In recent months, U.S. News & World Report has been taking more body blows than Michael B. Jordan in Creed III, as one high-profile school after another refuses to participate in the magazine’s annual college and university rankings.
On Wednesday, however, the Report bounced off the ropes and landed a punch of its own, unveiling a new dimension that will, in the words of company CEO Eric Gertler, “help ensure the validity of our college prestige rankings for decades to come.”
Dubbed “G-7,“ it measures the grandeur of a school’s inauguration ceremony for a new president or chancellor.
A college or university’s G-7 score will incorporate the following components:
INAUGURATION VENUE
100 pts.: Cathedral (at least 300 years old)
50 pts.: Cathedral (less than 300 years old)
5 pts.: Anywhere else
WHO ATTENDS THE INAUGURATION IN AN OFFICIAL CAPACITY?
100 pts.: Monarchs, Potentates, Prime Ministers, Overlords, etc.
90 pts.: Nobel Prize winners in STEM fields
85 pts.: Neil deGrasse Tyson
80 pts.: George Clooney
75 pts.: Football coaches from the Southeastern Conference (SEC)
70 pts.: College and university presidents with a Ph.D.
65 pts.: College and university presidents without a Ph.D.
60 pts.: Head of the faculty union (not wearing a protest sign)
50 pts.: Chair of the Core Curriculum Committee
45 pts.: Emeritus professors (cognitively intact)
40 pts.: Emeritus professors (not quite cognitively intact)
35 pts.: Student government presidents with at least a 2.75 GPA
30 pts.: Adjunct faculty with a minimum of 30 teaching credits
25 pts.: Live poultry from a neighboring institution’s School of Agriculture (must be wearing ceremonial robes)
15 pts.: A bucket of KFC donated by a local franchisee
-10 pts.: Head of the faculty union (wearing a protest sign)
INAUGURAL MUSIC
100 pts.: Symphony composed by John Williams especially for the event
75 pts.: Barry Manilow medley performed by the school’s marching band
50 pts.: Star-Spangled Banner sung by a sophomore Music major with a head cold
20 pts.: Pre-recorded “Tunes to Twerk By” played by a local DJ
FEATURED SPEAKER
100 pts.: Jon Stewart
80 pts.: Patrick Stewart
40 pts.: Rod Stewart
30 pts.: Stewie (from “Family Guy”)
10 pts.: Martha Stewart
ATTIRE FOR POST-INAUGURATION RECEPTION
100 pts.: Formal wear featured in the New York Times Style Magazine
70 pts.: Sweats
30 pts.: Anything from the “Trailer Park” rack at David’s Bridal
RECEPTION HORS D’OEUVRES
100 pts.: Shrimp cocktail (with sauce)
90 pts.: Shrimp cocktail (without sauce)
80 pts.: Cheese bits (with toothpicks)
70 pts.: Cheese bits (without toothpicks)
60 pts.: Hummus (with crackers)
50 pts.: Hummus (without crackers)
40 pts.: Turkey jerky
30 pts.: No-salt Cheez-Its
RECEPTION BEVERAGES
100 pts.: Wine
90 pts.: Beer in wine glasses
80 pts.: Beer in glass bottles
70 pts.: Beer in cans
60 pts.: Beer in 20-ounce stadium cups
50 pts.: Breast milk
40 pts.: Tap water
30 pts.: Pedialyte Grape
Immediately following the U.S. News & World Report press conference introducing the inauguration factor, Harvard and Yale Law Schools announced that they would resume participating in the ranking process. As Harvard Law Dean John F. Manning put it, “we’re back in the game, baby, with gold-tasseled loafers on both feet!”