Author: Michael Morris

Although Harvard is going online this fall for all of its courses (true fact), it’s doing so in a style that befits a university whose smartphone contact list has both The Almighty and Queen Latifah on speed-dial.  

To ease the pain inflicted by an online, Zoom-based curriculum, Harvard is providing every one of its students with a deluxe Peloton exercise bike that can be pedaled in front of a computer screen that streams class sessions. 

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “Peloton is the Maserati of the fitness-cycling world.  Each student will receive, at no cost to him or her, a Peloton Mark IV, not the standard-issue Peloton purchased by the proletariat.  The Mark IV retails at $7495 and features handlebar streamers, custom detailing that includes the Harvard insignia, and TWO built-in Pez dispensers.  The Mark IV will remain the student’s property after the semester is over.  

“The Harvard Peloton Initiative (HPI) will enable our students to enhance their physical fitness while they are participating in class sessions.  Given the high-profile roles that our graduates play in world affairs, it’s crucial that they look ready for their responsibilities, and not resemble the current Tub-in-Chief occupying the White House.

“Our school motto may be ‘Veritas’, but the ultimate truth we seek is the Platonic ideal of a washboard abdomen.  Here, feel my stomach.  Go ahead, punch it.  Punch it hard.  Larry Bacow is a Mark IV man!”

It seems like every time Yale gets close, Harvard pulls away. 

True Fact:  A black bear wandered onto the campus of Dartmouth College on July 9th and spent a couple of peaceful hours there before making its way back into the woods.

Inspired by this charming episode, the school plans to fence off a grazing area on its campus quad for use by retired faculty in the fall of 2020.  

According to Dartmouth President Philip Hanlon, “many of our professors emeriti don’t know what to do with themselves during the day.  They rattle around the house annoying their spouses, hunker down in front of the TV and yell at President Trump, or sit alone at Dunkin’ Donuts for hours nursing a single cup of Metamucil-laced coffee and a tofu/kelp cruller.  These folks should be outside, getting some exercise, and socializing with their peers.  That’s where Professors’ Meadow comes in.  

“We’re going to place coin-operated M&M dispensers around the perimeter of the quad, so that visitors can hand-feed these faculty if they wish.  Most of our retired professors are gentle, but a few can be feisty and disruptive, so a couple of campus police officers, equipped with tranquilizing darts, will be stationed at Professors’ Meadow from 7:00 am to 5:00 pm every day.  Ginger, our resident Border Collie, will shepherd the retirees into shuttle vans at the end of the day for the ride home.

“Very few of our students have ever seen a professor emeritus, so it will be a wonderful opportunity for them to encounter these individuals in a controlled environment.  They may even hear a snippet of a lecture now and then, as a retiree attempts to educate Ginger about the origins of the Boer Wars.   

“If all goes well, we will begin seeking national accreditation from AAUP as an Emeritus Petting Zoo in Spring 2021.  It’s a grueling, 3-year process, but we want only the best for those professors who have faithfully served Dartmouth College over the decades.”

Who says you can’t find a feel-good story in the midst of a pandemic?

According to The Columbus Post Dispatch, Capital University — the oldest university in central Ohio — plans to stop using the nickname “Crusaders” for its sports teams.  

The Crusades, of course, were a series of religious wars waged in the medieval era.  The conflicts generated an impressive amount of carnage, especially when you consider the fact that the world did not yet have easy access to rapid-fire weaponry or NRA lobbying support. 

The university will soon unveil a new, more acceptable nickname for its teams: the Inquisitors.  As the director of the school’s Media Relations office noted during a press conference on Wednesday, “to the modern ear, the term ‘Crusader’ sounds militaristic and is off-putting, evoking images of religious zealots engaging in wholesale slaughter.  ‘Inquisition’, on the other hand, has kinder, gentler connotations.  It speaks to a search for incontrovertible truth guided by disciplined questioning directed at individuals, such as Galileo or our students, who possess an incomplete understanding of the universe .  Isn’t that what higher education is all about?  Isn’t that what we DO in our classes?”

