University Life

As any president of an NCAA Division I college or university will tell you, the biggest challenge facing higher education in 2024 has nothing to do with protecting free speech and promoting civil discourse, or dealing with student use of AI/ChatGPT technology, or grappling with DEI controversies, or even maintaining enrollment.   

Nope, it’s none of the above. 

The biggest challenge, by far, is raising the huge sums of NIL money needed to pay a school’s star athletes in high-profile sports such as football and basketball.  

Well, the University of Notre Dame has found a way.  

Beginning in January 2025, Notre Dame will launch Fighting Irish Sweepstakes (FIS), the nation’s first sports-betting enterprise owned and operated by a university.  

FIS will offer a full range of gambling opportunities that will directly compete with franchises such as DraftKings and FanDuel.  Students, faculty, and staff at Notre Dame will not be permitted to place bets with any franchise other than FIS.

Individuals not affiliated with Notre Dame will also be welcome to wager with FIS.  As Father Robert Dowd, the school’s President, put it in his weekly press conference, “FIS welcomes all of God’s children…and adults.  In fact, our Theology Department will be offering plenary indulgences for every wager of $50 or more you make, regardless of your religious affiliation.  If you don’t know what a ‘plenary indulgence’ is, please visit the FIS website.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

“FIS will extend generous lines of credit to its customers, with collections being handled by undergraduates in our Criminal Justice Department who are majoring in Undercover Operations and Inquisitions.  In addition, any customer who develops a gambling addiction will receive free counseling (up to five sessions) from an intern in our master’s program in social work.”

When asked by a reporter if diving into the deep end of the gambling industry was a bit “unseemly” for a Catholic institution, Father Dowd replied, “I assume you’ve heard of parish Bingo nights, right?  What did you think those were?  And let’s be honest.  When you look at some of the other mischief that the Church has let slide over the past several decades, what we’re doing in South Bend is small potatoes. 

“They say ‘The Lord works in mysterious ways’, but jumping into this pool is a no-brainer.  Every Saturday in the fall, The Almighty will be wearing a Notre Dame sweatshirt and betting on the Irish to cover the spread.  We invite you to join Him.”

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education article examines the “telltale signs of financial distress” that serve as Tarot cards for the impending demise of a college or university (September 30th online).  Of course, there are the usual suspects (e.g., declines in enrollment, raids on the endowment), but what about the more subtle indicators that your school is in danger of going belly up?

Here are the Top Ten to look out for:

—  Every restroom on campus has been retrofitted with pay toilets and a change-making machine that accepts dollar bills. 

—  As you pull into the main parking lot, a disheveled adult carrying a squeegee and a pail of dirty water shuffles up to your car and aggressively inquires: “Clean your windshield?”  It’s the Provost. 

—  The condom packages in the punch bowl at Health Services are all stamped “IRREGULAR.”

—  In order to cut lighting costs during the Drama Department’s annual production of Our Town, the director has Emily Webb die in the middle of the play’s first — and only — act.  

—  Running water is only available in the residence halls on odd-numbered days of the month.

—  The school’s Chief Financial Officer has been wearing black to every campus event for the past year, including Chi Omega’s Spring Pastel Festival.

—  When students show up at the Counseling Center for help with emotional problems, the receptionist simply hands them a laminated business card containing the message, “GET A GRIP!”

—  The uniforms for the football team no longer include helmets or pants. 

—  At Homecoming, the main organized activities for alumni are picking up litter on the campus quad and removing obscene graffiti from pay-toilet stalls. 

—  Students are responsible for bringing their own silverware, condiments, and napkins to the dining hall.  On Buffalo-Wing Fridays, chickens are plucked by Pell Grant students before frying. 

Schools displaying three or more of the above characteristics typically close within five years. 

 

The many publicized flaws in FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) have led critics to bludgeon the Department of Education with the vigor of psychotic 8-year-olds on a sugar high at a birthday party wielding spiked baseball bats at a piñata.

But the pummeling may finally be over.

On Wednesday, the Department of Education debuted a new, streamlined, 10-item FAFSA that should silence those who have been trashing the application.  As a service to University Life readers, we present FAFSA 4.0. 

(1)  How much money do your parents have right now?

Dollars _____     Cents _____

(2)  How much of that amount are they willing to spend on your first year of college?

Dollars _____     Cents _____

(3)  No, seriously.  How much?  (Assume they love you a moderate amount.)

