Colleges and universities across the nation were stunned yesterday when it was announced that consulting firms to higher education will soon be classified as Level I PARASITES — and a threat to public health — by the Centers for Disease Control.
According to CDC Director Rochelle Walensky, “we did not make this decision lightly, but we had no choice. A parasite is an organism that lives in or on a host organism and obtains its nutrients at the expense of the host. This is precisely what higher education consulting firms do. They most closely resemble arthropods such as ticks, fleas, and lice, burrowing deep into the moist, fetid, germ-friendly crevices of a school’s organizational infrastructure for long periods of time, sucking out the institution’s discretionary financial resources.
“What do colleges and universities get in return? Generic diagnoses that are laughably primitive (‘Trust is low, communication is poor, silos are high’) and recommendations for change that are stupefyingly simplistic (‘Build trust, communicate better, use action verbs, HAVE A RETREAT!’).
“And don’t get me started on firms that specialize in diversity training. Dammit, there goes my acid reflux again!
“By the time a consulting firm is finished, all that’s left is an organizational husk — conference rooms filled with cynics, jargon-numbed zombies, and whiteboards hemorrhaging buzzwords (SYNERGY!) drawn with multi-colored dry-erase markers. Behold the afterbirth of a newborn Vision Statement that puts an emphasis on ‘THE FUTURE’! Crap, I just threw up on my blouse.
“Once we get COVID under control, we’re going to take on these insidious ectoparasites. Pfizer is working on both oral and anal vaccines for college presidents and provosts. This is a battle we can’t afford to lose.”