University Life

True Story:  Rhonda E. Davis, a 60-year-old grandmother of 11 who resided in the dorms at Cheyney University, recently graduated from the Pennsylvania school as its valedictorian.  As one Cheyney official put it, “She’s such an inspiration, not only to the students, but to all of us.  The students follow her around like Mother Goose.”

The lesson to be learned here has not been lost on enrollment-challenged campuses around the country.  They are now scrambling to recruit uplifting role models who might motivate potential students to attend their institutions.  Three examples:

— Bismarck State College (North Dakota):  In September 2019 the iconic crooners Michael Bublé and Josh Groban will begin their freshman year at Bismarck, majoring in Fine Arts.  According to Daphne Permafrost, BSC’s Vice President for Enrollment Management, “too many high school seniors in our state are convinced that they must attend college in New York City or California in order to break into the music business.  With Mr. Bublé and Mr. Groban on our campus,  we hope that North Dakota teenagers who awaken at 4:30 every morning to harvest baby Ski-Doo’s on their parents’ snowmobile farms in Osnabrock and Walhalla will think of us as they belt out tunes from The Great American Songbook in the barn.  We expect the presence of these two gentlemen will also generate a spike in the number of middle-aged housewives who matriculate at BSC.”

— Oral Roberts University (Oklahoma):  In January 2020 Jesus of Nazareth will enroll as a second-semester freshman, accompanied by 15 Advanced Placement credits in Religion and Theology. “Jesus is a natural for us,” says Dean of Admissions Hasgood Crell. “He’s well-known, super-inspirational, and never went to college.  The competition to get him was fierce!  Liberty University offered him Birkenstock sandals for eternity.  Bob Jones University promised to let his Mom live in a furnished apartment on the edge of the campus; she and Joseph separated three years ago.  But the Advanced Placement credits apparently did the trick.  Jesus wants to graduate in three years.  There aren’t many folks, or deities, who are keen on spending four years in Tulsa.”

Jesus will be majoring in Criminal Justice, which Crell says “is not surprising, given everything he went through with Pontius Pilate.”

— City College of New York (NYC):  This summer, Country House, the thoroughbred racehorse who won the 2019 Kentucky Derby, will become a Special Student at City College.  “It’s a stroke of genius,” claims CCNY Provost Charleston Cravat.  “Our students are often uncertain of their ability to succeed in college, and feel that the odds are against them.  Well, the odds of Country House winning the Derby were 65 to 1, and look what happened!  Of course, he’ll need help with his writing skills at the beginning of the semester, so we’re building a stall for him right in the middle of our Center for Learning Resources and hired a Certified Horse Whisperer who’s also an English Composition tutor.  Undergraduates are going to look at them working together and think, ‘if Country House can do this, so can I’!”  

Rhonda Davis, what hath thou wrought?

Clemson University has awarded its football coach Dabo Swinney a 10-year contract worth $93 million, a non-trivial amount that also happens to be the richest contract in the history of the sport (no joke). 

It’s also the richest contract in the history of “Dabo’s.”

According to the state’s Department of Labor, Licensing and Regulation (LLR), this contract is by far the most lucrative one ever given to a man or woman named “Dabo” in South Carolina, dating back to the state’s birth in 1788.  Second place belongs to Clyde “Dabo” Skeeterson, a tool-and-die maker in Stuckey, South Carolina whose current salary is $43,000 a year before taxes. 

In a press conference on Wednesday, LLR Director Emily Farr remarked, “we hope that Clemson’s contract with Mr. Swinney inspires every young Dabo — and Dabette — throughout our beautiful state to study hard, stay in school, get a paper route, attend church on a regular basis, and strive to be the best they can be.  Go Tigers!!!”

When NCAA football leads the way, we all win. 

Many of you may be familiar with The Registry, a company that provides colleges and universities with interim leaders for positions such as President, Provost, and Dean.  This service can come in very handy when Campus Police discover your Vice President for Academic Affairs selling crystal meth out of a minivan during the tailgate celebration prior to the Big Game on Homecoming Weekend.

Now, similar assistance is available for institutions battling the optics associated with serious declines in enrollment.  Letter Sweater, Inc. will strategically place student impersonators (18 to 22 years old) throughout your campus, giving visitors the impression that the grounds are teeming with enthusiastic, happy undergraduates.  Their presence can be vital when applicants and their families are exploring your school.  No one wants to see a sparsely populated college quadrangle on a glorious spring day.

