Don’t act surprised.
You had to see this coming.
In August 2019, Arizona State University will become the first school in the country to have a part-time President.
According to Ron Shoopman, Chair of the Arizona Board of Regents, appointing an Adjunct President will further solidify ASU’s reputation as THE innovation leader in U. S. higher education. “ASU has already staked its claim as the nation’s foremost provider of online education; our number of online students now exceeds the population of the pre-Brexit European Union. And next year ASU will start enrolling dolphins in its associate’s degree program in Marine Biology, as we enter the Brave New World of non-human mammalian education. So it’s only fitting that Arizona State should be the first institution to employ an Adjunct President. The cost savings will be enormous.”
Shoopman makes a compelling case. Consider the following:
— The President’s position will be 20 hours per week, eliminating the need for ASU to provide health insurance.
— The President will share an office with seven adjuncts in the English Department. The current President’s office will be converted into a “maker-space” lab for students in ASU’s Lego Design master’s program.
— While a starting salary has yet to be determined, it will not exceed $60,000. (This figure includes compensation for a four-course-per-year teaching load.) A one-time bonus of up to $5000 will be awarded if the President succeeds in expanding the Marine Biology program to porpoises, manatees, and igneous rocks within two years. “This last one is a stretch goal,” notes Shoopman. “But it’s worth shooting for. There are a gazillion rocks out there, virtually none with degrees.”
— The President and Provost will share a parking space, alternating their days on campus during the week. The Provost, a full-time employee, will work from home on Fridays.
Shoopman was animated when discussing the rationale for having an Adjunct President. “Let’s face it, this place pretty much runs itself these days. We could start an online bachelor’s program in Mouse Droppings Analysis tomorrow and have 250 students enrolled within a month. It’s like having a license to print money. Who needs a full-time President with an Ivy League pedigree just to count the bucket-loads of cash flowing in? Hell, my 19-year-old nephew could do this job, and Corky doesn’t have the brains it would take to turn his chair around and face the ocean if he worked as a lifeguard.”
Applications for the position of ASU President are due May 1st. You must have a high school diploma and no criminal convictions in the past three years. Two letters of recommendation are required, neither of which can be from a relative or a pet. Please send a urine sample in a tightly sealed container along with your cover letter. (Important: Do not put your cover letter in the container.) Preference will be given to applicants who can defeat an igneous rock in a best-of-three checkers match.
Thank you, ASU, for advancing the cause of both adjunct faculty rights and cost-conscious financial stewardship.