University Life

College fraternities have long had a negative reputation in U. S. higher education, where they are widely viewed as a Sodom and Gomorrah of bad behavior.  But — no joke — a recent national survey, cited by the Chronicle of Higher Education, indicates that fraternity members report a higher level of mental health than non-fraternity males in the same age cohort (Daily Briefing, November 4th online). 

How could that possibly be true?  University Life interviewed dozens of “frat bros” around the country last week to find out.  Here’s a sampling of what these young men told us:

Todd (University of Illinois) — “You ever play solitaire beer pong?  It’s profoundly depressing.  Hell, it makes you want to stop drinking altogether.  I need my guys there to cheer me on.”

Darren (Tulane) — “When you owe DraftKings or FanDuel several thousand dollars and their no-neck collection goons are about to show up and beat the crap out of you, it’s nice to have a brother across the hall who can lend you some cash.  No more concussions and internal injuries for me.”

Hunter (Mississippi State) — “Our fraternity buys high-end condoms in bulk.  I’m talking about Michelin Ribbed Radials.  We tape them next to every surface in the house that has enough space for a human being to lie down on.  That way, a brother is never in a situation where an opportunity presents itself and no protection is readily available.  It takes the stress level down to zero on party nights.”

Finn (Dartmouth) — “When you’re naked and climbing into the 3rd-floor window of a sorority house at 3:00 am, it’s reassuring to know that someone is holding on to the bottom of the ladder.”

Peyton (UCLA) — “Let’s say you haven’t attended class in a month because you’re binge-watching all 28 seasons of South Park.  It’s comforting to have a frat brother tell you that ‘it’s totally okay, man! What you learn from South Park can’t be found in books’.”

Ellison (University of Texas at Austin) — “Getting ready to go on a hot first date when you discover that you have no clean underwear?  Not a problem.  That community laundry basket in the foosball room, filled with fresh boxer shorts, is just what the doctor ordered.  And don’t forget the fabric softener.  Always use Downy, Vanilla Bean scent.  It drives women crazy.”

Spence (Penn State) — “Left to my own devices, I’d eat nothing but Ramen noodles.  But here at Kappa Pho, there’s always a brother who’ll say to me, ‘you might want to consider supplementing that entrée with a Slim Jim.  Gotta get yourself some protein, Spence-Man’.  We’re all about looking out for one another.”

Perhaps it’s time we put a hold on our moral indignation and start giving fraternities the respect they deserve.  Just a thought.

 

A recent Chronicle of Higher Education essay, authored by no less than a Yale Law professor, argues that “colleges can still pursue diversity” (September 15th online).  

As insightful as this article is, it fails to mention a number of creative strategies that schools around the country are already taking to enhance the diversity of their student bodies without running afoul of Supreme Court rulings.  Here are 10 examples:

Rice University has begun to aggressively recruit male applicants who routinely order salads as an entrée when dining out.  “This demographic has been underrepresented at Rice for decades,” says Admissions Director Whit Slawson.  “We’re calling it our ‘Kale and Croutons Initiative’, and we’re excited!”

The College of Charleston is courting high school seniors who do not believe in the existence of the letter “W.”  “You’d be surprised at how many folks in our state are W deniers,” notes Wendy Hash, Vice President for Enrollment.  “We hope they’ll become the ‘special sauce’ that makes our school more distinctive.”  

The University of Southern California is focusing its efforts on attracting students who have lost a finger and/or toe to frostbite.  According to Gavin LaLouche, Dean of Admissions, “this strategy serves a dual purpose.  It generates more applicants from the northern United States and Canada.  And it exposes our warm-weather students to people who differ from them in a significant way, expanding their view of the world.  Sure, a few of our current undergraduates from the Farm Belt have lost an arm or a leg to a wheat thresher, but frostbite is a whole other deal.  This is a win-win!”

At Arizona State University, ambidextrous applicants are receiving special attention.  An admissions counselor at the school observes that “research conducted by HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. indicates that ambidexterity is highly correlated with being bisexual.  Best proxy ever!  We definitely get to check the LBGTQ+ box with this one.”