Letter Sweater’s offerings are tailored to an institution’s distinctive needs.  For example:

— Level I Package:  500 young people who reflect the demographic and other characteristics (race, nationality, sex, height, weight, etc.) of your current student population

— Aspirational Sampler:  500 young people who reflect the characteristics of the student population you’d LIKE to have

— Diversity Plus:  A virtual rainbow of observable physical variation that will make your campus look like the United Nations in a Mardi Gras reveler’s fever dream

— Stereotyped Technology/Hard Science Assortment:  Contains 30% more Asians!

— Nothing But Denim:  Jeans, jeans, jeans.  Everyone’s in jeans.

— Let’s Do Lunch:  All faux students are outfitted by one or more of the following: Ralph Lauren, Dockers, Calvin Klein, FUBU, Vineyard Vines, L. L. Bean, Lands’ End.  (Available only in New England)

— Budget Option:  Same selections as above, except that inflatables are used instead of flesh-and-blood humans.  Each inflatable is anchored to the ground and can be adjusted to sway, or not sway, with the breeze.  (Note: There is an extra charge for walking or running poses.)

All impersonators (excluding those in the Budget Option) possess a working knowledge of your school and its history, and are prepared to answer visitors’ questions in a positive, affirming fashion.  Inflatables are equipped with a motion detector and electronic voice box, and are programmed to exclaim “I love this place!” whenever someone penetrates their Response Zone (i.e., comes within three feet). 

Your student body may be disappearing faster than pizza slices at a fraternity party, but it doesn’t have to look that way.  As a Letter Sweater staff member boasted to a reporter, “even alumni are fooled when they visit a campus we work with.”

Appearances can be deceiving.  And as Letter Sweater demonstrates, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

 

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently claimed that Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg “plays the piano, loves James Joyce’s Ulysses, and taught himself to speak Norwegian.”

University Life is not in a position to comment on Buttigieg’s keyboard skills or fluency in norsk, but there is no way he has read Ulysses.  That’s because no one has read Ulysses in its entirety since 1967, which is 15 years before Buttigieg was born. 

According to Joyce scholar Sterling Pwesh, Professor Emeritus of English at Bowdoin College, “more people have falsely claimed to have read Ulysses than any other novel in history.  The reality is that a greater number of individuals purchased Michelle Obama’s memoir on the day it was published than have read Ulysses in the 97 years it has been available in book form.” 

Pwesh notes that “what almost always happens is that someone starts reading Joyce’s novel for the sex passages, but then realizes that it’s not worth the endless slog through the narrative in order to get to the juicy parts.  Most would-be readers give up by page 27, and nobody is left after page 60.  Vivid descriptions of sexual high jinks are now so readily available in fiction that Joyce has become superfluous.  Heck, it won’t be long before you can satisfy the majority of your carnal needs by simply going to a local grocery store and shoplifting a box of Post’s Scratch-and-Sniff Shredded Wheat.” (Note: This product should be available in selected locations by the end of 2019.  Check the Post website for more details).  

But doesn’t Ulysses remain a staple in college literature courses?  “Not really,” says Pwesh.  “For one thing, Joyce is an extremely dead white guy, which works against him being required reading in the current era.  Also, no professor would dare assign this 730-page brick of a book in a world of 40-second attention spans.  Once in a while, in my Irish Cinema course, I’ll have the class watch the 1967 film version of Ulysses, along with the 1959 Disney classic, Darby O’Gill and the Little People starring Sean Connery.  The students write a final paper comparing the psychodynamics of Leopold Bloom and Darby O’Gill.  It works pretty well.”

University Life reporters interviewed dozens of Buttigieg’s classmates from Harvard and Pembroke College in England, where he obtained his master’s degree.  None could recall ever seeing him with a copy of Ulysses, even after being shown various covers of the volume in an attempt to jog their memories.  One acquaintance who preferred to remain anonymous remarked, “If Pete had been carrying it around, someone would have noticed.  It’s a pretty fat book, you know.”

Is it possible that Buttigieg has confused Ulysses with Finnegan’s Wake, another Joyce classic?  “Impossible,” says Pwesh.  “There is no credible evidence that ANYONE has ever read Finnegan’s Wake.  This tome resides in hundreds of thousands of libraries around the world, but not once has it been checked out.”

Candidate Buttigieg, the ball is in your court. What say you?

 

Don’t act surprised.

You had to see this coming.

In August 2019, Arizona State University will become the first school in the country to have a part-time President. 

According to Ron Shoopman, Chair of the Arizona Board of Regents, appointing an Adjunct President will further solidify ASU’s reputation as THE innovation leader in U. S. higher education.  “ASU has already staked its claim as the nation’s foremost provider of online education; our number of online students now exceeds the population of the pre-Brexit European Union.  And next year ASU will start enrolling dolphins in its associate’s degree program in Marine Biology, as we enter the Brave New World of non-human mammalian education.   So it’s only fitting that Arizona State should be the first institution to employ an Adjunct President.  The cost savings will be enormous.”

