The legacy of slavery continues to haunt prestigious universities in the United States. On November 6th The Chronicle of Higher Education reported that the first nine Presidents of Princeton University owned slaves. As embarrassing as this revelation is, the front-runner for the 2017 Gold Medal for Slavery-Related Shame would have to be Sons of the Confederacy Bible College in Brackish Springs, Mississippi, which only learned last week that chattel slavery had been abolished in the U.S.
“We are profoundly sorry for our ignorance of such a historic event,” announced Reverend Samuel Poutine, President of the College. “This is our bad. Since the College’s founding in 1862, we’ve devoted ourselves exclusively to the study of the Old Testament and the lessons this sacred document holds for all of God’s children. I guess we should have paid more attention to what was going on in the world around us. We had no idea that the Negroes had been freed. It looks like we’ll be having some awkward conversations with the folks on our campus who’ve worked for decades in maintenance, the student cafeteria, and our award-winning vegetable garden. They’re going to be extremely upset, and who can blame them? It’s kind of funny, but I had always wondered how we kept our tuition so low, compared to what they charge at the Wesley Biblical Seminary up in Jackson. Well, now I know. Labor Costs Matter!”
Details of the College’s plans to sell most of its bloodhounds will be released soon.