University Life

Yep, it’s true:  for the first time since 1984, the Democratic Presidential ticket does not include a graduate of an Ivy League school. 

And the Vines are not pleased.  

At a press conference in Boston yesterday, all 8 Ivy League Presidents appeared in person to express their dismay.  Harvard President Lawrence Bacow claimed that the absence of Ivy League heritage in the Democratic candidates’ résumés was “outrageous.”  He continued:  “Couldn’t Mr. Biden or Ms. Harris have, at a minimum, picked up a master’s degree from our Kennedy School of Government at some point in their career?  I mean, we give those credentials away like lollipops at a county fair.  You can do the whole program in 3 weekends.”

The proceedings grew tense, however, when Yale President Peter Salovey said he would offer Biden an associate’s degree in psychology if he wrote a 10-page research paper (topic: invasions of personal space) that contained at least 3 references from scholarly journals.  “You wouldn’t even have to format the citations,” Salovey promised.  “We’ll have a graduate assistant do that for you.”

This proposal drew a sharp rebuke from Amy Gutmann, Penn’s President:  “We do ourselves no favors if we lower standards just to have our institution affiliated with the next President or Vice President.”  

Princeton’s Christopher Eisgruber immediately took Gutmann to task, telling her to “put a sock in it, Amy.  Have you forgotten that Penn gave Trump a bachelor’s degree back in 1968?  You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.”  

Her voice rising, an irritated Gutmann responded, “that fiasco did not occur on my watch, Eisgoober.  Take back what you said!”

Eisgruber:  “Will not!”

Guttman:  “Will so, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Whoa, there, boys and girls, let’s settle down.”  Dartmouth’s Philip Hanlon was trying to lower the temperature of the exchange.

“Are you really calling the President of the University of Pennsylvania a GIRL?” exclaimed Cornell’s Martha Pollack.  “You’re not even the President of a full-fledged university, you twit.  It’s Dartmouth College, remember?  Phil, you’ve always driven in the breakdown lane on the Highway of Big Ideas.  Why don’t you just buzz off and go back to carving phallic-shaped ice sculptures for next February’s Winter Carnival?”

Hanlon glared at Pollack and took an aggressive step toward her, hissing “Why, you little b……”

“Don’t go there,” Brown’s Christine Paxson exclaimed, as she jumped on Hanlon’s shoulders from behind and put him in a headlock, her right knee braced against his spine.  “I dated a Navy SEAL in college, and can snap your neck like a twig.”

Columbia’s Lee Bollinger suddenly gasped “Oh, my” and fainted, collapsing like a Jenga tower of COVID-19 nasal swabs swatted by a toddler’s hand.   

Bacow:  “We’re done here.”

NOTE:  Registration for the Fall semester at the Kennedy School closes on August 31st.  

 

 

 

To no one’s surprise, the recent decision by the Big Ten Conference to cancel its fall 2020 football season has been harshly criticized by many of the players affected.  The passionate, colorful reaction of Benwood “Big Ben” Thistle, a defensive tackle at Ohio State, reflects the deep hurt felt by these young men: “This is bulls**t, man!  Total bulls**t!  What am I supposed to do all fall — TAKE CLASSES?  No way that’s happenin’.  They can take away my scholarship if they want to, I don’t care, just as long as they shove all that money up the Big Ten Commissioner’s butthole.  F**k this s**t!!!”

Even worse, some players believe they have been misled.  When running back Craig Saffron was being recruited to play at the University of Nebraska, “nobody said a damn thing to me about going to college.  They never even used the word ‘college’.  Not once.  All they said was that the Big Ten was a semi-pro league that sent its best players to the NFL.  I swear to God, all they told me was that I would be signing a contract to play for the Nebraska Cornhuskers for at least two years.”