Dollars _____     Cents _____

(4)  Are you willing to engage in sex work during your first year of college in order to help pay your tuition bill?

Yes _____

No _____ (skip to Question 6)

(5)  How physically attractive are you?

_____ Smokin’

_____ Pretty good-looking

_____ Reasonably attractive, depending on the lighting

_____ Not great, by any means

_____ One-eyed dogs missing a leg have crossed the street to avoid me

(6)  Would you be willing to attend college if you could only afford the dining hall’s Super-Economy Meal Plan (one meal every other day)?

Yes _____

No _____

(7)  Would you have a problem with occasionally stealing cash that your college roommate carelessly left lying around your shared room?

Yes _____

No _____

(8)  Are you okay with attending a crappy school in a warm climate if it meant that you could spend less money on clothes for the winter?

Yes _____

No _____

Exactly how crappy are we talking? _____

(9)  Are you applying to college because you want to go, or because your parents want you to go?

I want to go _____

It’s my parents _____

(10) No, seriously.

I want to go _____

It’s my parents _____

Pilot-testing indicates that 97% of high-school seniors can complete this application in less than 5 minutes.

A tip of the hat to the Department of Education, which finally gets a win.  

 

 

 

 

Should college presidents take public positions on controversial social issues?  This question continues to stir debate in higher education.  

The latest casualty: Ronald J. Daniels, President of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.  

On September 16th, a “hot mic” at a Hopkins alumni dinner caught Daniels saying to a donor: “If the [NFL’s Baltimore] Ravens are going to recover from their 0-2 start this season, [Lamar] Jackson will need to up his game at quarterback.”  

Reaction was swift. 

The Baltimore chapter of the NAACP condemned the statement, asserting that “we no longer live in an era when a white man can get away with telling a black man how to do his job.  Daniels must not have seen the memo.  He must go.”

The Faculty Senate at Hopkins unanimously passed a no-confidence vote targeting Daniels, noting that “we always kick off the academic year with a no-confidence vote in the President.  It usually focuses on parking.  It’s a Hopkins tradition.” 

ESPN called on Daniels to resign, noting that the President’s comment had adversely affected sales of Jackson’s football jersey and Axe Body Spray fragrance (“Turf Toe”) at the network’s flagship store, ESPN Zone, in Manhattan.  

Two of the most militant student groups on campus — Jews for Israel and Palestinians for Gaza — put aside their differences and signed a joint statement demanding that the President step down, insisting that “even though the President’s remarks had nothing to do with the current crisis in the Middle East, we’re in college and so rabid with all-encompassing rage it doesn’t matter.  It’s time for Daniels to enter the lions’ den.”  

And Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelenskyy issued a press release in which he criticized Daniels for not providing his country with long-range missiles “that could reach deep into Putin’s Russia, piercing its vital organs.  Ronald Daniels, you call yourself a leader?  I call you a timid little mouse looking for moldy cheese in the dark, dusty corners of the world’s closet.”

Daniels has vowed not to resign, maintaining that “I’m not the problem.  Trust me, the Baltimore Ravens are the problem.”

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently highlighted the accomplishments of a number of scholars who continue to be active well into their 80s and 90s (September 4th online).

But let’s not overlook the centenarians.  Here are six noteworthy books that have been published in the past year by emeritus professors who are 100 or older. 

The Jesus I Knew (Ezekiel Stubbs, Harvard Divinity School):  Professor Stubbs is one of the few living academics who was personally acquainted with Jesus of Nazareth.  Kirkus Reviews praises the book as “a warm, affectionate tribute that reveals a madcap side of the Son of God that is largely missing from Biblical accounts.  Stubbs devotes an entire chapter to the bar mitzvah where Jesus transformed a donut into the world’s first bagel.  A must-read.”

Cheese (Maxwell Labrine, Vanderbilt University):  The author devotes this 575-page memoir to a single morning in which he sat on his living-room sofa contemplating what type of cheese he would put on his lunchtime sandwich.  The New York Times Book Review calls it “a dazzling stream-of-consciousness work that combines the best qualities of Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past and Joyce’s Ulysses.  This cheese is delicious.”

I Remember (Monica Von Blazen, Tufts University):  Von Blazen recalls the glorious days when cartoons in The New Yorker were actually funny.  She  wonders: “What the hell happened?”  “A plea for a return to laughter that is so poignant it will leave you in tears,” says The New York Review of Books. 