The University of Central Florida will begin admitting dolphins in the fall of 2026.  “Dolphins are super-smart,” says Helene Steakum, Chair of the Marine Biology Department.  “Hell, the average dolphin outscores 40% of our current undergrads on the ACT.  Five years from now, I expect that dolphins will hold down most of the work-study jobs in UCF’s Academic Assistance Center.”

For the past two years, Harvard Divinity School has been accepting students who claim they once sat next to Jesus on a Greyhound bus.  “We want to destigmatize individuals who’ve had first-person encounters with the J-Man,” says Edmund “Skip” Gadbutte, Dean of the Div School.  “Our community has learned a lot from them, and not just about theology.”  

The University of Chicago is experimenting with a program that targets applicants who have never visited a zoo.  According to Senior Enrollment Wrangler Scott Segue, “what we’re looking for here are kids who are fine with putting animals in cages, but who object to the smell of zoos.  We need more of these olfactory-gifted students at Chicago.”  

At UCLA, they’re recruiting teens who saw “Wicked I” but have no plans to see “Wicked II.”  “What’s up with these kids?  Whatever it is, we want them here,” reports an admissions counselor who wished to remain anonymous.  

Rutgers University is going all out to enroll the offspring of Mexican drug cartel members.  “For years we’ve neglected the children of drug kingpins south of the border, while relentlessly pursuing the kids of street-level dealers in Newark and Trenton,” claims Timothy Narfton, Dean of the School of Pharmacy.  “It’s time we started welcoming all segments of the drug-trafficking community, not just those in our backyard.”  

For the past 10 months, the University of Idaho’s School of Continuing Education has been offering partial scholarships to applicants 50 years and older who insist on wearing a COVID mask while driving alone.  “A lot of people make fun of these folks,” says Patrice Pez-Necco, the School’s Dean.  “And we’re okay with that.  Once they’re here, we make fun of them too.  But their presence adds a bit of quirkiness to a campus that desperately needs it.  Let’s be honest — overall, our student body is mind-numbingly dull.  Most advising sessions end up with the professor nodding off during the conversation.  We want to change that.”

Isn’t it time for your campus step up to the diversity plate and take a few swings?

Starting November 1st, the NCAA will allow college athletes to place bets on professional sports (Chronicle of Higher Education, October 22nd online).

“With all that Name, Image, and Likeness money these kids are getting nowadays,” says NCAA President Charlie Baker, “they need more stuff to spend it on.  I mean, how many fancy sports cars with alpaca-fur interiors can a college freshman buy?  Isn’t it better that these young people develop a chronic gambling problem from their newfound riches, rather than a disabling cocaine addiction?  By taking this step, the NCAA is doing its part to fight homelessness.  I just hope we get credit for it.”

Lifting the ban on pro sports betting is just the beginning, says Baker.  In January, NCAA athletes will be permitted — indeed, encouraged — to bet on the college team they play for, as long as they bet on that team to WIN.  

“What better way to motivate players to give their best on the field or on the court?  Hell, why didn’t we think of doing this years ago?”

In a related development, the Business School at the University of Michigan now offers undergraduate students three academic credits for every $1,000 they wager on FanDuel. 

“Betting on sports is a great way to learn about microeconomics,” notes Sharon Matusik, Dean of the Ross School of Business.  “And it relieves professors of a thankless task: reading AI-generated term papers.  What’s not to love?”

 

Uh-oh, there’s a new college and university accreditor in town — the Commission for Public Higher Education, supported by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis — and the academic community is abuzz with speculation over the possibility that a conservative Trumpian agenda could be injected into the review process (Chronicle of Higher Education, October 14th online). 

