University Life

According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, the University of Massachusetts system will soon be diving into the deep end of the electronic pool, as it “plans to create a national online college to compete with the so-called mega-universities.”

But how will UMASS carve out a distinctive niche within this increasingly competitive marketplace?

The answer?  In a word: SMELL.

Here is UMASS President Martin Meehan, who was recently interviewed by University Life:

“In sensory terms, online education has traditionally been a pretty sterile experience.  Basically, you stare at a computer screen for however long it takes to complete a course.

“Not with our program.  When online students log on to our website, they will immediately be enveloped by the fresh, delightful aroma of the Berkshires in springtime.  The myriad scents of the trees and flowers native to the region will be disseminated through their device’s speaker vents.  We’re talking about species like the Speckled Alder, Wild Lupine, Large-Flowered Bellwort, Washington Hawthorne, and the Hackberry.  This will put students in a mood that is conducive to learning.  They will excel.  

“And we are developing tantalizing smells for every course: ‘Dusty Library Shelves’ for 19th-Century British Literature, ‘Chanel No. 5’ for Intermediate French, ‘Boiled Potatoes’ for Russian History, ‘Popcorn’ for Superhero Cinema, stuff like that.

“We haven’t decided what to do with Math courses; pocket protectors and hand calculators don’t have a particular odor.  But we’re working on it.  Theology courses also present a problem, because we don’t know what God smells like.  We might just go with frankincense and myrrh; it was good enough for the Magi.”

University Life predicts that the course on Urban Sewage Treatment will probably pose the biggest challenge.  But who knows?  Maybe your poop just smells better in the Berkshires.

 

In the world of higher education, the Happy-Hour query “What’s your sign?” has been replaced by “What’s your niche?”  For instance, in a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “Small Christian Colleges Seek Niches to Be Competitive,” the author notes that “faith-based colleges [now] look for ways to set themselves apart from one another while staying true to their religious missions.”  Unfortunately, the article overlooks three of the most intriguing examples of this phenomenon.  Consider the following:

—  At Our Lady of the Screeching Willows College in Kanawha, Iowa, students can major in Divine Imaging (DI).  Undergraduates learn how to discern and identify images of saints hidden in the surrounding environment — for example, the face of the Virgin Mary in a Low-Sodium Ritz cracker…..St. Augustine’s profile in a muddy footprint in a pasture parking lot on Hog-Rasslin’ Day at the state fair…..or the glowing visage of Joan of Arc at the bottom of a Weber charcoal grill’s porcelain bowl.  

According to Provost Dexter Slanz, “DI graduates are in high demand for jobs in the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security.  If there’s something to be found, our students will find it.  Even if there’s nothing to be found, our students will find it.”

—  Flaming Tabernacle Christian College, in Kerrville, Texas, is the only school in the U.S. that offers a Transubstantiation major.  Chemistry Professor Daphne Yurt, program advisor, beams when talking about her students.  “Our graduates can not only turn water into wine, they can turn it into Mountain Dew or sweet tea.  They can make kale chips out of wool socks, and transform armadillo roadkill into chicken nuggets for KFC, one of our corporate partners.  And don’t get me started on what they can do with a standard-issue communion wafer.  You want it turned into a seedless watermelon?  Done.  A Bruno Mars CD?  No problem.  This the best major ever!

— Finally, students can major in Holy Ghost Dove Breeding (HGDB) at Nite-Lite of the Lord Veterinary College in Newport News, Virginia.  Nite-Lite’s President, the Reverend Delfin Quince, observes that “our HGDB majors aren’t raising ordinary birds.  They infuse every one of these creatures with the ineffable spirit of the Holy Ghost.  We sell our Nite-Lite Doves for about $3500 each.  Congregations around the world are clamoring for them, because they guarantee eternal life.  Of course, all bets are off if a feral cat possessed by Satan sneaks into the parish bird house the night before the annual Dove-O-Mania Procession and Fish Fry.  Goddammit, I hate those cats!”

Amen, Reverend.  Amen.

If you thought all curriculum innovation in the Ivy League was birthed at Harvard, think again.  In a press conference on Monday, Princeton University President Christopher Eisgruber announced that in September 2019 the University would initiate its Princeton-Plus program for a select group of incoming students. 