Sequence (Caleb Stavens, The College of Charleston):  On a cross-country road trip with his daughter, Stavens reviews his medical bills in an attempt to reconstruct the precise order in which he had his knees replaced, hips replaced, cataracts removed, hearing aids installed, and teeth capped.  The Guardian’s reviewer describes it as “a fun ride, but with a serious message about aging for us all.”

“That’s Not My Problem…” (Arlene Ambergris):  A side-splitting account of the hundreds of different reasons for missing an assignment deadline that students gave Ambergris over the course of her seven decades as a professor.  Each brief chapter focuses on a single excuse and ends with the response Ambergris always gave:  “Sorry, but that’s not my problem.  That’s your problem.” 

Carving History (Fiona Thrush, University of Denver):  A day-by-day account of the process by which the Grand Canyon was created by the relentless flow of the Colorado River over millions of years.  “Tedious and repetitive, but worth it” (Washington Post).

All of these books can be ordered from Amazon’s Century website.  

As faculty members across the country return to college and university classrooms this week, many are anxious about the challenges they’ll face in managing students who are more prone than ever to take offense at anything their instructors might say or do.

But no one is worried at the University of Missouri.  

At Mizzou, traditional teaching assistants have been replaced by lawyers.  Indeed, every course at the University of Missouri this fall has a classroom aide who is also a practicing attorney.  

“The attorney is there to make sure that instructors never behave in a fashion that would make them legally vulnerable,” notes Mun Choi, Chancellor of the University.  “Let’s say a professor announces that the due date for an assignment is December 8th.  Well, that happens to be the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day for Catholics. The attorney could advise the instructor to suggest that students turn in their paper on that day if they’re in the mood, rather than require them to do so.  Voila!  No lawsuit!

“Another example: during class discussion, a student asserts that Scotland started World War II when it dropped an atomic bomb on Düsseldorf.  The professor might be tempted to immediately respond, ‘No, you’re wrong’, exposing the student to humiliation and the risk of trauma.  Before that can happen, the attorney is likely to recommend an alternative reply, such as ‘That’s certainly one way to look at it.  Good job!  With historical stuff, it’s often so hard to know for sure what really happened.’  Trauma averted!”

Choi acknowledges that the University will probably not be able to hire graduates of elite law schools to serve as classroom aides: “Folks from Harvard and Yale tend to view Missouri as a toxic landfill, a place where your Chardonnay comes in a shoebox.  But we’re OK with that.  We’re looking for lawyers who possess down-to-earth expertise, ones who learned their craft representing people who shoplift Twizzlers and No-Pest Strips from Dollar General.”

On August 8th the Board of Trustees at Emerson College in Boston announced that the school “will not…issue statements on complex geopolitical issues” (Emerson College website).  

When Jay Bernhardt, Emerson’s President, was asked by reporters to provide an example of a non-complex geopolitical issue, he replied, “all geopolitical issues are complex.  Even ones that look simple are complex.

“Consider the ‘simple’ geopolitical question of which is better: thin-crust pizza or deep-dish pizza?  At first glance the obvious answer would appear to be thin-crust.  As everyone knows, biting into a slice of deep-dish pizza is like sinking your teeth into a stained motel mattress that has been covered with monkey blood and left out in the rain for a week.  

“But what if you’re consuming pizza in a restaurant and have a Ziploc bag of cocaine in your pocket when a DEA agent walks in?  Good luck hiding that contraband in a slice of thin-crust.  On the other hand, slipping the bag into the thick, mushy innards of a deep-dish slice is a snap.  Problem solved.

“I’ll say it one more time: every issue is complex.  Of course, you might wonder, ‘What about the morality of slavery?  What could be more straightforward than that?’  Well, let me ask you this: Have you ever seen a field of unpicked cotton rotting in the blazing sun on an abandoned Mississippi plantation?  I have.  Is that not a moral tragedy?  Chew on that slice of deep-dish for a while and get back to me.”

TRUE FACT:  At New College in Florida last week, hundreds of library books on LGBTQ studies were tossed in a dumpster and hauled away, just one of the consequences of the school shutting down its gender-studies program (Sarasota Herald-Tribune, August 16th online).  

But there’s no need to fret, says New College President Richard Corcoran:  “We’re going to replace all of those books with good, old-fashioned, heterosexual pornography.  The kind of pornography that my daddy used to read, and that his daddy used to read before him.  The sort of hard-core porn that this country needs if it’s going to get back on track, sex-wise.”