This concern would certainly seem to be warranted, given the questions posed by the 10 Accreditation Standards the Commission plans to implement.  Here they are:

1. Governance:  Is the President’s office trimmed in gold?  And the President’s desk — is it sculpted from a gold slab?  What about the paper clips and doorstops?  Are they gold?  Overall, is there enough gold?
2. Athletics:  Does the institution have a Division I football team that’s competitive?  Have all the cheerleaders been vetted to ensure that they look — and bounce — like either Pam Bondi or Kristi Noem?  Where is cheerleader underwear kept when it’s not being worn?  Is that underwear gold, or some other color?
3. Campus Safety:  Is a Pete Hegseth National Warrior Unit permanently located on campus to quell food insurrections orchestrated by Antifa activists?  Does the unit possess a tank, missile launcher, and limited nuclear capability?
4. Support Services:  If a dormitory student has a dream at 2:00 am about a radical left faculty member urging him or her to become “trans,” is there a number at the Counseling Center the student can call to get help?  Will that faculty member be arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and beyond?  
5. Curriculum:  Can each and every course at the school be completed without reading a book?
6. Library:  Has the institution’s library been converted to a valet parking garage for Name, Image and Likeness (NIL) donors?  If the answer is “no,” when will it be?
7.  Worship:  Do all in-person and Zoom-based class sessions begin with a Christian prayer, Bible reading, and communion?  Are plans to eliminate in-person courses moving ahead expeditiously?
8. Campus Resources:  Are service alligators provided to vision-impaired students who work part-time as ICE agents?  
9. Faculty:  Do all professors, both full-time and adjunct, abide by the mandate to employ air quotes whenever they utter the word “science” in class?  By the way, why are faculty even using that word?
10. Student Body:  Are applicants to the institution accepted solely on the basis of merit?  For meritorious white applicants who can’t spell “merit,” is assistance in completing required paperwork available from the Admissions Office?  What percentage of students pay their tuition in gold?

Stay tuned.  The months to come should be interesting. 

On Thursday, Secretary of Education Linda McMahon announced that, beginning in January 2026, the syllabus for every undergraduate course in the country must explain HOW that course will make students “job ready.”  

“College students in this nation spend way too much of their time learning about stuff that has no practical value,” said McMahon.  “What can a 19-year-old do with the abstract fluff gained in a philosophy course on Morality and Ethics?  Absolutely nothing.  On the other hand, a course in Strategic Bribery would give them the tools required to be successful in all sorts of work-related endeavors.  How do you think I got my job?  You need to know when the time is right to grease someone’s palm with a C-note, and when it makes more sense to pull hard on their private parts with a pair of rusty pliers.

“Another example: history courses on Slavery in the United States.  What are they going to accomplish other than make students depressed, angry, and averse to vacationing in Mississippi?  That’s not the way to build a competent workforce.  Far better to reframe this subject as a management seminar on Coercive Teambuilding in the Agricultural Sector.  There may come a time in the not-too-distant-future when this assertively artisanal approach to harvesting crops justifiably returns to the South as our economy recovers from the devastation caused by the Biden administration.

“I encourage professors to start reviewing their syllabi now, before it’s too late.  The last thing our country needs is more courses devoted to Madonna-and-Child Art of the Renaissance, unless instructors provide time machines in the classroom that can transport students back to the 15th century for job interviews.  

“What we do need are courses that teach students how to pack a freakin’ grocery bag at Safeway without crushing the grapes and tomatoes under the canned goods and 12-packs of Mountain Dew.  That’s a skill that will help them compete in today’s highly competitive retail labor market.  Let’s give these young people a degree that will mean something.     

“Seize the day, faculty members of America, before I show up on your campus bearing pliers.”  

 

After three years of intensive research involving many false leads, a team of UCLA anthropologists has located and identified the only current undergraduate in the United States who has read an entire book for a college course. 

Timothy Durvineaux, a sophomore at Middlebury College in Vermont, read all 635 pages of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick for a Spring 2025 seminar on “Whales in American Fiction.”

Timothy, a hedge-fund major, apparently read the novel by mistake.  “I thought the professor said we had to read the book, but it turns out that she was fine with us watching the 1956 movie starring Gregory Peck, which is what everyone else did.  Am I stupid or what?”

