Author: Michael Morris

Life is a bit turbulent at Washington and Lee University these days.  A group of faculty is urging the Lexington, Virginia school to drop “Lee” from its name, given that Robert E. Lee — in the role of general — played on the varsity squad of the Confederacy in the Civil War.  

But here’s the rub.  

The George Washington of “Washington and Lee” was no slouch in his own right when it came to slavery.  Let’s just say that our first President could have populated the starting lineup of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the number of slaves he owned at Mount Vernon. 

Washington and Lee University, welcome to your rock and hard place!

Fear not, however.  William Dudley, the school’s President, has fashioned a solution to this problem that is stunning in its elegance, grace, and simplicity.  At a press conference yesterday Dudley made the following announcement:

“On September 1st, Washington and Lee will officially become Ampersand University.  The references to George Washington and Robert E. Lee will be removed, leaving only the word ‘and’.  An ampersand, of course, symbolizes that word, and it’s much classier than ‘and’.  So I’ve decided to go with it.   

“Not only does this new name drip prestige, it highlights our strategic focus on recruiting students who are not included in our current national conversation about intersectional identities.  While we are all familiar with the intersectional challenges faced by women of color, for example, or gay Catholics, the burdens shouldered by the more privileged are often overlooked.  Consider the rich teenage girl with a peanut allergy who has never ridden a polo pony, or the white male graduate of Phillips Exeter who blisters and burns rather than tans in the summer.  Who can they tell their stories to?  Who listens to them?  Who reads their anguished memoirs?

“I guarantee you: We’ll be listening at Ampersand University.  You are the students we are destined to serve.  You are our mission.”

It looks like there will be at least one college president in the country who’ll be getting a big raise this fall.  

Not a joke:  When students return to Syracuse University for the Fall semester, the school will “routinely test sewage leaving each residence hall to spot signs of the [COVID-19] virus,” so that sources of potential outbreaks on campus can be pinpointed (syracuse.com, June 4th).  

Well, this should be fun.

The challenge, of course, is making sure that the poop exiting Dormitory A actually represents the poop of students who reside in Dormitory A, rather than the poop of visitors.  As one anonymous Syracuse administrator put it, “it doesn’t help us much to quarantine everybody in Dormitory A if all the germs came from an intoxicated lacrosse player from Le Moyne College who stopped by that dorm to throw up on his way to another destination on campus.  Or, for that matter, if the source is simply someone from Dormitory B who was visiting a boyfriend or girlfriend in Dormitory A.”

Anticipating this possibility, the Office of Residential Life at Syracuse will initiate a “Poop Where You Live” campaign in early August.  According to the administrator, “we want to encourage students to do #2 ONLY in their home residence hall, and nowhere else.  Flyers with inspirational messages will be posted around the campus reminding students that ‘The warmest toilet seat is in your own backyard’, ‘You can hold it till you get back, we know you can’, and ‘There’s no flush like your own flush’.”

Golf-cart shuttles operated by Uber drivers will be available 24 hours a day at every residence hall to speed students back to their home dorm in response to #2 emergencies.  Not surprisingly, these shuttles will be known as “Loose Cabooses.” 

Finally, taking a cue from polling locations that give “I voted today” stickers to citizens who cast their ballots on election day, Syracuse will distribute badges that proclaim “I’m fighting on the home front with my backside” to students who pledge to do their business in the building they live in.

Is that a 21-bun salute we hear in the distance?  Hats off, and boxers and panties down, in honor of Syracuse University!

 

True Fact:  On June 12th the trustees of  Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.

Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st.  In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:

“This is a no-brainer.  Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country.  And as far as we know, he never owned a slave.  Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about.  For example:

• Idi Amin Conference Center
• Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
• Heinrich Himmler Research Library
• Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
• Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
• D. W. Griffith Arts Center
• Marie Osmond Student Union

“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”

Reporter:  “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”

“Not at all.   Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:

• Martin Luther King
• Dr. Martin Luther King
• Reverend Martin Luther King
• Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
• Martin L. King
• M. Luther King
• M. L. King
• Marty King
• The K-Man

“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King.  Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.

“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’.  This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.

“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here.  Clemson, you can eat our dust.”

FALL RE-OPENING, 2020

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College

Tupper Lake, NY

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College is pleased to announce its plans for reopening the campus in the fall of 2020.  This plan reflects our steadfast commitment to ensuring the safety of all of our students.

August 16:  A squadron of F-22A Raptor aircraft will sterilize our vacated campus, carpet-bombing it with a variety of anti-viral disinfectants that will include, but not be limited to, DDT, Agent Orange, hydroxychloroquine, bleach, and Mountain Dew.   

