truth guided by disciplined questioning directed at individuals, such as Galileo or our students, who possess an incomplete understanding of the universe . Isn’t that what higher education is all about? Isn’t that what we DO in our classes?”
But weren’t people tortured during the Inquisition?
“A few, sure. But what’s your point? The path to genuine enlightenment has always been filled with briars, thorns, and prickly hedgerows. One endures them and keeps moving forward. We feel really good about our choice of a nickname. Our new logo will feature a large question mark tied to a wooden stake surrounded by duraflame logs that have been set ablaze. It symbolizes the fierce passion for knowledge that Capital U is known for in central Ohio.
“Next question?”