When asked to describe what it was like to read the world-famous novel, Durvineaux responded, “Holy crap, there were so many words!  Page after page with nothing but words.  My copy had no pictures or drawings.  You’d think they would at least put in a picture of a whale or a ship or a harpoon or something to break up the monotony.  But nope.  It was a nightmare.”

The research team asked Timothy if he planned to read more books during his junior and senior years at Middlebury.

“You’re kidding, right?”

The total number of new tenure-track positions available at U. S. colleges and universities is expected to drop to FIVE in the fall of 2027, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. 

This number does not bode well for graduate students currently working on their doctoral dissertations.  These individuals are in desperate need of a Plan B.  Fortunately, one is readily available: authoring a bestselling book on leadership.

The American professional class has an insatiable appetite for books on leadership; it consumes them with the same fervor that Joey Chestnut displays when gorging himself on wieners at Coney Island’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Of course, you might be saying to yourself right now, “My dissertation focuses on rare strains of amoebic dysentery found in luxury resorts in Acapulco.  What do I know about leadership?”

Relax.  We live in a post-knowledge era.  All you need to do is follow these 15 easy steps:

1. Obtain a pair of dice.  Throw one die in the trash and roll the other one.  The number that comes up represents the number of factors in your leadership model. 
2. Pick any participle that represents action (e.g., “launching,” “propelling,” “selling”). 
3. Pick any noun that captures the meaning of “vision.”  Better yet, just use the word “vision.”
4. Use Steps 1, 2, and 3 to assemble the book’s title (e.g., “Harnessing Your Vision: The Four Keys to Effective Leadership”).
5. Select the nouns that will correspond to the number of factors in your title. Any nouns will do (e.g., “fortitude,” “bacon,” “initiative,” “spackle”). 
6. It’s time to write the text for the book, addressing the leadership factors you identified in Step 5.  Doing this will be much easier than you think (e.g., “Successfully leading your organization is like frying bacon.  Too much heat, and it will be burnt and crumbly.  Too little, and you’ll end up with the limp, soggy, slimy mess they serve in England.”).  If you encounter writer’s block, smoke a little weed.  If that doesn’t work, smoke more.
7. Self-publish 10 copies of your book.  
8. Drive to the nearest airport.
9. Buy the cheapest round-trip ticket you can.  The destination is irrelevant.  Your goal here is to gain access to the bookstores on the other side of airport security.
10. Place 5 copies of the book in a carousel for self-help books near the departure gate for your flight.  Make sure to paste a label inside each copy that includes the book’s price and your home address (from which additional copies can be ordered).  
11. Get on the plane.
12. When you arrive at your destination, repeat Step 10.
13. Fly home and wait for the orders to arrive.
14. When the number of orders reaches 100 (don’t worry, it will), approach HarperCollins and Simon & Schuster.  Start a bidding war.
15. Get rich.  Occasionally make a donation to a charitable organization that provides emergency shelter for homeless adjunct faculty.  Send a complimentary copy of your book to the advisor of the dissertation you abandoned.

You can do this.  Get busy.

 

As elite colleges and universities scramble to dodge the heat-seeking missiles fired at them by the Trump administration, a few are taking a more proactive approach.  Here are five creative examples:

Dartmouth College:  The school has agreed to establish an Institute for the Study of White Achievement.  The Institute will highlight the many accomplishments of pale people throughout history, beginning with Harald Fairhair (850-932), who was the first King of Norway.  An entire wing will be devoted to Eric Trump.

“This day has been a long time coming,” says Dartmouth President Sian Beilock.  “For centuries, the pasty-complexioned among us have been relegated to the margins by leftist scholars who have ignored their contributions.  At Dartmouth, where the pristine whiteness of our winter snowfalls is so dazzling that it can blind a caribou, we plan to rectify that neglect.”

The Ohio State University:  In January 2026, the University will open the Melania Trump Center for Supermodel Preservation.  The Center will serve as a clearinghouse for research on anti-aging ointments, creams, and gels, as well as cutting-edge investigations that focus on gravity-defying scaffolding techniques for the female bosom-al region (FBR). 