August 17:  Sterilization processes continue.  All lawns will be replaced with hypoallergenic artificial turf; trees and shrubbery will be replaced with Brutalist-inspired stainless-steel sculpture created by student artists.  Rogue peanuts will be taken into custody.

August 18:  Project Re-Entry: A demographically and ideologically diverse group of volunteer adjunct faculty will move into the Sturfrei-Wesleyan residence halls for a period of one week.  Their health will be monitored daily to confirm that the campus is safe for students to return.  These faculty will receive hazard pay and full health insurance coverage for up to three months. 

August 25:  “Part-Time Faculty, Full-Time Heroes” – Memorial service for Project Re-Entry’s fallen adjuncts

August 26:  Orientation Day for First-Year Students

9:00 am  Welcoming Address from President Welker Navely 

                 You’re Not Going to Die Here, I Promise!

10:00 am  Health Services Workshop I

                   Social Distancing during Sexual Encounters: 10 Tips That Could Save Your Life

11:00 am  Health Services Workshop II

                   What to Do if Your Roommate Wants to Borrow Your Ventilator

Noon         Lunch with Faculty Advisors

(Hazmat suits will be provided.  If your faculty advisor has been let go over the summer, you will be given a new one.  If your major has been eliminated over the summer, you will be given a new one.) 

1:00 pm     One-Act Play – Plague: The Musical (by Albert Camus and Stephen  Sondheim)                    

(Presented by the Drama Department and Faculty from the Public Health Master’s Program)

2:30 pm    Concert Performance by the Strurfrei-Wesleyan Student Choir

                        “Feelin’ Alright?”

                        “Fever”

                        “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

                        “Amazing Grace” (guest soloist: Alicia Keys)

                        “Taps” (lyrics by Bob Dylan and Miley Cyrus)

3:30 pm   Announcement of Fall Athletic Events That Have Been Cancelled

                   (All of them)   

4:00 pm   Wine and Cheese Reception with Your Campus-Based Primary Care Physician and Paramedic Team                          

                  (A stamped receipt indicating that your Fall tuition has been fully paid will serve as your admission ticket.)                   

5:00 pm   Closing Remarks from President Navely

                  We’re So Glad You’re Not Sick!

August 27   Classes Begin                    

Academics:  Every meeting of every course will last one hour and consist of a 5-minute mini-lecture repeated 12 times by the instructor.  Students will be rotated through the classroom in groups of 6 and socially distanced by a campus police officer.   

Dining:  All meals will be shrink-wrapped and delivered to students in their dorm rooms by adjunct faculty.                                                         

Career Counseling:  Will resume as soon as the College confirms that careers will be available.                       

October 12:  Columbus Day: Homecoming and End of the Fall Semester

Celebrated with a bonfire in the quad where Columbus is burned in effigy.   

Plans for the Spring 2021 semester are pending.  Please check the Sturfrei-Wesleyan website for updates.

Given the health risks posed by COVID-19, it’s no surprise that The Chronicle of Higher Education recently featured an article entitled “Why the Fall Will Be a Liability Minefield” for colleges and universities (May 29 online). 

Instead of being immobilized by this challenge, Middlebury College in Vermont is embracing it.  When students return to campus in August, they will find that the second floor of the McCullough Student Center has been converted into a honeycomb of offices representing legal firms they can easily access for lawsuit assistance.   

As Middlebury President Laurie Patton put it, “we know that we are putting students in harm’s way by bringing them back here with no vaccine available.  And given our liberal worldview, we feel really guilty about that, just as we feel really guilty about every thought we think and every action we take at Middlebury, every day of the year.  By making it convenient for students to sue us, we hope to send a message that says, ‘we may be screwing you, but we’re doing our best to help you screw us’.

“We are committed to resolving all cases within 48 hours of their being filed, and that includes weekends.  A branch of the town’s municipal court will be housed on the first floor of McCullough, and it will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  A judge will sleep on the premises. 

“We plan to offer a $10,000 settlement to every plaintiff.  With Middlebury’s endowment at $1.1 billion, and fewer than 3,000 students enrolled, we should be able to handle this.

“These procedures can only be used for coronavirus-related cases.  Legal complaints concerning racial injustice, gender bias, and sexual harassment must be filed in person by the complaining party at the State Superior Court in Montpelier.  A faculty task force is hard at work developing an expedited process for these allegations, and their preliminary report is due to be released in October 2021.”

With respect to COVID-19, students receiving Pell Grants can choose to be represented by the Vermont Legal Assistance Clinic or by Bob LeGruyère, a local attorney who specializes in class-action suits involving lead-tainted maple syrup.  Students paying full tuition will be represented by senior attorneys from Cravath, Swaine & Moore, and during the initial interview will enjoy a delicious 3-course meal catered by Wolfgang Puck’s nephew, Dingo Flanelle. 

