William McRaven, former chancellor of the University of Texas system, claims that leading an academic institution is “the toughest job in the nation.”
Just for the record, Mr. McRaven has never worked the night shift at a chicken processing plant in Arkansas.
It didn’t take long for life to get interesting at Johns Hopkins University after the Maryland General Assembly recently approved a bill that allows the school to create its own armed police force.
Just two days later, JHU President Ronald Daniels announced the hiring of Avery “Screaming Falcon” Bondine, a 7th-generation West Point graduate who had led a U.S. battalion into Iraq during Operation Desert Storm in 1991. The retired lieutenant general quickly recruited nearly 100 men and women with military experience (over 80% of whom had received honorable discharges) and began patrolling the school’s Baltimore campus, employing a trio of decommissioned Abrams Battle Tanks.
His buzz-cut reflecting the morning sunlight, Chief Bondine told a University Life reporter that “when you combine our tank hardware with the firepower of a half-dozen shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and a few surface-to-air missiles, you’ve got the makings of a kick-ass security force. This campus is going to be safer than a baby kangaroo in its mother’s pouch in a panic room with padded walls. Hell, you’ll be able to leave a newborn child out in the middle of the Hopkins quad all night, alone, asleep in a crib overflowing with hundred-dollar bills and crack cocaine. Nobody’s gonna come near ’em.”
As Bondine spoke, he noticed an adjunct instructor parking his car in a space reserved for tenure-track faculty members. After the instructor left the vehicle, the Chief used his index finger to silently signal an officer across the parking lot. The officer proceeded to fire his rocket launcher, dispatching the 1996 Toyota Tercel in a spectacular ball of flames that was at least three stories high.
Bondine chuckled. “Pretty soon we won’t have to worry any more about some self-absorbed pissant with a PhD parking where he shouldn’t. Hey, young lady, would you like a pinch of Skoal Wintergreen? You look a little pale.”
Miscreants and low-lifes, take notice. The Johns Hopkins campus is no longer your playpen.
A recent Bloomberg headline observes that “Notre Dame and Baylor Admit More Legacies than Harvard and Yale.” Specifically, 22% of Notre Dame’s freshman class this year are children of alumni, while the corresponding figure for Baylor is 32%.
What do these two schools have in common, you ask?
GOD.
Notre Dame is a Catholic institution, while Baylor is Baptist. According to Notre Dame President John Jenkins, the application folders of all its legacy students are forwarded to the Vatican, where Pope Francis makes the decision. “He looks most favorably upon applicants whose parents waited until they were married to have sex,” says Jenkins. When University Life asked how the Pope would have knowledge of such personal information, the President’s response was immediate and forceful. “Francis is the POPE, for Pete’s sake! Doesn’t the word ‘infallible’ mean anything to you? He never gets stuff like this wrong. Also, the application form requires parents to answer a battery of questions on their ‘intimacy history’. Duh!”
At Baylor they eliminate the middleman and go straight to the Almighty for guidance. As President Linda Livingstone put it, “Baptists don’t recognize the Pope, and I mean that literally. Hell, if Francis showed up in Waco at Jasper’s Bar-B-Que on a Saturday night drinking Dr Pepper and wearing a 10-gallon papal mitre, nobody would recognize him.
“We deal directly with the Holy Ghost, who has more free time than either God the Father or the Son for reviewing folders in December, when our flow of applications is heaviest. Jesus tends to be really overcommitted during the Christmas season, making personal appearances at congregations all over the country. As we like to say in Texas, ‘He’s busier than a teen-age horned toad during mating season!'”
The Presidents agree that their high legacy-admission rates reflect their faiths’ deep commitment to family. In the words of President Livingstone, “When you accept the child of parents who respect and fear the Lord, you know that you’re going to have those folks in your corner the next time a sex scandal hits your school. And you can bet the farm that there will be a next time. So, it’s sort of like taking out an insurance policy with God.”
Amen, Sister.
After an investigation revealed that a professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City “compelled his students to act as his personal servants” (no joke), he resigned before he could be fired. In response, schools around the country have been clarifying their policies concerning the tasks that faculty members can, and CANNOT, ask their graduate assistants to perform. Leading the way is Boston University, which published its first “OK/Not OK” list on March 21st. According to Associate Provost and Dean of Students Galen Hedgerow, it is a work in progress and will be updated periodically.
Here’s what the list contains so far:
OK: Babysitting your kids
Not OK: Serving as a wet nurse
OK: Walking your dog
Not OK: Manually de-worming your dog
OK: Picking up your kids at school
Not OK: Explaining to the kids on the way home that “mommy and daddy have decided not to live together any more, but it’s not your fault”
OK: Watering your lawn
Not OK: Repaving your driveway
OK: Picking up your dry cleaning
Not OK: Stealing containers of tetrachloroethylene from the dry cleaners so you can marinate your marijuana before rolling a joint and lighting up (What….a….RUSH!)