As the First Lady recently put it, “there is no reason that Christie Brinkley shouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley FOREVER!”

Cornell University:  Construction has begun on the Museum of Wall History, which will address the crucial role that walls have played in advancing civilization.  Exhibits will include the U. S. Border Wall, the Great Wall of China, Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, and Walgreens.  

Stanford University:  “Man/woman…..boy/girl…..shepherd/sheep; it’s all about nature dividing us into two sexes,” President Donald Trump proclaimed at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Foundation for Research on the Heterosexuals in Palo Alto.  “It’s crucial that every American understand how all of creation is anchored in the missionary position taken during the sexuals by the male and female of every species, including birds and horses.  The era of confusing our young people about who does what to whom is over!”

Boston University:  The school’s Department of Criminal Justice will house the Center for the Study of Joe Biden’s Crimes Against Humanity.  At a reception celebrating the creation of the Center, FBI Director Kash Patel assured attendees that “Mr. Biden will be held accountable for his misdeeds both during and prior to his term as President, including the manufacturing of fake birth certificates for Barack Obama, Gavin Newsom, and George Romney.”

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Is your institution ready?

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently published a thought-provoking opinion piece entitled, “When Students Want You to Change Their Grades” (August 1, pp. 34-35).  The appearance of this essay coincides with the release of University Life’s annual list of 10 Most Distinctive Requests for Grade Changes received by professors over the past 12 months.  Here they are, unedited:

Dear Professor Tobias —

I would like to respectfully request that you change my final grade in your course from a B- to an A.  As a young woman, I experience the B- as a hurtful triggering symbol.  The B is clearly a visual depiction of the female bosom; the only things missing are nipples.  And the minus sign is, without question, a phallic symbol poised to enter the cleavage provided by the B.  

Thank you for your consideration.  If you don’t change my grade, I will be filing a grievance and calling the police.

Dear Dr. Grafferson —

You gave me a C in your course.  I want an A.  I’m an only child.  Do it. 

Professor Sternhausen —

I acknowledge that I fully deserve the final grade of F I received in Introduction to Political Institutions.  I didn’t turn in any of the assignments and failed both the midterm and final exams.  However, if you had done a better job of teaching this course, I would have been more motivated to study and do the work.  So, I think you bear part of the responsibility for what happened here.  How do you feel about splitting the difference, and raising my grade to a C?  Thanks. 

Dear Dr. Orfshun —

The night before the final exam in your course I found out that I was pregnant, and the father is not even my boyfriend.  The father is a guy who works at Shake Shack and always gives me an extra slice of cheese on my hamburger.  I mean, I like this guy, but I don’t want to have his baby.  

As you can imagine, I was really distracted during the exam.  Is there any chance that you could throw out my final exam score and just use the other grades I earned during the semester to determine my overall grade?  Thanks so much!

Hello Professor Spraster —

I have your dog.  If you ever want to see Corky again, you’ll change my grade from a D to an A.  I’m not kidding.  Just ask my parents about what happened to Mitzy, their cat.  I’m freakin’ crazy.  

Dr. Kitswallen —

This is God, saying hello.  Yes, that God.  The One and Only.  I don’t usually intervene in grade disputes, but Marjorie Orblaney showed me her final paper on tree snails that she wrote for your course on Portuguese Wildlife, and I have to say that I think it’s worth more than a C+.  Could you take another look at it?  Bless you.

Greetings Professor Zentz —

If you could change my final grade of F to anything else, I promise to work in a leper colony reattaching limbs for the rest of my life.  Thank you. 

Hey Doc —

This is Connor, from your Intro Psych class.  I’m dating a Physics/Philosophy double major who only sleeps with guys carrying a 4.0 GPA.  I know I’m heading towards a B- in your course right now, but could you help me out here?  Please?  This girl is totally HOT!