The positive consequences of Middlebury’s initiative are already being noticed, even before students return to campus.   According to President Patton, “I’m sleeping better now than I have in years.  It feels good to give!”

University leaders across the country, take note. 

In the wake of East Carolina University’s decision to eliminate its swimming and diving teams due to budget problems exacerbated by the pandemic (true fact), a near-tragedy took place 3,000 miles away in Berkeley, California, home of the University of California’s swimming program, a perennial NCAA powerhouse.  University Life has obtained the details:

On May 23rd, University of California officials proudly announced that the school would not terminate its swimming program.  However, they failed to communicate that they would attempt to save money over the summer by draining the pool and turning off all the lights in the team’s training facility.  

What officials did not realize was that the men’s diving team has a long tradition of holding a secret practice at midnight on Memorial Day. 

“It’s just a way of getting the guys together and bonding in preparation for the fall season,” says Asher Blake, team co-captain.  “When we snuck into the Spieker Aquatic Complex just after midnight on May 25th, we were annoyed that the lights wouldn’t come on, but it was no big deal.  Even in the dark, we knew where the pool was.  

“The first sign that something was definitely wrong was when Hayden Tiff, our top competitor on the 27-meter platform, did his signature jackknife dive.  Instead of hearing the brief, sharp splash of his body entering the water, what filled the air resembled the sound of a large cockroach being stepped on in a tenement kitchen. 

“Grayson Fenz immediately cannonballed from the platform to find out what the problem was, and we heard the same sickening crunch.  Three more guys followed him before somebody grabbed a flashlight and we looked into the pool.

“Jesus H. Christ, it was a freakin’ train wreck down there!  Looked like the basement of Alpha Kappa Lambda after a Saturday night keg party.  Bodies splayed all over the place.  Fortunately, nobody suffered anything worse than a mild concussion, and everyone is expected to fully recover.  We dodged a bullet, man!

“The doctor in the emergency room told us that the brains of high-divers are significantly smaller, and their skulls thicker and harder, than the brains of non-divers.  It’s a scientific fact.  I guess that kind of explains why we dove into an empty pool in the first place, and why our injuries weren’t more serious.  Awesome!”

Across the country, sales of adult diapers have soared in cities and towns that house institutions of higher learning, as perspiration-drenched administrators attempt, in the midst of the pandemic, to plan for the Fall 2020 semester.  As one anonymous college president put it, “I’ve gotten used to soiling myself whenever we have a Zoom session to discuss how, and whether, to bring students back to campus in September.  Thank God we’re not meeting in person!  No room deodorizer on the planet could neutralize what I’m putting out there these days.”

Enter the University of Alabama, which is about to rewrite the playbook for creatively dealing with the havoc wreaked by COVID-19.  Yesterday it announced that on August 1st the University will be taken over by the school’s phenomenally successful NCAA Division 1 football program.  All academic and research divisions of the institution will officially become extra-curricular activities that students can participate in if they wish.   The new, restructured entity will simply be known as Crimson Tide, and the University of Alabama name will be retired.    

In a hastily called press conference, Dr. James Purcell, Executive Director of the state’s Commission on Higher Education, explained the change:

“The current pandemic has laid bare the vulnerability of institutions that prioritize academic pursuits.  Knowledge building and the communication of knowledge to students no longer represent viable, sustainable endeavors in the modern world.  In Alabama, however, we are blessed with the most successful college football operation on earth.  Indeed, you can travel to lands as far away as Yemen, Papua New Guinea, or Tasmania and find scores of street urchins proudly wearing Crimson Tide tee shirts.  It’s time to let head coach Nick Saban and his team chart the future of higher education in our beloved Cotton State. 

“Let’s face facts.  The University of Alabama was established in 1820.  The school has had 200 years to educate the residents of our state.  Can anyone look me in the eye and tell me with a straight face that our citizens are any less dumb now than they were in 1820? 

“I’m waiting.

“I didn’t think so. 

“Come this  fall, I guarantee you that Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa will be filled with students and alumni, masks or no masks.  Fans over 70 years old will be seated in their own special section, which will be equipped with ventilators.  And cheerleaders will disinfect the players with full-body sanitizing wipes after every change of possession.

“Would this model of higher education work at Yale or Amherst?  Probably not, but that’s not my problem.  It’s going to work for us.”

Some schools have “flipped the classroom” in recent years.  In Alabama, they’re flipping the institution.  Stay tuned.  

Liberty University, the evangelical Christian institution in Lynchburg, VA, can’t stop making headlines.  At the end of June the school plans to shut down its Philosophy Department.  No joke. 