But weren’t people tortured during the Inquisition?

“A few, sure.  But what’s your point?  The path to genuine enlightenment has always been filled with briars, thorns, and prickly hedgerows. One endures them and keeps moving forward.  We feel really good about our choice of a nickname.  Our new logo will feature a large question mark tied to a wooden stake surrounded by duraflame logs that have been set ablaze. It symbolizes the fierce passion for knowledge that Capital U is known for in central Ohio.

“Next question?”

 

The University of North Carolina Wilmington recently paid a 55-year-old tenured professor $504,702.76 to retire early.  No joke.  The professor had a history of tweeting messages that were offensive, and embarrassing to the University, but not illegal. 

Higher education faculty around the nation, say hello to your new revenue stream!

This case reflects a new domain within American jurisprudence — Dipwad Law — that is poised to blossom in the United States like poppies in an Afghanistan meadow during the growing season.  

For the details, let’s turn to Sheldon “Skip” Loosflem, managing partner at Loosflem, Loosflem, & Sterm, a Houston law firm that has represented more than 75 dipwads over the past 3 years:

“Every college and university in the country has its share of obnoxious faculty members.  These are truly miserable human beings — arrogant, narcissistic, and often downright crazy.  In the south they’re called ‘dipwads’, in the north they’re ‘a**holes’, and in the west they are ‘pimples with lips’.  At Ivy League schools they’re simply known as ‘tenured professors’. 

“Our firm helps dipwads develop tweets that do not violate the law, but make the administrations of their schools VERY uncomfortable.  For example, we worked with a physics professor at the University of Tennessee on messages claiming that red Twizzlers contain fiber-optic cable that delivers subliminal commands from the CIA to children who consume this product.  Tennessee paid the guy $1.4 million to leave.  At the Rhode Island School of Design, we coached a faculty member who believes that Melania Trump should stop wearing underwear on Thursdays.  RISD settled with her — the professor, not the First Lady — for $760,000 plus a Prius.  

“Our largest settlement thus far has been with Louisiana State University, where a psychology professor waged a Twitter campaign to have the University erect a statue, on the quad, of Jefferson Davis and Harriet Tubman making love.  Getting that professor to skedaddle cost them $10.2 million.  Sweet.  We took the entire firm, including the paralegals, to Saint Lucia for a week’s vacation after that one. 

“The way I see it, practicing Dipwad Law provides a service to both the school AND the faculty member.  The school rids itself of a truly noxious presence, and the faculty member benefits financially.  It’s a win-win.”

Moral of the Story: If your colleagues roll their eyes and mutter “Crap!” under their breath every time you enter the faculty dining room, it may be time to start tweeting.  Think about it. 

Life is a bit turbulent at Washington and Lee University these days.  A group of faculty is urging the Lexington, Virginia school to drop “Lee” from its name, given that Robert E. Lee — in the role of general — played on the varsity squad of the Confederacy in the Civil War.  

But here’s the rub.  

The George Washington of “Washington and Lee” was no slouch in his own right when it came to slavery.  Let’s just say that our first President could have populated the starting lineup of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the number of slaves he owned at Mount Vernon. 

Washington and Lee University, welcome to your rock and hard place!

Fear not, however.  William Dudley, the school’s President, has fashioned a solution to this problem that is stunning in its elegance, grace, and simplicity.  At a press conference yesterday Dudley made the following announcement:

“On September 1st, Washington and Lee will officially become Ampersand University.  The references to George Washington and Robert E. Lee will be removed, leaving only the word ‘and’.  An ampersand, of course, symbolizes that word, and it’s much classier than ‘and’.  So I’ve decided to go with it.   

