Author: Michael Morris

Yep, it’s true.  Harvard plans to spend $100 million in an attempt to atone for its ties to slavery (Chronicle of Higher Education, April 26th online).  

This is, without question, a big story.  Lost in the fine print, however, is an even bigger one.  Beginning in September, legacy students at Harvard will no longer be served dinner prior to non-legacy students in campus dining halls.  

Since 1950, the offspring of Harvard parents have dined every day at 5:00 pm.  After they finish their meal, cafeteria staff scrape the plates and serve the leftovers to non-legacy students at 7:00 pm.    

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “second-shift diners have complained for decades that this practice makes them feel like second-class citizens.  Our response has always been, ‘just be grateful that you’re at Harvard’.

“We now realize that such an attitude is hurtful.  Non-legacy students are just as deserving as legacy ones, at least when it comes to meals.  Of course, full equality between the two groups may not be desirable in the long run, but some change is clearly called for.  As we like to say in Cambridge, ‘When the firm hand of the ruling class is guided by a benevolent heart, the result is social stability’.”

Inspiring words for these troubled times, to be sure. 

True Fact:  Beginning this semester, students at California State University, Fullerton with a GPA below 2.0 will no longer be put on “academic probation.”  Rather, they will be placed on “academic notice.”  This new wording represents an attempt on the school’s part to lessen the personal stigma associated with poor academic performance (Inside Higher Ed, April 18th).  

The university’s action has prompted schools across the country to review the language they use in communicating with students who are in academic distress.  Here’s a random sample of phrases and sentences that will be dropped in the months to come:

Dartmouth:  “You suck.”

Sweet Briar College:  “Oh, my, it looks like it’s time for a young lady we know to attend to her soiled academic undergarments!”

Massachusetts Institute of Technology:  “Your GPA is circling the drain, and the circles are getting smaller.”

Grinnell College:  “Dear Dopey DoughPersun…”

University of Maine:  “You have been placed on Academic Death Watch.  Beware of a hooded visitor in the night carrying a scythe.”

Florida State University:  “In the bathroom of higher education your exposed academic ass is about to be consumed by a bunch of starving gators climbing out of the toilet.”

Boston University:  “Hey, Brainless….”

Oral Roberts University:  “Welcome to Hell’s staging area.  Yes, it will be indescribably painful.”

U. S. Naval Academy:  “Midshipman, your canoe is taking on the fetid water of failure.”

Lehigh University:  “You are such a disappointment to your family and others who have put their faith in you.”

Let’s be honest:  the time for deleting such offensive language is long overdue.

 

 

 

 

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently reported on a whistleblower’s lawsuit that claims the Business School at Rutgers University “created fake jobs for grads to lift its rankings” (April 8th online).  

In response, Rutgers will publish the following full-page ad in the next issue of the Chronicle:

“Success in the business world requires imagination and creativity.  Telling the truth requires no imagination or creativity.  Anyone can do it.  In fact, telling the truth is often an obstacle to imagination and creativity.

“In the Rutgers MBA program, we’ll teach you how to craft falsehoods with confidence.  The skills you’ll learn in prevarication, deceit, obfuscation, and misdirection will help ensure that your business career will be traveled in the express lane on capitalism’s superhighway, not on the rutted, litter-strewn back roads of truth-telling mediocrity.

“We’re the Rutgers Business School.

“Ranked #1 in fraud by U. S. News & World Report.

“Come lie with us.

“Let’s face it, is there any other reason to spend time in New Jersey?”

Sometimes, you just have to tip your hat and say, “job well done.”

A full-page ad in the April 1st issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education (p. 19) boldly proclaims the accomplishments of SMU.  Nowhere on that page is the full name of the school spelled out: Southern Methodist University.  Clearly, the ad assumes that readers of the Chronicle perceive Southern Methodist University as the SMU.

Hold on there just a minute, buckaroos.

How about Saint Mary’s University in Winona, Minnesota?  Or Saint Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia?  Or Singapore Management University in….um….Singapore?  Have you considered Sikkim Manipal University in Gangtok, India?  Of course, there’s Shanghai Maritime University in China.  And let’s not forget Svenska Missionskyrkans Ungdom, a prominent Christian Youth Organization in Sweden.