OK: Showing you how to program a DVR to record Red Sox games
Not OK: Wearing nothing but red socks while performing in a home video you’re directing entitled “The Naughty, Naughty Batboy”
Thank you, BU. It’s all about respecting boundaries.
A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “The Merits of the Very, Very Short Course” noted that “some subjects can’t fill a full semester but can still teach valuable skills and information.” Hence, schools like the University of Nebraska at Lincoln are developing one-credit “pop-up” courses for their students.
For the curious among you, here’s a sampling of pop-ups being offered around the country in Spring 2019:
— Rice University ARTS 214: The Soap Dish Throughout History — A whirlwind tour of the evolution of the soap dish, which debuted in country houses in 15th-century France as a small platter for guests to discard used strands of dental floss. Students who complete the course receive a Holiday Inn lavender-scented pumice bar.
— Canisius College CHEM 361: Soda Wars — A brief but intensive review of Coke vs. Pepsi, Mountain Dew vs. Mello Yello, Dr Pepper vs. Pibb Xtra, Fanta Orange vs. Orange Crush, and Sprite vs. Sierra Mist vs. 7 Up. Trigger Warning: Students will see their urine change colors during the 3-hour final exam.
— The University of Oregon SOC 434: Who’s More Evil: Kevin Spacey or Louis C. K.? — This course involves group work in the form of team-oriented debates. Prerequisites: SOC 431, 432, 433 (Contemporary Outrage 1, 2, and 3).
— College of Charleston PSYC 288: Why Am I Blue? — Students explore their childhood psycho-history to discover why their favorite color is their favorite color. Some trauma may occur. Be prepared to hate one or both of your parents.
— Boston University PHIL 119: Thinking vs. Feeling — Students determine which mode of being is a better fit for their individual life-journey. (Also offered in an Experiential Honors section that requires extensive drug use. Must obtain permission to enroll from one’s roommate.)
— Reed College HIST 362: Sipping and Culture — An examination of the role of straws in civilization from ancient times to the present, with an emphasis on current controversies surrounding the danger that plastic straws pose to low-IQ marine life. Students will interview sea turtles.
Let’s just say it out loud: The Golden Age of Higher Education has arrived!
According to The Chronicle of Higher Education, the University of Massachusetts system will soon be diving into the deep end of the electronic pool, as it “plans to create a national online college to compete with the so-called mega-universities.”
But how will UMASS carve out a distinctive niche within this increasingly competitive marketplace?
The answer? In a word: SMELL.
Here is UMASS President Martin Meehan, who was recently interviewed by University Life:
“In sensory terms, online education has traditionally been a pretty sterile experience. Basically, you stare at a computer screen for however long it takes to complete a course.
“Not with our program. When online students log on to our website, they will immediately be enveloped by the fresh, delightful aroma of the Berkshires in springtime. The myriad scents of the trees and flowers native to the region will be disseminated through their device’s speaker vents. We’re talking about species like the Speckled Alder, Wild Lupine, Large-Flowered Bellwort, Washington Hawthorne, and the Hackberry. This will put students in a mood that is conducive to learning. They will excel.
“And we are developing tantalizing smells for every course: ‘Dusty Library Shelves’ for 19th-Century British Literature, ‘Chanel No. 5’ for Intermediate French, ‘Boiled Potatoes’ for Russian History, ‘Popcorn’ for Superhero Cinema, stuff like that.
“We haven’t decided what to do with Math courses; pocket protectors and hand calculators don’t have a particular odor. But we’re working on it. Theology courses also present a problem, because we don’t know what God smells like. We might just go with frankincense and myrrh; it was good enough for the Magi.”
University Life predicts that the course on Urban Sewage Treatment will probably pose the biggest challenge. But who knows? Maybe your poop just smells better in the Berkshires.
In the world of higher education, the Happy-Hour query “What’s your sign?” has been replaced by “What’s your niche?” For instance, in a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article entitled “Small Christian Colleges Seek Niches to Be Competitive,” the author notes that “faith-based colleges [now] look for ways to set themselves apart from one another while staying true to their religious missions.” Unfortunately, the article overlooks three of the most intriguing examples of this phenomenon. Consider the following:
— At Our Lady of the Screeching Willows College in Kanawha, Iowa, students can major in Divine Imaging (DI). Undergraduates learn how to discern and identify images of saints hidden in the surrounding environment — for example, the face of the Virgin Mary in a Low-Sodium Ritz cracker…..St. Augustine’s profile in a muddy footprint in a pasture parking lot on Hog-Rasslin’ Day at the state fair…..or the glowing visage of Joan of Arc at the bottom of a Weber charcoal grill’s porcelain bowl.