“Not only does this new name drip prestige, it highlights our strategic focus on recruiting students who are not included in our current national conversation about intersectional identities.  While we are all familiar with the intersectional challenges faced by women of color, for example, or gay Catholics, the burdens shouldered by the more privileged are often overlooked.  Consider the rich teenage girl with a peanut allergy who has never ridden a polo pony, or the white male graduate of Phillips Exeter who blisters and burns rather than tans in the summer.  Who can they tell their stories to?  Who listens to them?  Who reads their anguished memoirs?

“I guarantee you: We’ll be listening at Ampersand University.  You are the students we are destined to serve.  You are our mission.”

It looks like there will be at least one college president in the country who’ll be getting a big raise this fall.  

Not a joke:  When students return to Syracuse University for the Fall semester, the school will “routinely test sewage leaving each residence hall to spot signs of the [COVID-19] virus,” so that sources of potential outbreaks on campus can be pinpointed (syracuse.com, June 4th).  

Well, this should be fun.

The challenge, of course, is making sure that the poop exiting Dormitory A actually represents the poop of students who reside in Dormitory A, rather than the poop of visitors.  As one anonymous Syracuse administrator put it, “it doesn’t help us much to quarantine everybody in Dormitory A if all the germs came from an intoxicated lacrosse player from Le Moyne College who stopped by that dorm to throw up on his way to another destination on campus.  Or, for that matter, if the source is simply someone from Dormitory B who was visiting a boyfriend or girlfriend in Dormitory A.”

Anticipating this possibility, the Office of Residential Life at Syracuse will initiate a “Poop Where You Live” campaign in early August.  According to the administrator, “we want to encourage students to do #2 ONLY in their home residence hall, and nowhere else.  Flyers with inspirational messages will be posted around the campus reminding students that ‘The warmest toilet seat is in your own backyard’, ‘You can hold it till you get back, we know you can’, and ‘There’s no flush like your own flush’.”

Golf-cart shuttles operated by Uber drivers will be available 24 hours a day at every residence hall to speed students back to their home dorm in response to #2 emergencies.  Not surprisingly, these shuttles will be known as “Loose Cabooses.” 

Finally, taking a cue from polling locations that give “I voted today” stickers to citizens who cast their ballots on election day, Syracuse will distribute badges that proclaim “I’m fighting on the home front with my backside” to students who pledge to do their business in the building they live in.

Is that a 21-bun salute we hear in the distance?  Hats off, and boxers and panties down, in honor of Syracuse University!

 

True Fact:  On June 12th the trustees of  Clemson University unanimously voted to remove the name of John C. Calhoun, the 19th-century U.S. Senator who vigorously supported slavery, from its honors college.

Not to be outdone, the University of South Carolina, Clemson’s arch-rival, has announced that it will rename every one of its campus buildings after Martin Luther King on September 1st.  In a press briefing yesterday, USC President Robert Caslen explained the decision:

“This is a no-brainer.  Dr. King is one of the most admired figures in the history of our country.  And as far as we know, he never owned a slave.  Let’s face it, we currently have a number of buildings on our campus whose names honor people we no longer feel good about.  For example:

• Idi Amin Conference Center
• Wayne Gacy School of Hospitality and Tourism
• Heinrich Himmler Research Library
• Tonya Harding Athletic Complex
• Pol Pot Institute of International Affairs
• D. W. Griffith Arts Center
• Marie Osmond Student Union

“Rather than renaming these and other buildings one-by-one over the next several years, and having to come up with a different name each time, it just makes sense to do the job all at once.”

Reporter:  “Won’t it be confusing to visitors if every building has the same name?”

“Not at all.   Here are just a few of the variations we’ll be using:

• Martin Luther King
• Dr. Martin Luther King
• Reverend Martin Luther King
• Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King
• Martin L. King
• M. Luther King
• M. L. King
• Marty King
• The K-Man

“We also plan to rename every street, avenue, lane, path, walkway, and cul-de-sac on campus after Dr. King.  Sure, there’ll be some GPS chaos at first, but we are not going to prioritize short-term efficiency over our long-term commitment to social justice.