At first glance, getting rid of a Philosophy Department in a university that stresses the importance of religion might seem a bit strange.  But when Liberty President Jerry Falwell, Jr. explained his reasoning at a May 13th press conference, it all made sense.  His comments:

“I visited the Philosophy Department website the other day and found this sentence: ‘The philosophy degree at Liberty develops the whole person and will prepare you for a lifetime of problem-solving and critical thinking.’  

“My immediate reaction was: Are you f**king kidding me?  Where did they come up with this bulls**t?   If there’s a bullet train to Hell and eternal damnation that’s any faster and more direct than critical thinking, I have yet to see it.  Once you get on board, it’s impossible to get off.  You start questioning EVERYTHING:  ‘Oh Professor, I don’t find the biblical story of Eve being created from Adam’s rib to be compelling.  Did armadillos come from his collarbone?  Did pussy cats come from Eve’s special place?’ 

“Next thing you know, you’ve got hoards of students dressed up like KISS, fornicating in the cafeteria’s dessert line, humping like Satanic hamsters in heat, spread-eagled all over the plastic shields that are supposed to protect the apple crisp and peach cobbler.  Believe me, that’s the last thing we need on our campus right now as we try to enforce social distancing during the pandemic.  I’m sorry, but Philosophy must go.”

Now that’s a compelling argument, no matter what your religious beliefs are.  This round goes to President Falwell. 

 

As the pandemic continues to plague our nation, colleges and universities have been grappling with the challenge of what to do about grades in Spring 2020 courses.  Many schools have chosen the familiar option of Pass/Fail, but Syracuse University has followed a different path.  Its instructors can select one of the following when submitting grades this semester:  

• “Pass with Distinction”
• “Pass”
• “Saved by COVID-19”

According to Syracuse Chancellor Kent Syverud, “our students have been traumatized enough by the coronavirus.  The last thing they need right now is a stigmatizing F on their transcript, bleeding all over the page like a stuck pig on a paper towel.  Although ‘Saved by COVID-19’ is certainly no badge of honor, it’s not as hurtful as an F, and it doesn’t lower your GPA.

“In essence, NO ONE is going to fail ANYTHING at Syracuse University this term.  It’s the least we can do for our students, given that we’ve barred them from campus since Spring Break.  There’s no way we can ever make up for all the sex and alcohol they’ve missed over the past few months because they’ve been living at home with their parents, but eliminating F’s is something we can give them.” 

Student reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.  Randy Loofer, a Pre-Med major from Utica, New York, is ecstatic.  “I was definitely headed for an F in Organic Chemistry this semester.  I had gotten a 12 on the midterm exam, and that was higher than any of my quiz scores.  My goal of becoming a brain surgeon was going down the tubes.  But now I’m back in business, baby, and it’s awesome!  Mom and Dad, can you still get me a Watson-Cheyne dissecting probe with my initials on it for my birthday?  I love you!”

President Syverud, give yourself an A for your performance this semester.  And we’re not grading on a curve.  

 

 

 

True Fact:  Southern New Hampshire University recently announced that its incoming Fall 2020 freshmen would pay NO TUITION for their first year at the school.  That’s right — these students will attend SNHU tuition-free for one year.

Wow.  

One imagines SNHU President Paul LeBlanc delivering this bombshell to a bunch of college and university presidents at a TED Talk, then dropping his microphone on the stage as he saunters off, flashing a sly smile that says, “Top that, boys and girls!  At SNHU, we put the ‘dis’ in ‘disruption’.”  

Not so fast, Wonder Boy.

Candida College in Rutland, Vermont has responded with an offer that’s even more daring.  

At a press conference three days ago, Candida President Carson “Sonny” Tarpinsky indicated that not only would the upcoming academic year be tuition-free for its freshmen, it would also be the case that each of these students would be paid $10,000 by the school for attending in 2020-21.  Tarpinsky ended his prepared remarks by inviting President LeBlanc to “bite me.”

The proceedings took an awkward turn, however, when a reporter asked Tarpinsky about the financial implications of this offer for Candida, a school with an endowment of less than $2 million.  The President turned to Candida’s Chief Financial Officer, Len Honus, who silently mouthed the words “HOLY S**T!” and smacked his forehead while gazing at Tarpinsky.

Maintaining his cool, the President told the reporter that he would get back to her soon with an answer to that question.

In a related story, Rutland police are seeking the public’s help in locating Mr. Honus, who has not been seen since the press conference.  The police have identified the Mongo brothers, Jeremy and Jessie, as “persons of interest” in the case.  They were last spotted in the vicinity of Lake Bomoseen, near the town of Castleton, carrying a chainsaw and overstuffed duffel bag.  Anyone encountering the pair should call 911, and refrain from engaging them directly.