What is Princeton-Plus?  According to President Eisgruber, it’s nothing short of an “educational revolution.”  Here’s the story, in his words:

“At Princeton we’ve been educating the ruling class for nearly three centuries, and doing an excellent job of it.  However, there is a problem.  We take pride in our high academic standards, but many children from elite families are, to put it bluntly, irredeemably stupid.  I’m talking rock-hard dumb — as solid and impenetrable as topaz.  These kids are way too dim to be accepted as legacy students; they would flunk out in the first semester.  Sure, we could let them go to Rutgers, but it would be unconscionable to forfeit all the endowment money that these students potentially represent.  Don’t forget, their parents are BEYOND loaded.

“With Princeton-Plus, the cognitively challenged offspring of the super-rich can get a Princeton degree without having to take a bunch of pesky classes.  In fact, they won’t be taking ANY classes.  Rather, they’ll spend four years doing the most important thing that Princeton students have always done: NETWORKING with other members of the privileged class.  In this case, they will be networking with individuals who are a lot brighter than they are. 

“Each year of Princeton-Plus will have a different focus.  Freshmen will explore the World of Finance (e.g., daily badminton and croquet matches with successful hedge-fund managers, venture capitalists, high-end defense contractors, and pharmaceutical CEOs).  Sophomore year will focus on Connecting with Old Money (Rockefellers, Vanderbilts, Carnegies, the House of Medici, etc.).  This will be followed by Junior Year Abroad (current locations include Windsor Castle, Versailles, the Vatican, and the Motel 6 in Dubai).  In their fourth year students will finalize the membership of their personal support network as a capstone project.  At the Spring Cotillion in May, each senior will be presented with a life partner whose high-quality eggs or sperm will ensure the intellectual enhancement of the next generation. 

“By the time students graduate from Princeton-Plus, they should be well-positioned to take their place alongside students who have received a traditional Princeton education. 

“Tuition for Princeton-Plus will be $3 million per year, which includes room, board, all networking opportunities, and one life partner.  This is a small price for parents to pay to achieve the goal of never having to worry about the future of their dimwitted progeny once the latter are sent off to college.  In many ways, we see this program as a public service.

“If Princeton-Plus is successful, we will begin offering the program to our cognitively gifted applicants in September 2025.  By 2050 we would like Princeton-Plus to be the curriculum followed by all of our students, thereby eliminating the need for faculty.  Doing this would significantly reduce our operating expenses, enabling us to invest more heavily in networking, which is our core competency.”

Harvard and Yale, are you listening? 

 

 

 

 

It was a simpler time.  When I began teaching in the mid-1970s, if a snowstorm hit, you just turned on the radio around 6:00 am to get the scoop.  Your school was either open, closed, or delayed for a few hours.  Of course, it was annoying if you tuned in right after the announcer had passed your institution on the alphabetized Rolodex.  In that case, you might have to listen to the DJ play “Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band for the umpteenth time, followed by yet another commercial for Preparation H, before the list was repeated.  Overall, though, the system worked reasonably well.

Welcome to 2019.  Now, before the first flake touches down, a university email blusters into your inbox with a message as complex and litigation-proof as the battle plan for Operation Desert Storm.  For example:

TO:  The University Community

FROM:  Campus Police

A wintry mix is expected in our area from 2:00 am to 5:30 am, accumulating less than 3 inches.  The University will be open tomorrow and classes will be held, but please note the following:

—  Students residing on campus who do not own appropriate footwear for icy conditions will not be required to attend class.  (See the Student Handbook for definitions of “appropriate footwear” and “icy conditions” approved by our legal counsel).  These students must provide proof to their instructor that they lack such footwear (e.g., a note from their shoe retailer or podiatrist). 

—  Commuting students who live within 10 miles of campus will be excused from class if their car has at least 2 bald tires — OR a total of only 3 tires, regardless of baldness.

—  Commuters who reside more than 10 miles away will not be required to attend class if they live at the top of a steep driveway (45-degree angle or greater) and don’t have sand or salt to apply to said driveway.

—  Tenured and tenure-track faculty members are encouraged to meet their assigned classes, but if they prefer not to, they may utilize the Adjunct Faculty Directory to select a substitute.  Adjunct instructors who decline a substitution request will forfeit their shared office space for one semester as well as access to dry-erase markers for the same period. 

—  Students who miss a test due to this weather event are entitled to take an oral make-up exam over the phone within a week of the event.  Administration of the exam is governed by the policy outlined in the preceding bullet.