Davon Twinney, a sophomore who grew up in Tallahassee, Florida and plays free safety for the University of Minnesota, was livid.  “I never would have come to this lame-ass piece of permafrost tundra in the Arctic Circle if I had known they were going to yank the season right out from under me.   My whole body was nothing but chapped, raw skin all last winter.  My mom had to send me a giant bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion every two weeks.  People’s idea of a good time here is carving a hole in the ice of a frozen lake and going fishing.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Don’t these dipwads know that grocery stores have seafood counters?”

Of course, not all players are upset that the fall season has been scratched.  Rutgers tight end Tyler Hone, a junior, notes that “our team was 2-10 in 2019 and 1-11 in 2018.  We suck.  We profoundly suck.  When Michigan crushed us 52-0 last year, their players didn’t even wears pads or helmets during the game — just street clothes.  They didn’t tackle us, they simply punched us in the face until we fell down.  It was humiliating.  I won’t miss playing this fall.”

Ditto from from Jason Bontine, a fourth-string, walk-on punter at Penn State:  “I’m a senior, and I’ve never been in a game, never had to have my uniform washed.  The only reason I’m on the team is that I’m the most reliable supplier of high-quality recreational weed at discount prices in central Pennsylvania.  The coach says that I’m the MVP of the Nittany Lions.  I’m proud of that accomplishment, but it’s time for me to move on and grow my business this fall.  Writing about the expansion will be the capstone project for my bachelor’s degree in Finance.  I’m excited to start!”

Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren says the decision to cancel the fall season was a tough one, but that it comes with an upside:  “We’re going to offer a 3-credit online course to all of our student-athletes in the coming term, in which we explore, from a post-modernist perspective, the reasons why a conference called the ‘Big Ten’ actually has 14 schools in it.  Our fall season may be over, but student learning is just beginning.”

For once, big-time college athletics is taking the high road. 

Although Harvard is going online this fall for all of its courses (true fact), it’s doing so in a style that befits a university whose smartphone contact list has both The Almighty and Queen Latifah on speed-dial.  

To ease the pain inflicted by an online, Zoom-based curriculum, Harvard is providing every one of its students with a deluxe Peloton exercise bike that can be pedaled in front of a computer screen that streams class sessions. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “Peloton is the Maserati of the fitness-cycling world.  Each student will receive, at no cost to him or her, a Peloton Mark IV, not the standard-issue Peloton purchased by the proletariat.  The Mark IV retails at $7495 and features handlebar streamers, custom detailing that includes the Harvard insignia, and TWO built-in Pez dispensers.  The Mark IV will remain the student’s property after the semester is over.  

“The Harvard Peloton Initiative (HPI) will enable our students to enhance their physical fitness while they are participating in class sessions.  Given the high-profile roles that our graduates play in world affairs, it’s crucial that they look ready for their responsibilities, and not resemble the current Tub-in-Chief occupying the White House.

“Our school motto may be ‘Veritas’, but the ultimate truth we seek is the Platonic ideal of a washboard abdomen.  Here, feel my stomach.  Go ahead, punch it.  Punch it hard.  Larry Bacow is a Mark IV man!”

It seems like every time Yale gets close, Harvard pulls away. 

True Fact:  A black bear wandered onto the campus of Dartmouth College on July 9th and spent a couple of peaceful hours there before making its way back into the woods.

Inspired by this charming episode, the school plans to fence off a grazing area on its campus quad for use by retired faculty in the fall of 2020.  

According to Dartmouth President Philip Hanlon, “many of our professors emeriti don’t know what to do with themselves during the day.  They rattle around the house annoying their spouses, hunker down in front of the TV and yell at President Trump, or sit alone at Dunkin’ Donuts for hours nursing a single cup of Metamucil-laced coffee and a tofu/kelp cruller.  These folks should be outside, getting some exercise, and socializing with their peers.  That’s where Professors’ Meadow comes in.  

“We’re going to place coin-operated M&M dispensers around the perimeter of the quad, so that visitors can hand-feed these faculty if they wish.  Most of our retired professors are gentle, but a few can be feisty and disruptive, so a couple of campus police officers, equipped with tranquilizing darts, will be stationed at Professors’ Meadow from 7:00 am to 5:00 pm every day.  Ginger, our resident Border Collie, will shepherd the retirees into shuttle vans at the end of the day for the ride home.

