Money Magazine recently announced that it is replacing its rankings of colleges and universities with ratings that will range from 2.5 stars to 5 stars (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 22nd online).
So, here’s a question: Why start the ratings with 2.5 stars rather than with zero stars?
Investigative reporters from University Life have discovered that the magazine does assign ratings lower than 2.5, but it chooses not to publish them in order to avoid stigmatizing the institutions involved. As a service to our readers, we are sharing the criteria upon which these lower ratings are based.
2 Stars — Schools that offer Introduction to Snake-Handling as part of the core curriculum (“Fairly common in Pentecostal bible colleges in the deep South,” says a confidential source at Money.)
1.5 Stars — Colleges where more than 40% of all undergraduates major in Beer Pong or Esports
1 Star — Universities where at least one-third of all 1st-floor residence-hall rooms are available to the public for hourly rentals (“Housekeeping staff at these schools display very low morale.”)
0.5 Stars — Institutions that do not participate in federal student-loan programs, opting instead to use DraftKings and/or FanDuel as a means of helping students finance their education (“These kids graduate with astonishingly high levels of debt. It’s criminal.”)
Zero Stars — Schools whose alumni/ae have a greater than 30% chance of being arrested between 2 am and 4 am for speeding while driving in the wrong direction on an interstate highway (“This is what happens when you major in Beer Pong.”)
The Bottom Line: If a college your kid is interested in is not rated by Money, there’s probably a damn good reason.