According to Provost Dexter Slanz, “DI graduates are in high demand for jobs in the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security. If there’s something to be found, our students will find it. Even if there’s nothing to be found, our students will find it.”
— Flaming Tabernacle Christian College, in Kerrville, Texas, is the only school in the U.S. that offers a Transubstantiation major. Chemistry Professor Daphne Yurt, program advisor, beams when talking about her students. “Our graduates can not only turn water into wine, they can turn it into Mountain Dew or sweet tea. They can make kale chips out of wool socks, and transform armadillo roadkill into chicken nuggets for KFC, one of our corporate partners. And don’t get me started on what they can do with a standard-issue communion wafer. You want it turned into a seedless watermelon? Done. A Bruno Mars CD? No problem. This the best major ever!
— Finally, students can major in Holy Ghost Dove Breeding (HGDB) at Nite-Lite of the Lord Veterinary College in Newport News, Virginia. Nite-Lite’s President, the Reverend Delfin Quince, observes that “our HGDB majors aren’t raising ordinary birds. They infuse every one of these creatures with the ineffable spirit of the Holy Ghost. We sell our Nite-Lite Doves for about $3500 each. Congregations around the world are clamoring for them, because they guarantee eternal life. Of course, all bets are off if a feral cat possessed by Satan sneaks into the parish bird house the night before the annual Dove-O-Mania Procession and Fish Fry. Goddammit, I hate those cats!”
Amen, Reverend. Amen.
If you thought all curriculum innovation in the Ivy League was birthed at Harvard, think again. In a press conference on Monday, Princeton University President Christopher Eisgruber announced that in September 2019 the University would initiate its Princeton-Plus program for a select group of incoming students.
What is Princeton-Plus? According to President Eisgruber, it’s nothing short of an “educational revolution.” Here’s the story, in his words:
“At Princeton we’ve been educating the ruling class for nearly three centuries, and doing an excellent job of it. However, there is a problem. We take pride in our high academic standards, but many children from elite families are, to put it bluntly, irredeemably stupid. I’m talking rock-hard dumb — as solid and impenetrable as topaz. These kids are way too dim to be accepted as legacy students; they would flunk out in the first semester. Sure, we could let them go to Rutgers, but it would be unconscionable to forfeit all the endowment money that these students potentially represent. Don’t forget, their parents are BEYOND loaded.
“With Princeton-Plus, the cognitively challenged offspring of the super-rich can get a Princeton degree without having to take a bunch of pesky classes. In fact, they won’t be taking ANY classes. Rather, they’ll spend four years doing the most important thing that Princeton students have always done: NETWORKING with other members of the privileged class. In this case, they will be networking with individuals who are a lot brighter than they are.
“Each year of Princeton-Plus will have a different focus. Freshmen will explore the World of Finance (e.g., daily badminton and croquet matches with successful hedge-fund managers, venture capitalists, high-end defense contractors, and pharmaceutical CEOs). Sophomore year will focus on Connecting with Old Money (Rockefellers, Vanderbilts, Carnegies, the House of Medici, etc.). This will be followed by Junior Year Abroad (current locations include Windsor Castle, Versailles, the Vatican, and the Motel 6 in Dubai). In their fourth year students will finalize the membership of their personal support network as a capstone project. At the Spring Cotillion in May, each senior will be presented with a life partner whose high-quality eggs or sperm will ensure the intellectual enhancement of the next generation.
“By the time students graduate from Princeton-Plus, they should be well-positioned to take their place alongside students who have received a traditional Princeton education.
“Tuition for Princeton-Plus will be $3 million per year, which includes room, board, all networking opportunities, and one life partner. This is a small price for parents to pay to achieve the goal of never having to worry about the future of their dimwitted progeny once the latter are sent off to college. In many ways, we see this program as a public service.
“If Princeton-Plus is successful, we will begin offering the program to our cognitively gifted applicants in September 2025. By 2050 we would like Princeton-Plus to be the curriculum followed by all of our students, thereby eliminating the need for faculty. Doing this would significantly reduce our operating expenses, enabling us to invest more heavily in networking, which is our core competency.”
Harvard and Yale, are you listening?
It was a simpler time. When I began teaching in the mid-1970s, if a snowstorm hit, you just turned on the radio around 6:00 am to get the scoop. Your school was either open, closed, or delayed for a few hours. Of course, it was annoying if you tuned in right after the announcer had passed your institution on the alphabetized Rolodex. In that case, you might have to listen to the DJ play “Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band for the umpteenth time, followed by yet another commercial for Preparation H, before the list was repeated. Overall, though, the system worked reasonably well.
