In a press release yesterday, God Almighty (yes, that God Almighty) took full responsibility for the failure of Reverend John L. Jenkins, President of the University of Notre Dame, to wear a mask at the White House Rose Garden ceremony where Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was introduced.
“MY BAD!” said God. “Notre Dame is a major Catholic university, and I should have provided John with the sort of guidance I routinely give to John DeGioia and William Leahy, my bros at Georgetown and Boston College.
“Here’s the deal: I was distracted at the time of the Rose Garden event, but that’s no excuse. I was immersed in planning Hurricane Delta, and the Celestial Council was urging me to have Delta slam Haiti and Puerto Rico instead of Louisiana. I resisted. Those poor bastards in Haiti never catch a break. If it’s not a hurricane, it’s an earthquake. And if it’s not an earthquake, then it’s decades of incredibly inept and corrupt political leadership. The Council thought it would be hilarious to wallop Haiti again, but I just couldn’t do it. For Pete’s sake, let’s give them time to at least buy a few hundred portable toilets before we blow away what remains of their infrastructure! God is supposed to be merciful, right? I realize that I got out of the social justice business a long time ago, but a little mercy never hurt anybody.
“In any event, I totally forgot about President Jenkins. One day he’s in South Bend overseeing the Fighting Irish football team, and the next thing I know he’s sitting in a crowd of unmasked cretins in the Rose Garden. I’m sure he just got caught up in the moment. It’s not his fault!
“Just for the record, when I unleashed COVID-19 I had NO idea that you folks in the United States were going to f**k up your response so badly. I just wanted to give the world a fun public health challenge to grapple with for a couple of months, and then move on. I fully expected that ALL countries would handle the pandemic in the swift, decisive fashion that New Zealand did. I must admit, New Zealand’s Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, really stepped up to the plate and showed me something. She’s the real deal.
“Her leadership has got me thinking. I may have to revisit the Catholic Church’s policy of not allowing women to be priests. Joan of Arc and the Virgin Mary have been squawking about this issue on their Fire and Ice podcast for centuries.
“Stay tuned…..and wear your mask.”