— If weather conditions deteriorate while class is in session, the instructor may NOT slap students who nervously peer out the window for the duration of his or her lecture.  The instructor SHALL drive home any and all commuting students who are reluctant to operate their own vehicle.  The instructor’s mileage costs will be reimbursed by the University (obtain Travel Expense Form 471J, Version 5.2 from the Business Office).

In fairness, not all schools use the approach described above.  At the University of Northern Minnesota in Littlefork, here’s the email that students and faculty receive:

TO:  The Men and Women of UNM

FROM:  Campus Permafrost Patrol

We expect 3 more feet of snow this evening.  If you die overnight, feel free to skip class tomorrow.  Otherwise, you damn well better show up.

Sounds good to us.  All it lacks is a link to “Get Down Tonight.”

Of course, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened in the ferociously competitive, tooth-and-claw world of textbook publishing.  On February 1st, W. W. Norton and Company released, with great fanfare, the 8th edition of Psychology: The Science of You, only to discover that the 7th edition of this perennial best-seller was not due to be published until August 2019. 

How in the name of ISBN did this fiasco take place?

To find out, University Life sat down with Chad Kwarkel, Senior Psychology Editor at Norton.  His comments:

“Heh-heh, this is what you get when you have multiple production teams working with a single author and you take two weeks off to go on a sweat-lodge vacation in Tibet.  (Look at my pores, by the way.  Have you ever seen anything like it?  Here, wipe my forearm with this tissue.  Absolutely no oily residue, and I haven’t showered in a week.  You could run me through a full-body MRI scan and not find a single blackhead.  Amazing!)

“In any event, the two teams got out of sync when they failed to communicate with one another while I was gone.  Sure, it’s embarrassing, but it’s only a big deal if you’re a slave to linear thinking.  They’re only numbers, right?  Who’s to say that 7 should always precede 8?  That may be your truth, but it’s not necessarily mine!

“As long as you’re here, let me tell you how the 8th edition differs in important ways from the 6th edition, which came out in 2017.  First off, there’s the price.  The 8th edition retails for $189, while the 6th was $155.  And we’ve added a new Research Highlight box on page 224, examining the impact of sexual orientation on one’s preference for tomato-based vs. mustard-based BBQ sauce in pulled-pork sandwiches.  Spoiler alert: There is none!

“On page 431, in the chapter on group dynamics, we replaced a photo with 6 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table with a photo of 7 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table.  That way, we could include someone from Portugal in native dress.  We’re all about diversity at Norton.  And in the physiological chapter featuring the five senses, we’ve added a scratch-and-sniff panel that smells like wet dog fur. 

“The 8th edition no longer discusses the work of Freud or B. F. Skinner, because they’ve been dead since, like, forever.  Also, you’ll find that all key psychological terms are printed in BOLD CAPS and defined along the side margin of the page, as well as in the top and bottom margins of the same page.  So, a student now has three chances to learn what the word means, even if they skip the paragraph in the text in which the word appears.

“A Q-tip in a plastic pouch is attached inside the book’s back cover.  It can be used to take a saliva sample that the student can submit to Ancestry.com to obtain his or her psychological profile.  Ancestry.com is now one of our corporate partners. 

“Finally, the cover of the book is composed of textured rubber, which allows for easier gripping if you’re reading a chapter while eating buffalo wings — a suggestion offered by one of our student focus groups.

“Guys, this is just the beginning.  Wait until you see what we’re putting together for the 9th edition in 2020.”

Wow.  Bring on the blue cheese dip!

 

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article asked eight deans from around the country what they wished they had known about the job before taking it.  Not surprisingly, these high-level administrators stressed the importance of leadership training, budget management, communication skills, and the like. 

Immediately after the article appeared, rumors began to circulate in the higher education community that the Chronicle had not published three contributions due to their provocative nature.  After a bit of digging (and a $1500 expenditure from our Source Nurturance Fund), University Life succeeded in unearthing the suppressed commentaries.  Read on.  

