University Life

Uh-oh, there’s a new college and university accreditor in town — the Commission for Public Higher Education, supported by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis — and the academic community is abuzz with speculation over the possibility that a conservative Trumpian agenda could be injected into the review process (Chronicle of Higher Education, October 14th online). 

This concern would certainly seem to be warranted, given the questions posed by the 10 Accreditation Standards the Commission plans to implement.  Here they are:

1. Governance:  Is the President’s office trimmed in gold?  And the President’s desk — is it sculpted from a gold slab?  What about the paper clips and doorstops?  Are they gold?  Overall, is there enough gold?
2. Athletics:  Does the institution have a Division I football team that’s competitive?  Have all the cheerleaders been vetted to ensure that they look — and bounce — like either Pam Bondi or Kristi Noem?  Where is cheerleader underwear kept when it’s not being worn?  Is that underwear gold, or some other color?
3. Campus Safety:  Is a Pete Hegseth National Warrior Unit permanently located on campus to quell food insurrections orchestrated by Antifa activists?  Does the unit possess a tank, missile launcher, and limited nuclear capability?
4. Support Services:  If a dormitory student has a dream at 2:00 am about a radical left faculty member urging him or her to become “trans,” is there a number at the Counseling Center the student can call to get help?  Will that faculty member be arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and beyond?  
5. Curriculum:  Can each and every course at the school be completed without reading a book?
6. Library:  Has the institution’s library been converted to a valet parking garage for Name, Image and Likeness (NIL) donors?  If the answer is “no,” when will it be?
7.  Worship:  Do all in-person and Zoom-based class sessions begin with a Christian prayer, Bible reading, and communion?  Are plans to eliminate in-person courses moving ahead expeditiously?
8. Campus Resources:  Are service alligators provided to vision-impaired students who work part-time as ICE agents?  
9. Faculty:  Do all professors, both full-time and adjunct, abide by the mandate to employ air quotes whenever they utter the word “science” in class?  By the way, why are faculty even using that word?
10. Student Body:  Are applicants to the institution accepted solely on the basis of merit?  For meritorious white applicants who can’t spell “merit,” is assistance in completing required paperwork available from the Admissions Office?  What percentage of students pay their tuition in gold?

Stay tuned.  The months to come should be interesting. 

On Thursday, Secretary of Education Linda McMahon announced that, beginning in January 2026, the syllabus for every undergraduate course in the country must explain HOW that course will make students “job ready.”  

“College students in this nation spend way too much of their time learning about stuff that has no practical value,” said McMahon.  “What can a 19-year-old do with the abstract fluff gained in a philosophy course on Morality and Ethics?  Absolutely nothing.  On the other hand, a course in Strategic Bribery would give them the tools required to be successful in all sorts of work-related endeavors.  How do you think I got my job?  You need to know when the time is right to grease someone’s palm with a C-note, and when it makes more sense to pull hard on their private parts with a pair of rusty pliers.

“Another example: history courses on Slavery in the United States.  What are they going to accomplish other than make students depressed, angry, and averse to vacationing in Mississippi?  That’s not the way to build a competent workforce.  Far better to reframe this subject as a management seminar on Coercive Teambuilding in the Agricultural Sector.  There may come a time in the not-too-distant-future when this assertively artisanal approach to harvesting crops justifiably returns to the South as our economy recovers from the devastation caused by the Biden administration.

“I encourage professors to start reviewing their syllabi now, before it’s too late.  The last thing our country needs is more courses devoted to Madonna-and-Child Art of the Renaissance, unless instructors provide time machines in the classroom that can transport students back to the 15th century for job interviews.  

“What we do need are courses that teach students how to pack a freakin’ grocery bag at Safeway without crushing the grapes and tomatoes under the canned goods and 12-packs of Mountain Dew.  That’s a skill that will help them compete in today’s highly competitive retail labor market.  Let’s give these young people a degree that will mean something.     

“Seize the day, faculty members of America, before I show up on your campus bearing pliers.”  

 

After three years of intensive research involving many false leads, a team of UCLA anthropologists has located and identified the only current undergraduate in the United States who has read an entire book for a college course. 

Timothy Durvineaux, a sophomore at Middlebury College in Vermont, read all 635 pages of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick for a Spring 2025 seminar on “Whales in American Fiction.”

Timothy, a hedge-fund major, apparently read the novel by mistake.  “I thought the professor said we had to read the book, but it turns out that she was fine with us watching the 1956 movie starring Gregory Peck, which is what everyone else did.  Am I stupid or what?”

When asked to describe what it was like to read the world-famous novel, Durvineaux responded, “Holy crap, there were so many words!  Page after page with nothing but words.  My copy had no pictures or drawings.  You’d think they would at least put in a picture of a whale or a ship or a harpoon or something to break up the monotony.  But nope.  It was a nightmare.”

The research team asked Timothy if he planned to read more books during his junior and senior years at Middlebury.

“You’re kidding, right?”

The total number of new tenure-track positions available at U. S. colleges and universities is expected to drop to FIVE in the fall of 2027, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. 