R. Gerald Turner, President of Southern Methodist University, makes no apologies for the assumption:  “We’re the only SMU that matters.  Our endowment is over $2 billion, and our football team would crush a team from any of those other schools.  Hell, we’d take on TWO of their teams at the same time — 22 versus 11 — and still obliterate them.  And don’t get me started on that unpronounceable Scandinavian youth group.  Playing them would be like driving a road paver over a box of Swedish Fish gummies.  All that would be left is a stain on the asphalt.”

A bit callous, perhaps, but probably correct.  

The first Ph.D. dissertation exploring the significance of the incident involving Chris Rock and Will Smith at the 2022 Academy Awards was published yesterday by Oxford University Press.  Written by Caleb Kurf, a doctoral student in Sociology at New York University, the dissertation argues that the Rock/Smith interaction represented not a conflict, but a fraternal bonding, between the two men.  

Entitled “A Slap is NOT a Punch: Contextualizing the Resistance of the Black Elite to White Colonialism in the Film Industry,” the work shows that Smith’s use of his open hand to strike Rock signaled that the former was “reaching out in solidarity to a brother.  Exposing one’s palm is a universal sign of vulnerability, not hostility or aggression.  The subtext of the interaction was the long-suppressed outrage that both parties felt toward the negative reviews received by The Karate Kid, a 2010 remake starring Jaden Smith, Will’s son.  The slap symbolized the abuse that Jaden had suffered at the hands of clueless movie critics.”

“We fast-tracked Caleb’s dissertation for approval, given the importance of the subject matter,” says NYU Sociology Department Chair Wendell Levitt-Nissan.  “He researched and wrote his analysis on Sunday night following the Awards broadcast, and defended the dissertation before a faculty committee on Tuesday afternoon.  He signed a contract with Oxford University Press on Tuesday night, and a monograph based on the work was published on Thursday.  A book signing will be held at the 82nd and Broadway location of Barnes & Noble in Manhattan on Saturday from 1 to 3 pm.  Kendrick Lamar will perform ‘Jaden’s Song,’ his latest release, at 2:30.  The after-party will be held from 4 to 7 at the home of Bill de Blasio, former mayor of New York City.” 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently explored the growing presence of Emotional-Support Animals (ESAs) on college campuses around the country (March 17th online).  These animals provide individuals with comfort or aid through companionship, unconditional positive regard, and affection.  

Now, at Sweet Briar College, a women’s school in Virginia, an ESA scandal has erupted.  On March 23rd, 18 students were suspended for disguising their live-in boyfriends (in 3 cases, girlfriends) as emotional-support dogs in their dorm rooms. 

The ruse was discovered by a member of the housecleaning staff who noticed that the support dogs appeared to be “a lot bigger than any damned dogs I had ever laid eyes on.”  The staff member alerted her supervisor, who informed campus police.  The ensuing investigation uncovered the fraud.  

The support-dog impostors, who were all arrested, included Griffin Hurf, a 340-lb. defensive lineman on the Amherst County High School football team.  He was taken into custody wearing a Scooby Doo costume.

The suspended Sweet Briar students were defiant.  “I’m a healthy young woman, and I have the desires of a healthy young woman,” proclaimed Poinsettia Van Tillotsen, a junior from Lexington, Kentucky.  “I’m majoring in Mechanical Engineering, which is an extremely demanding field.  When I return to my room at the end of a long, stressful day I need a lot more than a cup of chamomile tea and a macaroon to relax.  I need my hunka, hunka burnin’ love.  Is that so hard to understand?”

Sweet Briar officials say the matter is now closed; they do not plan to comment further.  

Lyle Krusker, assistant professor of chemistry at Syracuse University, was not optimistic about being promoted to associate professor this year.  Yes, he was a respected researcher, and student evaluations of his teaching were positive, but his record of “service to the university” was sketchy.  In the past four years he had only served on one faculty committee, a sleepy little task force responsible for choosing the food trucks that would engorge tailgaters at homecoming.  