“Very few of our students have ever seen a professor emeritus, so it will be a wonderful opportunity for them to encounter these individuals in a controlled environment.  They may even hear a snippet of a lecture now and then, as a retiree attempts to educate Ginger about the origins of the Boer Wars.   

“If all goes well, we will begin seeking national accreditation from AAUP as an Emeritus Petting Zoo in Spring 2021.  It’s a grueling, 3-year process, but we want only the best for those professors who have faithfully served Dartmouth College over the decades.”

Who says you can’t find a feel-good story in the midst of a pandemic?

According to The Columbus Post Dispatch, Capital University — the oldest university in central Ohio — plans to stop using the nickname “Crusaders” for its sports teams.  

The Crusades, of course, were a series of religious wars waged in the medieval era.  The conflicts generated an impressive amount of carnage, especially when you consider the fact that the world did not yet have easy access to rapid-fire weaponry or NRA lobbying support. 

The university will soon unveil a new, more acceptable nickname for its teams: the Inquisitors.  As the director of the school’s Media Relations office noted during a press conference on Wednesday, “to the modern ear, the term ‘Crusader’ sounds militaristic and is off-putting, evoking images of religious zealots engaging in wholesale slaughter.  ‘Inquisition’, on the other hand, has kinder, gentler connotations.  It speaks to a search for incontrovertible truth guided by disciplined questioning directed at individuals, such as Galileo or our students, who possess an incomplete understanding of the universe .  Isn’t that what higher education is all about?  Isn’t that what we DO in our classes?”

But weren’t people tortured during the Inquisition?

“A few, sure.  But what’s your point?  The path to genuine enlightenment has always been filled with briars, thorns, and prickly hedgerows. One endures them and keeps moving forward.  We feel really good about our choice of a nickname.  Our new logo will feature a large question mark tied to a wooden stake surrounded by duraflame logs that have been set ablaze. It symbolizes the fierce passion for knowledge that Capital U is known for in central Ohio.

“Next question?”

 

The University of North Carolina Wilmington recently paid a 55-year-old tenured professor $504,702.76 to retire early.  No joke.  The professor had a history of tweeting messages that were offensive, and embarrassing to the University, but not illegal. 

Higher education faculty around the nation, say hello to your new revenue stream!

This case reflects a new domain within American jurisprudence — Dipwad Law — that is poised to blossom in the United States like poppies in an Afghanistan meadow during the growing season.  

For the details, let’s turn to Sheldon “Skip” Loosflem, managing partner at Loosflem, Loosflem, & Sterm, a Houston law firm that has represented more than 75 dipwads over the past 3 years:

“Every college and university in the country has its share of obnoxious faculty members.  These are truly miserable human beings — arrogant, narcissistic, and often downright crazy.  In the south they’re called ‘dipwads’, in the north they’re ‘a**holes’, and in the west they are ‘pimples with lips’.  At Ivy League schools they’re simply known as ‘tenured professors’. 

“Our firm helps dipwads develop tweets that do not violate the law, but make the administrations of their schools VERY uncomfortable.  For example, we worked with a physics professor at the University of Tennessee on messages claiming that red Twizzlers contain fiber-optic cable that delivers subliminal commands from the CIA to children who consume this product.  Tennessee paid the guy $1.4 million to leave.  At the Rhode Island School of Design, we coached a faculty member who believes that Melania Trump should stop wearing underwear on Thursdays.  RISD settled with her — the professor, not the First Lady — for $760,000 plus a Prius.  

“Our largest settlement thus far has been with Louisiana State University, where a psychology professor waged a Twitter campaign to have the University erect a statue, on the quad, of Jefferson Davis and Harriet Tubman making love.  Getting that professor to skedaddle cost them $10.2 million.  Sweet.  We took the entire firm, including the paralegals, to Saint Lucia for a week’s vacation after that one. 

