“As we embark upon the Holiday Season, it’s an honor to write to you in my capacity as President of Ticonderoga Southern University, highlighting the major events of the past 12 months on our beautiful campus. Let’s get started, shall we?”
January: “We bid a fond farewell to the English Department and its faculty. With the elimination of all writing assignments at TSU in the fall of 2023 due to ChatGPT, there was simply no need to keep these folks around. Laughter and tears filled the room at the goodbye luncheon held at Applebee’s in the Pioneer Mall at the end of the month.”
February: “As a result of NIL payments, TSU became the first university in the country where every student-athlete on the football team made more money than our highest-paid tenured professor. Kudos to our Development Office!”
March: “A student riot erupted on campus when Health Services ran out of green condoms on St. Patrick’s Day. Order was restored quickly by a National Guard SWAT team. Four students suffered minor injuries.”
April: “The Faculty Senate responded to complaints about grade inflation by establishing the grade of A++ (A Plus Plus), reserved for work judged to be ‘truly extraordinary’. The Senate stipulated that no more than 40% of the students in any given course could be awarded a final grade of A++. At TSU, we’re all about standards.”
May: “A 10-day hunger strike by professors ended when the campus food service agreed to restore vegan turnip smoothies to the luncheon menu in the faculty dining room. During the strike, an Assistant Professor of Sociology protested by taking a knee on the campus quadrangle and impaling herself on a frozen Slim Jim. A tree has been planted on that spot by the Dietetics Department to memorialize her sacrifice.”
June: “In recognition of the official closing of the DEI office, the University celebrated the return of Microaggression Day, when you can say anything to anybody.”
July: “TSU announced that, in fall 2024, 100% of its football team would be composed of players who arrived via the transport portal. It turned out that a few of those players were college students.”
August: “The school’s first indoor pickleball court was opened in the office space previously occupied by the English Department. Terminated members of the Department play for free.”
September: “The University held its first-ever Whiter-than-White Weekend, recognizing the achievements of pale people over the centuries. The Ozzie and Harriet Award for Distinguished Service was presented to the Drama Club, which….”
October: “….staged an all-Irish version of Porgy and Bess on Columbus Day, starring sophomore Erin O’Malley as Bess.”
November: “Another riot, this time at a faculty symposium sponsored by the Divinity School and moderated by the Director of Athletics. The topic: ‘Baby Jesus: Son of God? Simply a Good Kid? Or Talented Water-into-Wine Magician?’ 50 violent demonstrators were arrested, including my wife.”
December: “Nine months after the March Condom Riot, 34 TSU co-eds gave birth in a makeshift maternity ward on the school’s pickleball court. Deliveries were facilitated by student interns from the Dental Hygiene program, who checked the newborns for cavities.”
“On behalf of everyone in the TSU administration, I’d like to wish you a restful and revitalizing semester break. If you think you might be related to any of the pickleball babies, please pick them up before heading out for the holidays. We’re turning off the heat in that building from December 24th to January 2nd.”
Sincerely,
Grayson Taymor-Pindage
President