Welcome to 2019. Now, before the first flake touches down, a university email blusters into your inbox with a message as complex and litigation-proof as the battle plan for Operation Desert Storm. For example:
TO: The University Community
FROM: Campus Police
A wintry mix is expected in our area from 2:00 am to 5:30 am, accumulating less than 3 inches. The University will be open tomorrow and classes will be held, but please note the following:
— Students residing on campus who do not own appropriate footwear for icy conditions will not be required to attend class. (See the Student Handbook for definitions of “appropriate footwear” and “icy conditions” approved by our legal counsel). These students must provide proof to their instructor that they lack such footwear (e.g., a note from their shoe retailer or podiatrist).
— Commuting students who live within 10 miles of campus will be excused from class if their car has at least 2 bald tires — OR a total of only 3 tires, regardless of baldness.
— Commuters who reside more than 10 miles away will not be required to attend class if they live at the top of a steep driveway (45-degree angle or greater) and don’t have sand or salt to apply to said driveway.
— Tenured and tenure-track faculty members are encouraged to meet their assigned classes, but if they prefer not to, they may utilize the Adjunct Faculty Directory to select a substitute. Adjunct instructors who decline a substitution request will forfeit their shared office space for one semester as well as access to dry-erase markers for the same period.
— Students who miss a test due to this weather event are entitled to take an oral make-up exam over the phone within a week of the event. Administration of the exam is governed by the policy outlined in the preceding bullet.
— If weather conditions deteriorate while class is in session, the instructor may NOT slap students who nervously peer out the window for the duration of his or her lecture. The instructor SHALL drive home any and all commuting students who are reluctant to operate their own vehicle. The instructor’s mileage costs will be reimbursed by the University (obtain Travel Expense Form 471J, Version 5.2 from the Business Office).
In fairness, not all schools use the approach described above. At the University of Northern Minnesota in Littlefork, here’s the email that students and faculty receive:
TO: The Men and Women of UNM
FROM: Campus Permafrost Patrol
We expect 3 more feet of snow this evening. If you die overnight, feel free to skip class tomorrow. Otherwise, you damn well better show up.
Sounds good to us. All it lacks is a link to “Get Down Tonight.”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened in the ferociously competitive, tooth-and-claw world of textbook publishing. On February 1st, W. W. Norton and Company released, with great fanfare, the 8th edition of Psychology: The Science of You, only to discover that the 7th edition of this perennial best-seller was not due to be published until August 2019.
How in the name of ISBN did this fiasco take place?
To find out, University Life sat down with Chad Kwarkel, Senior Psychology Editor at Norton. His comments:
“Heh-heh, this is what you get when you have multiple production teams working with a single author and you take two weeks off to go on a sweat-lodge vacation in Tibet. (Look at my pores, by the way. Have you ever seen anything like it? Here, wipe my forearm with this tissue. Absolutely no oily residue, and I haven’t showered in a week. You could run me through a full-body MRI scan and not find a single blackhead. Amazing!)
“In any event, the two teams got out of sync when they failed to communicate with one another while I was gone. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but it’s only a big deal if you’re a slave to linear thinking. They’re only numbers, right? Who’s to say that 7 should always precede 8? That may be your truth, but it’s not necessarily mine!
“As long as you’re here, let me tell you how the 8th edition differs in important ways from the 6th edition, which came out in 2017. First off, there’s the price. The 8th edition retails for $189, while the 6th was $155. And we’ve added a new Research Highlight box on page 224, examining the impact of sexual orientation on one’s preference for tomato-based vs. mustard-based BBQ sauce in pulled-pork sandwiches. Spoiler alert: There is none!
“On page 431, in the chapter on group dynamics, we replaced a photo with 6 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table with a photo of 7 smiling young professionals sitting around a conference table. That way, we could include someone from Portugal in native dress. We’re all about diversity at Norton. And in the physiological chapter featuring the five senses, we’ve added a scratch-and-sniff panel that smells like wet dog fur.
“The 8th edition no longer discusses the work of Freud or B. F. Skinner, because they’ve been dead since, like, forever. Also, you’ll find that all key psychological terms are printed in BOLD CAPS and defined along the side margin of the page, as well as in the top and bottom margins of the same page. So, a student now has three chances to learn what the word means, even if they skip the paragraph in the text in which the word appears.
“A Q-tip in a plastic pouch is attached inside the book’s back cover. It can be used to take a saliva sample that the student can submit to Ancestry.com to obtain his or her psychological profile. Ancestry.com is now one of our corporate partners.
“Finally, the cover of the book is composed of textured rubber, which allows for easier gripping if you’re reading a chapter while eating buffalo wings — a suggestion offered by one of our student focus groups.
“Guys, this is just the beginning. Wait until you see what we’re putting together for the 9th edition in 2020.”
Wow. Bring on the blue cheese dip!