Darson Wench, Dean of Old Testament Studies, Eczema Bible College, Murfreesboro, Tennessee:  “How does one deal with pure, undiluted EVIL?  I wish I had been better prepared to do battle with the influence of Satan in the everyday behavior of my colleagues.  I naively believed that the Devil’s toxin would not pervade a bible college, but I was wrong.  Lucifer has infected the bone marrow of this institution and poisoned all of those I interact with.  Whenever I meet with the President, Provost, or department chairs, the smell of sulfur is overwhelming and I am powerless to resist the demands of their crimson-eyed laser-stares.  If only I had read The Exorcist before coming here instead of that useless Dean’s Handbook my brother-in-law gave me.”

Maribeth Fraxson-Piff, Dean of Arts & Sciences, Bagatelle Veterinary College, Barton, Vermont:  “Making people believe that you care about them, even when you don’t, is really crucial for a dean.  Knowing how to fake sympathy and empathy is vital for survival.  For example, I’m constantly dealing with freshly minted, purple-haired English PhDs who whine about teaching five courses a semester and laboring in a service department that doesn’t provide financial support for professional development.  For the love of God, let’s break out the violins and start performing ‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ from Les Miserables!  You know you’re lucky to have a full-time job in this forsaken tundra of a state, right?  But can I say that to them?  Nooooo, of course not.  I must meet their gaze with an expression of heartfelt compassion and assure them that I will lobby the Provost to reduce their teaching load to 4.5 courses a term and score them an Arby’s gift card for the next annual meeting of the Modern Language Association.  

“If only once, just once, I could simply sit there and proclaim, ‘I.  DON’T.  CARE.’

“But hey, nobody forced me to take this job.”

Spencer Craisin, Dean of the Business School, University of Missouri at Green Ridge:  “When I became Dean, I had no idea what types of treats to put in the candy dish on my desk.  Jolly Ranchers?  Starbursts?  Kale chips?  Honey-roasted peanuts?  Gummi Bears?  Tic Tacs?  Pork rinds?  Hummus pebbles?   It would have been nice if somebody had offered me advice about this.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  You know, I didn’t major in Cultural Sensitivity at Wharton; I was a Finance guy.

“And how about giving new Deans a pocket dictionary that includes the latest in academic jargon?  I sat through an entire meeting with the Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion yesterday, where he talked at length about the impact of intersectionality on trans discourse.  I thought he was referring to new traffic patterns in the campus parking lot.  Well, that was embarrassing.”

There you have it.  As Kermit famously sang, it’s not easy being green……or dean.

Pardon my French, but WHY DO SO MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS NEED TO PEE DURING CLASS?

Here’s the thing:  I can’t recall a single instance during my undergraduate career (1967-1971) of a student leaving class to go to the bathroom.  Not once.  The class could be 50 minutes, 90 minutes, or even 2 hours long.  We just stayed in our seats, occasionally squirmed, and then bolted for the door when the professor declared, “We’re done here.”  Today it’s a given that at least several students will depart during class to use the facilities, unless those students are wearing a stadium buddy. 

In the name of all that is urinary, what the hell is going on?  Why can’t students in 2019 hold it in?  Here are five hypotheses for your consideration:

Hypothesis 1 — The human bladder is shrinking due to ambient radiation generated by secret genetic experiments, conducted by the U.S. government, that aim to produce chickens with 8 wings for the all-powerful poultry industry.  The research has been taking place over the past 50 years in underground bunkers in the southwest. 

Supporting Evidence — This is something that our government would absolutely do.

Evidence Against —  Students at the University of New Mexico do not appear to be urinating with greater frequency than those at the University of Connecticut. 

Hypothesis 2 — Students are watching pornography on their laptops during class, and one of the side effects of sexual arousal is the urge to pee.

Supporting Evidence — Students who use laptops in class are more likely to abruptly run out of the room yelling “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!”

Evidence Against — Given their age, most college students don’t need pornography in order to become throbbing paintballs of lust.  Nothing has changed on that score over the past five decades.

Hypothesis 3 — Students’ consumption of bottled water before and during class has increased their need to urinate. 

Supporting Evidence — Virtually no one hydrated in class in 1967.  Now students carry water bottles the size of Oktoberfest beer kegs with them to every destination, including bed.

Evidence Against — Even students who don’t bring bottled water to class are urinating more.

Hypothesis 4 — Classes are more boring than they used to be, making it easier to be distracted by the call of a full bladder.  (“Hey, I’m building up some pressure down here.  Let’s take a walk.”)

Supporting Evidence — Well, it’s true: most classes are boring.  People have died while watching PowerPoint presentations.  