Enter Quentin Weft, and his terrifying encounter in early December with a stale breadstick at the Wednesday night Olive Garden Festival in the dining commons.  A sophomore, Quentin literally bit off more than he could chew, and started choking.  Dr. Krusker noticed the emergency and rushed over to administer the Heimlich maneuver to Quentin, saving his life.

When Syracuse’s Tenure and Promotion Committee reviewed Krusker’s application in mid-January, they concluded that this intervention provided credible evidence of his service to the university.  He was awarded tenure and promoted.  As one Committee member put it, “hey, the guy came through in a life-and-death situation involving a tuition-paying student.  Service doesn’t get any more meaningful than that.”

Since then, tenure and promotion committees across the country have started considering the Heimlich maneuver when making decisions.  Of course, certain conditions must be met.  For one thing, only on-campus incidents typically count.  As the Provost of Connecticut College recently observed, “we’re talking about service to the college here.  Saving a random person’s life in a downtown New London restaurant, or on the sidewalk, doesn’t qualify.” 

Moreover, the life-saving attempt must be successful.  A department chair at Fordham University notes that “one of our associate professors failed to dislodge an oversized peach pit from the throat of a freshman, though she tried mightily.  She ended up not getting tenure, and that was the reason.  We’re a performance-based institution.  I don’t mean to be cynical, but Marge would have been better off serving a term or two on the Faculty Senate.  It’s a real shame.”

Unintended consequences have also begun to emerge.   At the College of Charleston, an assistant professor was arrested three weeks ago at the cafeteria’s buffet bar as he attempted to hide chicken bones in the Cobb salad.  And at Lehigh University, a choking undergraduate died as two desperate tenure candidates fought over who was going to give him the Heimlich.  A campus police officer was present at the scene, but wasn’t sure if he had the authority to intervene, given that the academic domains of tenure and promotion were involved.  “We’re going to work with the Provost’s office to develop a policy on how to handle these situations in the future,” said the chief of campus police.  “This incident was embarrassing for everybody, and the student’s parents were not thrilled, as you might imagine.”

The lesson here for higher education administrators?  If you don’t currently have clear guidelines in place for the Heimlich/T&P/Campus Police interface, it’s time to get busy.  

 

Students at the University of Virginia have voted to amend the school’s Honor Code.  A two-semester leave of absence will replace expulsion as the sanction for committing an offense (The Cavalier Daily, March 4th online).  

This action reflects the changing landscape of punishment for honor-code violations at colleges and universities across the country.  Here’s a sampling of 10 penalties now being applied at various institutions:

Harvard —  Offenders must engage in a 45-minute conversation with a working-class Cambridge resident to explain the concept of high-end distressed jeans.  (“You see, if they look damaged you can charge more — a lot more.  Why do you still seem confused?”)

Bowdoin College —  Convicted students are required to watch the school’s curling team practice four times a week for a semester, with each session lasting three hours. 

Valparaiso University —  The student’s Netflix subscription is suspended for an entire academic year.

University of Arkansas —  Students found guilty are not allowed to partake of possum-flavored chewing tobacco for a full semester.  This punishment applies to both males and females. 

Georgia Tech —  Code violators view a 12-hour video, “He/She/They/Zorf: Evolving Issues in Gender Pronouns” (a panel discussion featuring faculty members from Wellesley, Smith, and Mount Holyoke).  Students can choose to jump off the school’s 1300-foot bell tower into a pit of Egyptian cobras rather than watch the video.  Most jump. 

University of Miami —  Offenders are banned from using tanning butter for three weeks.  During this period sunburns cannot be treated with aloe or any other soothing product. 

Arizona State University —  Those pleading guilty must speak with a British accent for two months in all campus locations, including bed.  The word “blimey” must be used at least once during every sexual encounter. 

University of California at Berkeley — No avocado toast for a full calendar year. 

University of Oklahoma —  Miscreants are tied, naked, to a satellite dish on the roof of a mobile home during tornado season.   Rakes and kitchen knives are scattered in an adjacent yard. 

Princeton —  Offenders must prepare a comprehensive dictionary that translates the language of New Jersey shoreline residents into English.

