“_____, _____, Pants on Fire!”

“This has nothing to do with money.”

That claim was made by University of Oregon President Michael Schill during a Zoom press conference on September 24th, when the PAC-12 announced that it would indeed have a fall football season, after previously saying that it would not do so because of the pandemic.  

What occurred next in the press conference can only be described as bizarre:  Schill’s image on the Zoom screen became increasingly fuzzy, and then gradually transformed itself into a crystal-clear depiction of a proboscis monkey, the one with a huge nose.  Schill’s voice continued to be heard, but now the words were coming out of the monkey’s mouth.

What had just happened?  Emory University primatologist Natalie Savoir-Faire offered a compelling explanation:

“Many people believe that when a person utters a falsehood, his or her nose grows longer like Pinocchio’s.  There IS a grain of truth in that belief, since lying is associated with a surge of adrenaline, and adrenaline can stimulate cartilage growth in the nasal region. 

“In this case, however, President Schill apparently told a lie that was SO outrageously huge that the foundational molecular structure of his body was totally reconstituted, with an emphasis, once again, on the nose.  This is a rare event, to be sure, but it does occur once every decade or so.”

Will President Schill eventually return to his human form?

“He might, but as long as he sticks to his story about the money, it’s highly unlikely.  You can deceive the American public, but you can’t fool your own protoplasm.”