“Finally, starting January 1st, 2021, every child born to a member of the USC faculty, administration, and staff will be christened ‘Martin Luther [surname]’.  This policy will apply to both male and female offspring.

“We’re confident that we’re on the right side of history here.  Clemson, you can eat our dust.”

FALL RE-OPENING, 2020

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College

Tupper Lake, NY

Sturfrei-Wesleyan College is pleased to announce its plans for reopening the campus in the fall of 2020.  This plan reflects our steadfast commitment to ensuring the safety of all of our students.

August 16:  A squadron of F-22A Raptor aircraft will sterilize our vacated campus, carpet-bombing it with a variety of anti-viral disinfectants that will include, but not be limited to, DDT, Agent Orange, hydroxychloroquine, bleach, and Mountain Dew.   

August 17:  Sterilization processes continue.  All lawns will be replaced with hypoallergenic artificial turf; trees and shrubbery will be replaced with Brutalist-inspired stainless-steel sculpture created by student artists.  Rogue peanuts will be taken into custody.

August 18:  Project Re-Entry: A demographically and ideologically diverse group of volunteer adjunct faculty will move into the Sturfrei-Wesleyan residence halls for a period of one week.  Their health will be monitored daily to confirm that the campus is safe for students to return.  These faculty will receive hazard pay and full health insurance coverage for up to three months. 

August 25:  “Part-Time Faculty, Full-Time Heroes” – Memorial service for Project Re-Entry’s fallen adjuncts

August 26:  Orientation Day for First-Year Students

9:00 am  Welcoming Address from President Welker Navely 

                 You’re Not Going to Die Here, I Promise!

10:00 am  Health Services Workshop I

                   Social Distancing during Sexual Encounters: 10 Tips That Could Save Your Life

11:00 am  Health Services Workshop II

                   What to Do if Your Roommate Wants to Borrow Your Ventilator

Noon         Lunch with Faculty Advisors

(Hazmat suits will be provided.  If your faculty advisor has been let go over the summer, you will be given a new one.  If your major has been eliminated over the summer, you will be given a new one.) 

1:00 pm     One-Act Play – Plague: The Musical (by Albert Camus and Stephen  Sondheim)                    

(Presented by the Drama Department and Faculty from the Public Health Master’s Program)

2:30 pm    Concert Performance by the Strurfrei-Wesleyan Student Choir

                        “Feelin’ Alright?”

                        “Fever”

                        “You’ll Never Walk Alone”

                        “Amazing Grace” (guest soloist: Alicia Keys)

                        “Taps” (lyrics by Bob Dylan and Miley Cyrus)

3:30 pm   Announcement of Fall Athletic Events That Have Been Cancelled

                   (All of them)   

4:00 pm   Wine and Cheese Reception with Your Campus-Based Primary Care Physician and Paramedic Team                          

                  (A stamped receipt indicating that your Fall tuition has been fully paid will serve as your admission ticket.)                   

5:00 pm   Closing Remarks from President Navely

                  We’re So Glad You’re Not Sick!

August 27   Classes Begin                    

Academics:  Every meeting of every course will last one hour and consist of a 5-minute mini-lecture repeated 12 times by the instructor.  Students will be rotated through the classroom in groups of 6 and socially distanced by a campus police officer.   

Dining:  All meals will be shrink-wrapped and delivered to students in their dorm rooms by adjunct faculty.                                                         

Career Counseling:  Will resume as soon as the College confirms that careers will be available.                       

October 12:  Columbus Day: Homecoming and End of the Fall Semester

Celebrated with a bonfire in the quad where Columbus is burned in effigy.   

Plans for the Spring 2021 semester are pending.  Please check the Sturfrei-Wesleyan website for updates.

Given the health risks posed by COVID-19, it’s no surprise that The Chronicle of Higher Education recently featured an article entitled “Why the Fall Will Be a Liability Minefield” for colleges and universities (May 29 online). 