Shoopman makes a compelling case.  Consider the following:

—  The President’s position will be 20 hours per week, eliminating the need for ASU to provide health insurance.

—  The President will share an office with seven adjuncts in the English Department.  The current President’s office will be converted into a “maker-space” lab for students in ASU’s Lego Design master’s program.

—  While a starting salary has yet to be determined, it will not exceed $60,000.  (This figure includes compensation for a four-course-per-year teaching load.)  A one-time bonus of up to $5000 will be awarded if the President succeeds in expanding the Marine Biology program to porpoises, manatees, and igneous rocks within two years.  “This last one is a stretch goal,” notes Shoopman.  “But it’s worth shooting for.  There are a gazillion rocks out there, virtually none with degrees.”

—  The President and Provost will share a parking space, alternating their days on campus during the week.  The Provost, a full-time employee, will work from home on Fridays. 

Shoopman was animated when discussing the rationale for having an Adjunct President.  “Let’s face it, this place pretty much runs itself these days.  We could start an online bachelor’s program in Mouse Droppings Analysis tomorrow and have 250 students enrolled within a month.  It’s like having a license to print money.  Who needs a full-time President with an Ivy League pedigree just to count the bucket-loads of cash flowing in?  Hell, my 19-year-old nephew could do this job, and Corky doesn’t have the brains it would take to turn his chair around and face the ocean if he worked as a lifeguard.”

Applications for the position of ASU President are due May 1st.  You must have a high school diploma and no criminal convictions in the past three years.  Two letters of recommendation are required, neither of which can be from a relative or a pet.  Please send a urine sample in a tightly sealed container along with your cover letter.  (Important: Do not put your cover letter in the container.)  Preference will be given to applicants who can defeat an igneous rock in a best-of-three checkers match.

Thank you, ASU, for advancing the cause of both adjunct faculty rights and cost-conscious financial stewardship. 

 

 

William McRaven, former chancellor of the University of Texas system,  claims that leading an academic institution is “the toughest job in the nation.”

Just for the record, Mr. McRaven has never worked the night shift at a chicken processing plant in Arkansas. 

It didn’t take long for life to get interesting at Johns Hopkins University after the Maryland General Assembly recently approved a bill that allows the school to create its own armed police force.

Just two days later, JHU President Ronald Daniels announced the hiring of  Avery “Screaming Falcon” Bondine, a 7th-generation West Point graduate who had led a U.S. battalion into Iraq during Operation Desert Storm in 1991.  The retired lieutenant general quickly recruited nearly 100 men and women with military experience (over 80% of whom had received honorable discharges) and began patrolling the school’s Baltimore campus, employing a trio of decommissioned Abrams Battle Tanks. 

His buzz-cut reflecting the morning sunlight, Chief Bondine told a University Life reporter that “when you combine our tank hardware with the firepower of a half-dozen shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and a few surface-to-air missiles, you’ve got the makings of a kick-ass security force.  This campus is going to be safer than a baby kangaroo in its mother’s pouch in a panic room with padded walls.  Hell, you’ll be able to leave a newborn child out in the middle of the Hopkins quad all night, alone, asleep in a crib overflowing with hundred-dollar bills and crack cocaine.  Nobody’s gonna come near ’em.”

As Bondine spoke, he noticed an adjunct instructor parking his car in a space reserved for tenure-track faculty members.  After the instructor left the vehicle, the Chief used his index finger to silently signal an officer across the parking lot.  The officer proceeded to fire his rocket launcher, dispatching the 1996 Toyota Tercel in a spectacular ball of flames that was at least three stories high.

Bondine chuckled.  “Pretty soon we won’t have to worry any more about some self-absorbed pissant with a PhD parking where he shouldn’t.  Hey, young lady, would you like a pinch of Skoal Wintergreen?  You look a little pale.”

Miscreants and low-lifes, take notice.  The Johns Hopkins campus is no longer your playpen.

 

 

A recent Bloomberg headline observes that “Notre Dame and Baylor Admit More Legacies than Harvard and Yale.”  Specifically, 22% of Notre Dame’s freshman class this year are children of alumni, while the corresponding figure for Baylor is 32%.

What do these two schools have in common, you ask?

GOD.