Evidence Against — Classes were actually more boring 50 years ago. 

Hypothesis 5 — As our nation plunges ever deeper into a cultural abyss characterized by the disintegration of traditional social norms and an unrelenting focus on the immediate gratification of individual needs, students are more inclined to urinate whenever they damn well please.

Supporting Evidence — The next time you’re at the grocery store, try having an intelligent conversation about virtually any topic with the person standing next to you in the checkout line.  Pretty scary, isn’t it?

Evidence Against — Most people haven’t started relieving themselves in the street…….yet.

There’s a doctoral dissertation in all of this, waiting to be written.  If you’re a graduate student in sociology or anthropology, go talk to your advisor today…..and don’t forget your water bottle.

 

 

Like the common shrew, which must consume 200% to 300% of its body weight in food every 24 hours in order to survive, most U.S. colleges and universities have no choice but to relentlessly pursue new degree programs as they entice students in the increasingly competitive Darwinian dystopia that higher education has become.  Three schools are leading the way:

—  Arizona State University is poised to offer the nation’s first Ph.D. in Administration of Executive MBA Programs.  According to Dr. Talson Shad, ASU’s Vice President for Educational Ventures,  “it’s incredibly challenging to oversee a curriculum that awards academic credit to egocentric entrepreneurs and high-level managers for doing little more than telling each other war stories over a period of 18 months.  At the very least you need an occasional reading from the Wall Street Journal or Harvard Business Review that students can Kindle-browse while stopped at red lights en route to their once-a-month  Saturday class that includes 2 half-hour breaks, a 90-minute lunch, and 3 video presentations.  Making all of this look like a legitimate educational experience via a 3-page ‘reflection paper’ submitted by students as a smartphone text at the end of the semester is not a task for the faint of heart.  Of course, there’s also the job of converting EMBA graduates into generous donors to your institution, which is the whole point of having the program to begin with.  You’re certainly not going to get much cash from the folks graduating from your Executive MSW program.”

—  Southern Illinois University’s Ph.D. Program in Departmental Consolidation Coordination is scheduled to begin in September 2019.  SIU’s Provost, Melanie Swale-Gibbon, observes that “consolidating academic departments in times of financial austerity is no day at the beach.  Have you ever tried to explain the substantive logic behind merging Chemical Engineering and Romance Languages to the Faculty Senate?  What about Psychology and Soil Science?  Criminal Justice and English?  It’s a freakin’ nightmare!  The cross-training implications alone are enough to make you lose bladder control.  Our new doctoral program will give students all the tools they need to execute these administrative sleights-of-hand while maintaining a straight face.  The Physics and Political Science faculties at your school will end up begging university leaders to hold a unification ceremony in which the two department chairs, dressed in off-white, walk hand-in-hand down the aisle of the campus chapel while ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’ by the Carpenters plays in the background.”

—  Perhaps the most ambitious initiative is taking place at Dickinson College, which launched its Ph.D. Program in Myth Management last fall.  As Darrell Krisk, Dickinson’s Associate Director of Meaning-Making put it, “most schools today are faced with a nearly impossible task: shamelessly pandering to students’ self-interest while not appearing to shamelessly pander to students’ self-interest.  ‘Find Your Path at Yowsa University’ — ‘At Weeble College, You’re Not a Number’ — ‘Your Key to Success Awaits You at Dribble Tech: Claim it Now’.  Kind of makes you want to puke, doesn’t it?  Our doctoral program enables graduates to create sophisticated marketing myths that are comprehensive, coherent, and seamless.  You’ll develop inspiring institutional ultra-memes that course through your school’s circulatory system, enveloping students from their initial website visit to commencement.  For instance, at Dickinson we begin by telling students, ‘you’re so much more than a student here.  You’re part of a cosmic energy stream that erases the boundaries between flesh and spirit, empowering you to alter universal force fields using the job-related skills you develop on our campus.  Close your eyes, take a deep breath, extend your wings, and fall forward into the euphoric embrace of Dickinson College.  Let the rapture begin!’  Is it any wonder that our undergraduate enrollment has increased 312% in the past four years?”

Wow.  Step aside, generic doctoral programs in Educational Leadership for harried school superintendents.  There’s a new shrew in town.  