Instead of being immobilized by this challenge, Middlebury College in Vermont is embracing it.  When students return to campus in August, they will find that the second floor of the McCullough Student Center has been converted into a honeycomb of offices representing legal firms they can easily access for lawsuit assistance.   

As Middlebury President Laurie Patton put it, “we know that we are putting students in harm’s way by bringing them back here with no vaccine available.  And given our liberal worldview, we feel really guilty about that, just as we feel really guilty about every thought we think and every action we take at Middlebury, every day of the year.  By making it convenient for students to sue us, we hope to send a message that says, ‘we may be screwing you, but we’re doing our best to help you screw us’.

“We are committed to resolving all cases within 48 hours of their being filed, and that includes weekends.  A branch of the town’s municipal court will be housed on the first floor of McCullough, and it will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  A judge will sleep on the premises. 

“We plan to offer a $10,000 settlement to every plaintiff.  With Middlebury’s endowment at $1.1 billion, and fewer than 3,000 students enrolled, we should be able to handle this.

“These procedures can only be used for coronavirus-related cases.  Legal complaints concerning racial injustice, gender bias, and sexual harassment must be filed in person by the complaining party at the State Superior Court in Montpelier.  A faculty task force is hard at work developing an expedited process for these allegations, and their preliminary report is due to be released in October 2021.”

With respect to COVID-19, students receiving Pell Grants can choose to be represented by the Vermont Legal Assistance Clinic or by Bob LeGruyère, a local attorney who specializes in class-action suits involving lead-tainted maple syrup.  Students paying full tuition will be represented by senior attorneys from Cravath, Swaine & Moore, and during the initial interview will enjoy a delicious 3-course meal catered by Wolfgang Puck’s nephew, Dingo Flanelle. 

The positive consequences of Middlebury’s initiative are already being noticed, even before students return to campus.   According to President Patton, “I’m sleeping better now than I have in years.  It feels good to give!”

University leaders across the country, take note. 

In the wake of East Carolina University’s decision to eliminate its swimming and diving teams due to budget problems exacerbated by the pandemic (true fact), a near-tragedy took place 3,000 miles away in Berkeley, California, home of the University of California’s swimming program, a perennial NCAA powerhouse.  University Life has obtained the details:

On May 23rd, University of California officials proudly announced that the school would not terminate its swimming program.  However, they failed to communicate that they would attempt to save money over the summer by draining the pool and turning off all the lights in the team’s training facility.  

What officials did not realize was that the men’s diving team has a long tradition of holding a secret practice at midnight on Memorial Day. 

“It’s just a way of getting the guys together and bonding in preparation for the fall season,” says Asher Blake, team co-captain.  “When we snuck into the Spieker Aquatic Complex just after midnight on May 25th, we were annoyed that the lights wouldn’t come on, but it was no big deal.  Even in the dark, we knew where the pool was.  

“The first sign that something was definitely wrong was when Hayden Tiff, our top competitor on the 27-meter platform, did his signature jackknife dive.  Instead of hearing the brief, sharp splash of his body entering the water, what filled the air resembled the sound of a large cockroach being stepped on in a tenement kitchen. 

“Grayson Fenz immediately cannonballed from the platform to find out what the problem was, and we heard the same sickening crunch.  Three more guys followed him before somebody grabbed a flashlight and we looked into the pool.

“Jesus H. Christ, it was a freakin’ train wreck down there!  Looked like the basement of Alpha Kappa Lambda after a Saturday night keg party.  Bodies splayed all over the place.  Fortunately, nobody suffered anything worse than a mild concussion, and everyone is expected to fully recover.  We dodged a bullet, man!

“The doctor in the emergency room told us that the brains of high-divers are significantly smaller, and their skulls thicker and harder, than the brains of non-divers.  It’s a scientific fact.  I guess that kind of explains why we dove into an empty pool in the first place, and why our injuries weren’t more serious.  Awesome!”