You’re still thinking about the pricing of those distressed jeans, aren’t you?

 

The Subject line of a recent “Teaching” column in the Chronicle of Higher Education reads, “How to Help Students Listen for the Key Idea” (February 17th online). 

Uh-oh.

The problem here is the implication that every lecture contains a key idea.

Most professors, even those at elite schools, are lucky if they are blessed with a key idea once or twice during an entire semester.  The notion that they would have such an idea to share with students at every class meeting is pretty funny.  Indeed, the core challenge in college teaching is how to handle the fact that the vast majority of class sessions contain NO key idea.

Here are five proven strategies that experienced faculty members routinely use in this situation: 

Turn the Tables — Place the burden on the student to discover whether a key idea is embedded in your lecture.  Emphasize that one of the critical cognitive skills to be developed in college is the ability to determine if something is present or absent.  Tell them that there might be a key idea in your lecture today, or there might not be.  It’s their job to figure out which is the case.  If they identify a key idea when none is present, express your disappointment and hurt.  This will make them defensive, which is good for learning.  

Be Transparent —  Acknowledge up-front that there will be no key idea communicated in class today.  Come clean by informing students that your lecture will basically consist of a lot of random crap strung together by several amusing anecdotes.  Students will appreciate your honesty, and you’ll sleep better.  

Go Postmodern —  Share with students your aggressive critique of the meritocratic, objectivist, bankrupt notion that some ideas are more “key” than others.  That’s just bullshit.  Who’s to say that the observation, “there is chewing gum stuck to the sole of my shoe,” is more or less key than the assertion, “Claude Monet was a founder of Impressionist painting”?  Context is everything.  

Pick an Idea.  ANY Idea. —  Before class, spread out a hard copy of your lecture notes on the kitchen table.  Close your eyes and place your forefinger on a random sentence.  That sentence will be your key idea for the day.  During class, say it louder than any other sentence.  You might wonder, “Doesn’t it make a difference which sentence I choose?”  No, it doesn’t.  When you walk into the classroom and gaze at those heavy-lidded eyes that are struggling to keep you in focus, you’ll know that.  

Turn the Tables II —  Impress upon students the following eternal truth: everything you say in class is key.  Every.  Single.  Utterance.  This was the preferred strategy of professors in the 1950s, and it served them well.  It’s the strategic gift that keeps on giving, as students develop obsessive-compulsive tendencies for note-taking that generalize to many other spheres of their lives.  These neurotic habits will be passed on to their children, ensuring your legacy as a professor “who made a difference” for generations to come.

Now that’s a key idea worth remembering.  

 

True Fact:  In early February, 38 Harvard faculty members signed a letter criticizing the school’s misconduct-focused investigation of  John Comaroff, a professor of anthropology.  A week later, 34 of those signers wrote a second letter, retracting their support for the original letter.  They said that they had “failed to appreciate the impact” that their first letter would have (Harvard Crimson, February 10th online).  

This embarrassing episode proved to be just too much for Ina Howard-Hogan, First Justice of the Cambridge District Court in Massachusetts.  She has ordered Harvard to suspend all 34 retractors, “until such time that every one of them has taken either the SAT or ACT to demonstrate that they’re smart enough to remain at Harvard.”

According to Judge Howard-Hogan, “Harvard prides itself on being the pinnacle of the meritocracy.  Well, if you’re the smartest of the smart, how in the hell could you not anticipate the significant negative impact that your original letter would have?  Perhaps you’re all suffering from early-onset something or other, I don’t know.  But Harvard has a quality brand that it must protect, and you dunderheads have seriously threatened that brand.  Now you need to show that you still have the intellectual wherewithal to rock your ivy-draped La-Z-Boys in a bastion of unparalleled privilege.  For the love of God, you’re at Harvard, not the University of Phoenix or Dartmouth.”

As of February 24th, 31 of the 34 retractors indicated that they would comply with the judge’s order.  The remaining 3, claiming that they perform poorly on standardized tests, have requested permission to submit portfolios of their work that include non-rhyming poetry and supportive letters from neighbors.