Law and Order: JHU

It didn’t take long for life to get interesting at Johns Hopkins University after the Maryland General Assembly recently approved a bill that allows the school to create its own armed police force.

Just two days later, JHU President Ronald Daniels announced the hiring of  Avery “Screaming Falcon” Bondine, a 7th-generation West Point graduate who had led a U.S. battalion into Iraq during Operation Desert Storm in 1991.  The retired lieutenant general quickly recruited nearly 100 men and women with military experience (over 80% of whom had received honorable discharges) and began patrolling the school’s Baltimore campus, employing a trio of decommissioned Abrams Battle Tanks. 

His buzz-cut reflecting the morning sunlight, Chief Bondine told a University Life reporter that “when you combine our tank hardware with the firepower of a half-dozen shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and a few surface-to-air missiles, you’ve got the makings of a kick-ass security force.  This campus is going to be safer than a baby kangaroo in its mother’s pouch in a panic room with padded walls.  Hell, you’ll be able to leave a newborn child out in the middle of the Hopkins quad all night, alone, asleep in a crib overflowing with hundred-dollar bills and crack cocaine.  Nobody’s gonna come near ’em.”

As Bondine spoke, he noticed an adjunct instructor parking his car in a space reserved for tenure-track faculty members.  After the instructor left the vehicle, the Chief used his index finger to silently signal an officer across the parking lot.  The officer proceeded to fire his rocket launcher, dispatching the 1996 Toyota Tercel in a spectacular ball of flames that was at least three stories high.

Bondine chuckled.  “Pretty soon we won’t have to worry any more about some self-absorbed pissant with a PhD parking where he shouldn’t.  Hey, young lady, would you like a pinch of Skoal Wintergreen?  You look a little pale.”

Miscreants and low-lifes, take notice.  The Johns Hopkins campus is no longer your playpen.