 

 

 

The forthcoming publication of a short story by Sylvia Plath that was discovered in the Indiana University rare book and manuscript library has scholars around the country scouring the stacks for more academic gold.  The highlights so far:

—  At Princeton, a post-doctoral researcher stumbled upon the undiluted egos of eight of the school’s English professors in a card-catalog cabinet in the library’s basement.  According to Library Archivist Gretchen Staley-Throb, “all of the egos were from tenured male professors in the 1940s.  The self-regard of these gentlemen had simply outgrown the ability of their campus offices to contain them.  Princeton’s librarians were authorized to use drainage tubes to siphon excess self-esteem from each professor’s prefrontal cortex.  Then they stored the fluid, which had the consistency of maple syrup, in colostomy bags in the card catalog.  Over the years, people simply forgot the bags were there.  We’re now in the process of contacting the families of the professors to see if they want these remains.  Some do, some don’t.”

—  At the University of Kentucky, a footlocker containing discarded academic standards was discovered in a tool shed next to the library.  When informed of the finding, Provost David Blackwell expressed relief: “I was wondering what the hell had happened to academic standards at our university.  We used to have them, and then they disappeared a few years ago.  Believe me, it’s no picnic handing out diplomas to graduates who think that Jonathan Swift is Taylor Swift’s grandfather.  Campus police are examining the footlocker for fingerprints.  We are going to find out who did this.  I bet you it was the damn Sociology Department!”

—  Finally, there is the case of Milton Friedman.  The legendary free-market economist and author of Capitalism and Freedom wrote a sequel to his 1962 opus that was never published.  It was found three days ago in a box of dry-cleaning receipts in the Friedman Collection at the University of Chicago library.  Entitled Uh-Oh, the 240-page manuscript describes Friedman’s discovery of how a series of computational errors by his graduate assistant led to a number of erroneous conclusions presented in his world-famous book.  He apologizes in Uh-Oh, writing that “in reality, capitalism is an organism that devours everything in its path in the name of all-encompassing greed, eventually turning on itself.  We are doomed.  And watch out for climate change, by the way.”

Uh-oh. 

 

 

After humiliating defeats in its two most recent high-profile bowl games — 42-14 to Alabama in 2013 (the National Championship game) and 30-3 to Clemson last Saturday — the University of Notre Dame has decided that it’s fed up with being clubbed in these contests like a baby seal during hunting season in the Canadian Arctic.  In a New Year’s Day press release, the University announced that it will be relaxing admissions standards in 2019 to enhance its ability to recruit blue-chip athletes. 

According to John Jenkins, the school’s president, “for far too long we’ve insisted that applicants be literate in order to be accepted by Notre Dame.  This policy has not only discriminated against those who cannot read, it has deprived our football team of talented players who could contribute to success on the gridiron.  Should we really regard reading proficiency as the sign of an educated person?  I don’t think so.  We should be looking into the courageous hearts of these boys, not their minds.  Heck, it’s already tough enough to attract young people to South Bend, Indiana, where the best restaurant in town is located in a bowling alley, and residents regard movies made in New York City as ‘foreign films’.  We need to build bridges that reach these young men where they are, rather than continue to put multi-syllabic obstacles in their path.”

Notre Dame also plans to loosen its strict regulation of performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) for athletes.  “Let’s face it,” Jenkins notes, “for decades we have encouraged our student body to routinely consume one of the most potent PEDs on the planet — consecrated communion wafers — so it seems a bit hypocritical to prohibit an occasional steroid boost for our football squad, especially when we consider the non-Catholic players who seldom attend Mass.”

Finally, students who are currently incarcerated will no longer be prevented from playing football.  “We’re working with the warden of the St. Joseph County Jail in downtown South Bend to convert one of its residential wings into a mini-dormitory for players who are awaiting trial or serving hard time.  These students will take all of their classes online and be escorted by corrections officials to and from games, both home and away.  The public will have nothing to fear, but opposing teams certainly will!

“For example, we just accepted Clarence ‘Spleen Eater’ Tunderly for next year’s entering class.  This young man is 345 pounds of uncontrolled rage who’s doing 7 to 16 years at Georgia State Prison in Reidsville for crimes that are best left undescribed.  He’ll major in Elizabethan Poetry, assuming he gets a handle on the reading thing.  Otherwise, he’ll be in General Studies with a concentration in Crushing.”

Alabama and Clemson, take a look in your rear view mirror.  Say hello to Clarence.