Uh-oh. According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, “faculty members at Miami University [in Ohio] are protesting a proposed policy that would require employees to report their own criminal activity or that of their colleagues to the university’s lawyers…..failure to do so could mean disciplinary action, up to dismissal.”
If this weren’t bad enough, the Miami administration plans to extend the policy in 2020 to a variety of non-criminal faculty offenses, including the following:
— leaving pee dribbles on toilet seats in campus bathrooms
— putting too much text into PowerPoint lecture slides
— failing to clap when the applause sign is lit during Presidential addresses to the faculty
— encouraging adjunct faculty to seek higher pay and better working conditions
— pouring an excessive amount of Thousand Island dressing on your salad during lunch in the faculty dining room; taking a pat of butter but not using it
— nodding off at department meetings in the midst of discussions of course re-numbering
— delivering course lectures in bathrobe and slippers
— using the same multiple-choice questions on exams for three consecutive semesters
— being “generally annoying” or “weird”
— mouthing the words to the Star-Spangled Banner, rather than actually singing them, prior to campus sporting events
— promising to bring cocktail shrimp, hot wings, and recreational marijuana to the department Christmas party, but not following through
— putting chewing gum and French fries in the paper-only recycling bin outside of your office
— frowning or scowling at colleagues who greet you as you walk across campus
— not erasing the white board at the end of class
— erasing the white board with your tongue at the end of class
— stating or implying that Michel Foucault has had a positive influence on academic discourse
— telling students that the “real Miami University” is in Florida, and that they’d be better off attending school there
— taking the floor at a General Faculty Meeting under the pretense of asking a question, and then proceeding to give a speech about an administrative decision 15 years ago that you’re still angry about
According to Miami U. Police Chief Garrett “Buzz” Saffron, the list of non-criminal offenses will be updated every six months starting in June 2020. As he put it, “people shouldn’t think of this as some ‘Big Brother’ type of policy. What we’re aiming for here is a ‘We Are Family’ vibe — loving but watchful.”
Somewhere, Sister Sledge is smiling.