“The way I see it, practicing Dipwad Law provides a service to both the school AND the faculty member.  The school rids itself of a truly noxious presence, and the faculty member benefits financially.  It’s a win-win.”

Moral of the Story: If your colleagues roll their eyes and mutter “Crap!” under their breath every time you enter the faculty dining room, it may be time to start tweeting.  Think about it. 

Life is a bit turbulent at Washington and Lee University these days.  A group of faculty is urging the Lexington, Virginia school to drop “Lee” from its name, given that Robert E. Lee — in the role of general — played on the varsity squad of the Confederacy in the Civil War.  

But here’s the rub.  

The George Washington of “Washington and Lee” was no slouch in his own right when it came to slavery.  Let’s just say that our first President could have populated the starting lineup of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the number of slaves he owned at Mount Vernon. 

Washington and Lee University, welcome to your rock and hard place!

Fear not, however.  William Dudley, the school’s President, has fashioned a solution to this problem that is stunning in its elegance, grace, and simplicity.  At a press conference yesterday Dudley made the following announcement:

“On September 1st, Washington and Lee will officially become Ampersand University.  The references to George Washington and Robert E. Lee will be removed, leaving only the word ‘and’.  An ampersand, of course, symbolizes that word, and it’s much classier than ‘and’.  So I’ve decided to go with it.   

“Not only does this new name drip prestige, it highlights our strategic focus on recruiting students who are not included in our current national conversation about intersectional identities.  While we are all familiar with the intersectional challenges faced by women of color, for example, or gay Catholics, the burdens shouldered by the more privileged are often overlooked.  Consider the rich teenage girl with a peanut allergy who has never ridden a polo pony, or the white male graduate of Phillips Exeter who blisters and burns rather than tans in the summer.  Who can they tell their stories to?  Who listens to them?  Who reads their anguished memoirs?

“I guarantee you: We’ll be listening at Ampersand University.  You are the students we are destined to serve.  You are our mission.”

It looks like there will be at least one college president in the country who’ll be getting a big raise this fall.  

Not a joke:  When students return to Syracuse University for the Fall semester, the school will “routinely test sewage leaving each residence hall to spot signs of the [COVID-19] virus,” so that sources of potential outbreaks on campus can be pinpointed (syracuse.com, June 4th).  

Well, this should be fun.

The challenge, of course, is making sure that the poop exiting Dormitory A actually represents the poop of students who reside in Dormitory A, rather than the poop of visitors.  As one anonymous Syracuse administrator put it, “it doesn’t help us much to quarantine everybody in Dormitory A if all the germs came from an intoxicated lacrosse player from Le Moyne College who stopped by that dorm to throw up on his way to another destination on campus.  Or, for that matter, if the source is simply someone from Dormitory B who was visiting a boyfriend or girlfriend in Dormitory A.”

Anticipating this possibility, the Office of Residential Life at Syracuse will initiate a “Poop Where You Live” campaign in early August.  According to the administrator, “we want to encourage students to do #2 ONLY in their home residence hall, and nowhere else.  Flyers with inspirational messages will be posted around the campus reminding students that ‘The warmest toilet seat is in your own backyard’, ‘You can hold it till you get back, we know you can’, and ‘There’s no flush like your own flush’.”

Golf-cart shuttles operated by Uber drivers will be available 24 hours a day at every residence hall to speed students back to their home dorm in response to #2 emergencies.  Not surprisingly, these shuttles will be known as “Loose Cabooses.” 

Finally, taking a cue from polling locations that give “I voted today” stickers to citizens who cast their ballots on election day, Syracuse will distribute badges that proclaim “I’m fighting on the home front with my backside” to students who pledge to do their business in the building they live in.

Is that a 21-bun salute we hear in the distance?  Hats off, and boxers and panties down, in honor of Syracuse University!

 

True Fact:  On June 12th the trustees of  Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.

Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st.  In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:

“This is a no-brainer.  Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country.  And as far as we know, he never owned a slave.  Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about.  For example:

• Idi Amin Conference Center
• Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
• Heinrich Himmler Research Library
• Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
• Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
• D. W. Griffith Arts Center
• Marie Osmond Student Union

“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”

Reporter:  “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”

“Not at all.   Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:

• Martin Luther King
• Dr. Martin Luther King
• Reverend Martin Luther King
• Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
• Martin L. King
• M. Luther King
• M. L. King
• Marty King
• The K-Man

“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King.  Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.

“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’.  This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.

“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here.  Clemson, you can eat our dust.”

FALL RE-OPENING, 2020

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College

Tupper Lake, NY

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College is pleased to announce its plans for reopening the campus in the fall of 2020.  This plan reflects our steadfast commitment to ensuring the safety of all of our students.

August 16:  A squadron of F-22A Raptor aircraft will sterilize our vacated campus, carpet-bombing it with a variety of anti-viral disinfectants that will include, but not be limited to, DDT, Agent Orange, hydroxychloroquine, bleach, and Mountain Dew.   

August 17:  Sterilization processes continue.  All lawns will be replaced with hypoallergenic artificial turf; trees and shrubbery will be replaced with Brutalist-inspired stainless-steel sculpture created by student artists.  Rogue peanuts will be taken into custody.

August 18:  Project Re-Entry: A demographically and ideologically diverse group of volunteer adjunct faculty will move into the Sturfrei-Wesleyan residence halls for a period of one week.  Their health will be monitored daily to confirm that the campus is safe for students to return.  These faculty will receive hazard pay and full health insurance coverage for up to three months. 

August 25:  “Part-Time Faculty, Full-Time Heroes” – Memorial service for Project Re-Entry’s fallen adjuncts

August 26:  Orientation Day for First-Year Students

9:00 am  Welcoming Address from President Welker Navely 

                 You’re Not Going to Die Here, I Promise!

10:00 am  Health Services Workshop I

                   Social Distancing during Sexual Encounters: 10 Tips That Could Save Your Life

11:00 am  Health Services Workshop II

                   What to Do if Your Roommate Wants to Borrow Your Ventilator

Noon         Lunch with Faculty Advisors

(Hazmat suits will be provided.  If your faculty advisor has been let go over the summer, you will be given a new one.  If your major has been eliminated over the summer, you will be given a new one.) 

1:00 pm     One-Act Play – Plague: The Musical (by Albert Camus and Stephen  Sondheim)                    

(Presented by the Drama Department and Faculty from the Public Health Master’s Program)

2:30 pm    Concert Performance by the Strurfrei-Wesleyan Student Choir

                        “Feelin’ Alright?”

                        “Fever”

                        “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

                        “Amazing Grace” (guest soloist: Alicia Keys)

                        “Taps” (lyrics by Bob Dylan and Miley Cyrus)

3:30 pm   Announcement of Fall Athletic Events That Have Been Cancelled

                   (All of them)   

4:00 pm   Wine and Cheese Reception with Your Campus-Based Primary Care Physician and Paramedic Team                          

                  (A stamped receipt indicating that your Fall tuition has been fully paid will serve as your admission ticket.)                   

5:00 pm   Closing Remarks from President Navely

                  We’re So Glad You’re Not Sick!

August 27   Classes Begin                    

Academics:  Every meeting of every course will last one hour and consist of a 5-minute mini-lecture repeated 12 times by the instructor.  Students will be rotated through the classroom in groups of 6 and socially distanced by a campus police officer.   

Dining:  All meals will be shrink-wrapped and delivered to students in their dorm rooms by adjunct faculty.                                                         

Career Counseling:  Will resume as soon as the College confirms that careers will be available.                       

October 12:  Columbus Day: Homecoming and End of the Fall Semester

Celebrated with a bonfire in the quad where Columbus is burned in effigy.   

Plans for the Spring 2021 semester are pending.  Please check the Sturfrei-Wesleyan website for updates.