“Get Her Out of the Car! Get Her Out of the Car!”

Like passing motorists gawking at the fiery aftermath of a spectacular car crash, higher education pundits can’t seem to look away from the dumpster fire that was ignited last week when the Presidents of Harvard, MIT, and Penn testified before a Congressional committee.  If you close your eyes, you can still smell the burning tires.

Explanations abound for the Presidents’ failure to “read the room” as they answered the Committee’s questions.  Emerging from all this analysis are three factors that appear to have played a key role in severing the link between the brains and the mouths of these distinguished educators.

GRADE INFLATION:  Everyone knows that grade inflation is a serious problem on college campuses.  How could it not have contributed to this disaster?  A New York Times investigation reveals that all three Presidents believe that their IQs are at least 22 points higher than they actually are.  

STEFANIK DEVIL STARE:  New York Representative Elise Stefanik came out of the closet several years ago as a “Senior Succubus” in the Hudson River Valley Coven of Satan.  She regularly uses direct eye contact with her victims (people, pigeons, dogs, snails) to make them do her bidding.  Videos of the Congressional hearing clearly indicate that the pupils of Ms. Stefanik’s eyes shone bright red as she interacted with the Presidents. 

After commenting “one down, two to go” when the President of Penn resigned, Stefanik whispered to Marjorie Taylor Greene, “I will drink the blood of those other two b****es before the next full moon!”

CONTEXTUALITIS:  This is a chronic brain disorder — a COVID variant — that primarily afflicts the political left.  It renders individuals incapable of holding people accountable for their actions because of the need to consider context.  This is the major reason that liberals are five times more likely to die from spider bites than conservatives.  Victims of Contextualitis only see the elaborate web; they never notice the spider.  

Major takeaways from this embarrassing episode for college presidents:

— You’re not as smart as you think.

— Never look directly at a Republican when answering a question in public.

— Webs don’t build themselves.