The new collection of works will include the classic 11-volume Kitty Litter series (1946-1962), which details the erotic adventures of a randy but naive registered nurse who works the night shift at a maximum-security prison for the criminally insane in Iowa.  Readers will also be able to check out a rare, autographed copy of Vladimir Nabokov’s 650-page epic, Throb Johnson: Beverly Hills Plumber, about a burly clogged-sink specialist whose name is on every wealthy housewife’s speed-dial.

“I’m proud to say that these volumes come from the personal libraries of two member of our school’s Board of Regents,” Corcoran notes.  “The fact that these gentlemen took the time to make these donations even as they are serving life sentences in a federal penitentiary for sex trafficking tells you a lot about their dedication to our institution.”   

TRUE FACT:  The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that an increasing number of colleges “screen students’ academic records and admit them before they’ve formally applied” (Daily Briefing, August 6th online).

Well, hold onto your tasseled mortarboards with both hands, ladies and gentlemen.  Eastern Michigan University has taken this strategy to the next level.  In its “Guess What, You’re Done!” program, potential students are awarded an EMU degree before they even submit an application for admission to the institution. 

According to Eastern Michigan President James M. Smith, “the Guess What initiative enables us to manage enrollment at our school much more precisely than we ever have in the past.  Of course, we no longer have to worry about retention, because students graduate before they have a chance to drop out.  Moreover, we’ve been able to ‘right-size’ our roster of tenure-track and adjunct faculty, since we no longer employ any tenure-track or adjunct faculty.  

“Guess What has allowed us to add staff to both our Business Office and our Division of Alumni Affairs, which is a good thing — the folks there are super busy now.  For example, collecting tuition from someone who has never taken a course at your institution can be challenging.  But it’s a challenge we embrace with enthusiasm…and with a no-nonsense collection agency.”

NOTE:  If you would like to attend EMU, just check your email.  You may already have graduated!  An invoice should be arriving soon.  Payment is due upon receipt, so respond promptly.  Things can get very unpleasant if they have to contact you a second time.

TRUE FACT:  Student applicants to Harvard University will soon be answering a new question as part of the admissions process:  “Reflect on a time when you strongly disagreed with someone about an idea or issue. How did you communicate or engage with this person?” (Harvard Crimson, August 4th online).  

Given Harvard’s influence in higher education, it’s not surprising that other schools are scrambling to add similar queries to their applications.  Here are five of the more provocative ones:

Mississippi State University:  “Imagine that your fraternity/sorority has just participated in a Civil War reenactment of the Battle of Vicksburg.  As you socialize in costume at a reception following the event, a student comments, ‘You know, I think slavery was wrong then and it’s wrong now’.

“What would you say in this awkward situation?”

Massachusetts Institute of Technology:  “Imagine that your boyfriend or girlfriend whispers to you immediately after having sex: ‘You never express any emotion or tenderness when we’re together.  It’s almost as if you view me as a machine whose sole purpose is to provide you with physical pleasure.  And you never blink’.

“Would you respond to this hostile remark as you proceed to put on your clothes, leave the room, and end the relationship?  If so, what would you say?”

Oral Roberts University:  “God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ walk into a bar, where they find the Virgin Mary totally hammered, performing a karaoke version of Donna Summer’s ‘Bad Girls’.

“What feedback should they give her when she finishes singing?”

Carnegie-Mellon University:  “Your History professor’s teaching assistant, in a desperate attempt to win your affection, reveals to you all of the questions on the upcoming final exam.  What would you do, and why?

“Use the information, then dump the TA after one date.

“Use the information, then claim you have a sexually transmitted disease right before you’re scheduled to go on a date with the TA.

“Blackmail the TA by threatening to ‘tell all’ to the professor if you’re not paid $500 every other week for the next six months.  Date the TA if he/she is attractive.”

Dartmouth College:  “You wake up in your luxury dorm earlier than usual one morning and realize that your family’s obscene level of wealth has provided you with opportunities and advantages that the vast majority of people on this planet do not have. What would you do, and why?

“Smile, go back to sleep, and write a thank-you note to your parents later in the day.

“Smile, get up, have a saffron smoothie, and go to the gym.

“Frown, experience guilt, and send a check for $100 to Doctors Without Borders.

“Frown, experience extreme guilt, and send a check for $125 to Doctors Without Borders.”

Moral of the Story:  Now is the time to come up with a probing question for your undergraduate applicants, before the federal government does it for you.