Crime and Punishment

Students at the University of Virginia have voted to amend the school’s Honor Code.  A two-semester leave of absence will replace expulsion as the sanction for committing an offense (The Cavalier Daily, March 4th online).  

This action reflects the changing landscape of punishment for honor-code violations at colleges and universities across the country.  Here’s a sampling of 10 penalties now being applied at various institutions:

Harvard —  Offenders must engage in a 45-minute conversation with a working-class Cambridge resident to explain the concept of high-end distressed jeans.  (“You see, if they look damaged you can charge more — a lot more.  Why do you still seem confused?”)

Bowdoin College —  Convicted students are required to watch the school’s curling team practice four times a week for a semester, with each session lasting three hours. 

Valparaiso University —  The student’s Netflix subscription is suspended for an entire academic year.

University of Arkansas —  Students found guilty are not allowed to partake of possum-flavored chewing tobacco for a full semester.  This punishment applies to both males and females. 

Georgia Tech —  Code violators view a 12-hour video, “He/She/They/Zorf: Evolving Issues in Gender Pronouns” (a panel discussion featuring faculty members from Wellesley, Smith, and Mount Holyoke).  Students can choose to jump off the school’s 1300-foot bell tower into a pit of Egyptian cobras rather than watch the video.  Most jump. 

University of Miami —  Offenders are banned from using tanning butter for three weeks.  During this period sunburns cannot be treated with aloe or any other soothing product. 

Arizona State University —  Those pleading guilty must speak with a British accent for two months in all campus locations, including bed.  The word “blimey” must be used at least once during every sexual encounter. 

University of California at Berkeley — No avocado toast for a full calendar year. 

University of Oklahoma —  Miscreants are tied, naked, to a satellite dish on the roof of a mobile home during tornado season.   Rakes and kitchen knives are scattered in an adjacent yard. 

Princeton —  Offenders must prepare a comprehensive dictionary that translates the language of New Jersey shoreline residents into English.

You’re still thinking about the pricing of those distressed jeans, aren’t you?