Dear Professor Skurn —

My dad has been diagnosed with Terminal Exploding Hemorrhoids, which are due to erupt soon after the end of the semester.  It would mean the world to him if his only daughter — that’s me — earned all A’s this term.  It would be my final gift to him.  Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.  

Dear Dr. Plankton —

This is a course in Post-Modernism, for God’s sake.  Do you really believe that grades mean ANYTHING?  That being said, could you give me an A?  I’d really appreciate it.  Bye for now.  Foucault rocks!

May all your grades be justified.  

 

 

For many college professors, summer is their only chance to read extensively “just for pleasure,” as the saying goes.  Here are the Top 10 novels that academics are enjoying this season, according to a recent survey of 200 faculty members across the country by University Life:

Dead Man Talking:  A sophomore taking a Zoom-based course in Renaissance Poetry suspects that the instructor he sees on his PC screen is actually a hologram of a scholar who was murdered a decade ago.  He confides in his faculty advisor, who proceeds to close the office door and whisper, “this is not an issue you want to pursue.  Trust me.”  The student is undeterred, initiating an investigation that takes him all the way to an underground AI bunker in Moab, Utah.  

Red State, with Spots:  A mutant strain of measles strikes the unvaccinated population of Waco, Texas, quickly spreading across the nation in apocalyptic fashion, with millions of victims gruesomely scratching themselves to death.  An adjunct biology instructor at Northern Virgina Community College has discovered a cure, but her insecure, unemployed boyfriend is standing in the way (“You’ll become famous and leave me!”).  She loves him…but children are dying. 

The Adventures of Trans-Man (Graphic Novel):  A trans college lacrosse player hides his background as he uses the transfer portal to switch schools every semester.  When he ends up at Duke University in the spring term of his senior year, the coach of an opposing team becomes suspicious and hires a genitalia detective to find out the truth, just as the Blue Devils are about to play in the semifinals of the 2025 NCAA tournament.  A startling revelation in the final chapter will have you rethinking everything you thought you knew about North Carolina barbeque.  

The Closing:  An epic tale in the Stephen King tradition.  The Core Curriculum Committee of a beleaguered New England college fails to notice that the school has gone bankrupt and closed during a marathon meeting of the Committee in the basement of the Humanities Building.  The structure is bulldozed, burying the Committee’s 14 members, who — 11 years later — emerge as zombies that proceed to terrorize the small town of Peddler’s Crotch, Maine. 

You Say Mulatto, I Say Gelato:  It’s 2075, and virtually everyone in the United States is bi-racial.  In Bayonne, New Jersey, a full-blooded Italian male falls in love with an Alfa Romeo convertible.  Can this relationship survive in the face of intense prejudice and discrimination?  Will their children resemble Tesla Cybertrucks?  A story of passion and hope.  

Riot in Cell Block 42:  Members of the MS-13 Gang who sit together in the cafeteria at California State Prison overturn tables and revolt after the warden announces that their segregated dining habits violate the federal ban on DEI activities.  People die. 

The Hill Next to the Woods by the Stream:  A physics professor who loses all of her grant funding during the Trump administration leaves her university to become a shepherdess in Austria.  She learns to play the flute, takes many lovers, and lives to be 104.  

The Oddest Couple:  Wendy, a postmodernist sociology professor, becomes enamored of Kyle, a MAGA-spouting driveway paver who likes to hunt bears.  They go on a camping trip where she insists on wearing her favorite pepperoni necklace in their shared sleeping bag.  Wendy discovers that bears are not a social construction.  Not for the squeamish. 

Blowhole:  In a world in which people have stopped reading books, a pod of dolphins establishes a university in Key West devoted to the Western canon.  Within 15 years, dolphins rule North America, enslaving all humans.  Things go surprisingly well.  

Gentleman’s C:  After his son at Harvard receives a low grade in an elective course on the History of Meat, a disgruntled father employs a hit man to dispose of the instructor.  Little does Dad know that the instructor, an adjunct, is also a hit man.  The nail-biting finale unfolds in an abandoned power plant on the campus of what used to be Columbia University, which has been in ruins for a decade. 

Happy reading, everyone!