Notre Dame is a Catholic institution, while Baylor is Baptist.  According to Notre Dame President John Jenkins, the application folders of all its legacy students are forwarded to the Vatican, where Pope Francis makes the decision.  “He looks most favorably upon applicants whose parents waited until they were married to have sex,” says Jenkins.  When University Life asked how the Pope would have knowledge of such personal information, the President’s response was immediate and forceful.  “Francis is the POPE, for Pete’s sake!  Doesn’t the word ‘infallible’ mean anything to you?  He never gets stuff like this wrong.  Also, the application form requires parents to answer a battery of questions on their ‘intimacy history’.  Duh!”

At Baylor they eliminate the middleman and go straight to the Almighty for guidance.  As President Linda Livingstone put it, “Baptists don’t recognize the Pope, and I mean that literally.  Hell, if Francis showed up in Waco at Jasper’s Bar-B-Que on a Saturday night drinking Dr Pepper and wearing a 10-gallon papal mitre, nobody would recognize him.

“We  deal directly with the Holy Ghost, who has more free time than either God the Father or the Son for reviewing folders in December, when our flow of applications is heaviest.  Jesus tends to be really overcommitted during the Christmas season, making personal appearances at congregations all over the country.  As we like to say in Texas, ‘He’s busier than a teen-age horned toad during mating season!'” 

The Presidents agree that their high legacy-admission rates reflect their faiths’ deep commitment to family.  In the words of President Livingstone, “When you accept the child of parents who respect and fear the Lord, you know that you’re going to have those folks in your corner the next time a sex scandal hits your school.  And you can bet the farm that there will be a next time.  So, it’s sort of like taking out an insurance policy with God.”

Amen, Sister.

After an investigation revealed that a professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City “compelled his students to act as his personal servants” (no joke), he resigned before he could be fired.  In response, schools around the country have been clarifying their policies concerning the tasks that faculty members can, and CANNOT, ask their graduate assistants to perform.  Leading the way is Boston University, which published its first “OK/Not OK” list on March 21st.  According to Associate Provost and Dean of Students Galen Hedgerow, it is a work in progress and will be updated periodically.

Here’s what the list contains so far:

OK:  Babysitting your kids

Not OK:  Serving as a wet nurse

OK:  Walking your dog

Not OK:  Manually de-worming your dog

OK:  Picking up your kids at school

Not OK:  Explaining to the kids on the way home that “mommy and daddy have decided not to live together any more, but it’s not your fault”

OK:  Watering your lawn

Not OK:  Repaving your driveway

OK:  Picking up your dry cleaning

Not OK:  Stealing containers of tetrachloroethylene from the dry cleaners so you can marinate your marijuana before rolling a joint and lighting up (What….a….RUSH!)

OK:  Showing you how to program a DVR to record Red Sox games

Not OK:  Wearing nothing but red socks while performing in a home video you’re directing entitled “The Naughty, Naughty Batboy”

Thank you, BU.  It’s all about respecting boundaries.

 

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “The Merits of the Very, Very Short Course” noted that “some subjects can’t fill a full semester but can still teach valuable skills and information.”  Hence, schools like the University of Nebraska at Lincoln are developing one-credit “pop-up” courses for their students. 

For the curious among you, here’s a sampling of pop-ups being offered around the country in Spring 2019:

— Rice University  ARTS 214: The Soap Dish Throughout History — A whirlwind tour of the evolution of the soap dish, which debuted in country houses in 15th-century France as a small platter for guests to discard used strands of dental floss.  Students who complete the course receive a Holiday Inn lavender-scented pumice bar.

— Canisius College  CHEM 361: Soda Wars — A brief but intensive review of Coke vs. Pepsi, Mountain Dew vs. Mello Yello, Dr Pepper vs. Pibb Xtra, Fanta Orange vs. Orange Crush, and Sprite vs. Sierra Mist vs. 7 Up.  Trigger Warning: Students will see their urine change colors during the 3-hour final exam.  

— The University of Oregon  SOC 434: Who’s More Evil: Kevin Spacey or Louis C. K.? — This course involves group work in the form of team-oriented debates.  Prerequisites: SOC 431, 432, 433 (Contemporary Outrage 1, 2, and 3).

— College of Charleston  PSYC 288: Why Am I Blue? — Students explore their childhood psycho-history to discover why their favorite color is their favorite color.  Some trauma may occur.  Be prepared to hate one or both of your parents.  

— Boston University  PHIL 119: Thinking vs. Feeling — Students determine which mode of being is a better fit for their individual life-journey.  (Also offered in an Experiential Honors section that requires extensive drug use.  Must obtain permission to enroll from one’s roommate.)

— Reed College  HIST 362: Sipping and Culture — An examination of the role of straws in civilization from ancient times to the present, with an emphasis on current controversies surrounding the danger that plastic straws pose to low-IQ marine life.  Students will interview sea turtles.

Let’s just say it out loud: The Golden Age of Higher Education has arrived!