Emptying the War Chest

In a dramatic move that has stunned the higher education community, Harvard and Yale will spend ALL of their endowment on campaign ads over the next 72 hours in an attempt to ensure President Trump’s defeat on Election Day.  

Just for the record, that’s $41.9 billion for Harvard, and $31.2 billion for Yale.

The schools will purchase every minute of broadcast time on every TV network and cable channel in the nation, starting at 12:01 am on Saturday and continuing until 11:59 Monday night.  All regular programming will be suspended.  

Each 30-second ad will consist of a different U. S. citizen staring directly into the camera and calmly saying, “Seriously, we REALLY can’t go through four more years of this.  Joe Biden may be as exciting as a lukewarm bowl of Cream of Rice, but at least he won’t contribute to the U-turn that human evolution is currently taking in the United States.”  The ads will be directed by Steven Spielberg, Spike Lee, Martin Scorsese, and Ava DuVernay, with background humming provided by the Vienna Boys’ Choir. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “this is a financial risk we have to take.  What’s the point of being an elite university if you live in a country where the next Secretary of Education might be a graduate of QAnon Community College, a school whose only major is Batshit Crazy?

Harvard and Yale will NOT be joined by Princeton University in this last-minute endeavor.  As Princeton President Christopher Eisgruber put it, “our magnolia-scented institution has historically taken pride in its Confederate ambience.  In my view, the jury is still out on Donald Trump’s presidency, so I think it’s only fair to give him these last few days of the campaign to turn things around in our nation.  As a professional courtesy, however, I’ll be sending Larry Bacow a check for $100 tomorrow, to use as he sees fit.”