This number does not bode well for graduate students currently working on their doctoral dissertations.  These individuals are in desperate need of a Plan B.  Fortunately, one is readily available: authoring a bestselling book on leadership.

The American professional class has an insatiable appetite for books on leadership; it consumes them with the same fervor that Joey Chestnut displays when gorging himself on wieners at Coney Island’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Of course, you might be saying to yourself right now, “My dissertation focuses on rare strains of amoebic dysentery found in luxury resorts in Acapulco.  What do I know about leadership?”

Relax.  We live in a post-knowledge era.  All you need to do is follow these 15 easy steps:

1. Obtain a pair of dice.  Throw one die in the trash and roll the other one.  The number that comes up represents the number of factors in your leadership model. 
2. Pick any participle that represents action (e.g., “launching,” “propelling,” “selling”). 
3. Pick any noun that captures the meaning of “vision.”  Better yet, just use the word “vision.”
4. Use Steps 1, 2, and 3 to assemble the book’s title (e.g., “Harnessing Your Vision: The Four Keys to Effective Leadership”).
5. Select the nouns that will correspond to the number of factors in your title. Any nouns will do (e.g., “fortitude,” “bacon,” “initiative,” “spackle”). 
6. It’s time to write the text for the book, addressing the leadership factors you identified in Step 5.  Doing this will be much easier than you think (e.g., “Successfully leading your organization is like frying bacon.  Too much heat, and it will be burnt and crumbly.  Too little, and you’ll end up with the limp, soggy, slimy mess they serve in England.”).  If you encounter writer’s block, smoke a little weed.  If that doesn’t work, smoke more.
7. Self-publish 10 copies of your book.  
8. Drive to the nearest airport.
9. Buy the cheapest round-trip ticket you can.  The destination is irrelevant.  Your goal here is to gain access to the bookstores on the other side of airport security.
10. Place 5 copies of the book in a carousel for self-help books near the departure gate for your flight.  Make sure to paste a label inside each copy that includes the book’s price and your home address (from which additional copies can be ordered).  
11. Get on the plane.
12. When you arrive at your destination, repeat Step 10.
13. Fly home and wait for the orders to arrive.
14. When the number of orders reaches 100 (don’t worry, it will), approach HarperCollins and Simon & Schuster.  Start a bidding war.
15. Get rich.  Occasionally make a donation to a charitable organization that provides emergency shelter for homeless adjunct faculty.  Send a complimentary copy of your book to the advisor of the dissertation you abandoned.

You can do this.  Get busy.

 

As elite colleges and universities scramble to dodge the heat-seeking missiles fired at them by the Trump administration, a few are taking a more proactive approach.  Here are five creative examples:

Dartmouth College:  The school has agreed to establish an Institute for the Study of White Achievement.  The Institute will highlight the many accomplishments of pale people throughout history, beginning with Harald Fairhair (850-932), who was the first King of Norway.  An entire wing will be devoted to Eric Trump.

“This day has been a long time coming,” says Dartmouth President Sian Beilock.  “For centuries, the pasty-complexioned among us have been relegated to the margins by leftist scholars who have ignored their contributions.  At Dartmouth, where the pristine whiteness of our winter snowfalls is so dazzling that it can blind a caribou, we plan to rectify that neglect.”

The Ohio State University:  In January 2026, the University will open the Melania Trump Center for Supermodel Preservation.  The Center will serve as a clearinghouse for research on anti-aging ointments, creams, and gels, as well as cutting-edge investigations that focus on gravity-defying scaffolding techniques for the female bosom-al region (FBR). 

As the First Lady recently put it, “there is no reason that Christie Brinkley shouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley FOREVER!”

Cornell University:  Construction has begun on the Museum of Wall History, which will address the crucial role that walls have played in advancing civilization.  Exhibits will include the U. S. Border Wall, the Great Wall of China, Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, and Walgreens.  

Stanford University:  “Man/woman…..boy/girl…..shepherd/sheep; it’s all about nature dividing us into two sexes,” President Donald Trump proclaimed at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Foundation for Research on the Heterosexuals in Palo Alto.  “It’s crucial that every American understand how all of creation is anchored in the missionary position taken during the sexuals by the male and female of every species, including birds and horses.  The era of confusing our young people about who does what to whom is over!”

Boston University:  The school’s Department of Criminal Justice will house the Center for the Study of Joe Biden’s Crimes Against Humanity.  At a reception celebrating the creation of the Center, FBI Director Kash Patel assured attendees that “Mr. Biden will be held accountable for his misdeeds both during and prior to his term as President, including the manufacturing of fake birth certificates for Barack Obama, Gavin Newsom, and George Romney.”

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Is your institution ready?

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently published a thought-provoking opinion piece entitled, “When Students Want You to Change Their Grades” (August 1, pp. 34-35).  The appearance of this essay coincides with the release of University Life’s annual list of 10 Most Distinctive Requests for Grade Changes received by professors over the past 12 months.  Here they are, unedited:

Dear Professor Tobias —

I would like to respectfully request that you change my final grade in your course from a B- to an A.  As a young woman, I experience the B- as a hurtful triggering symbol.  The B is clearly a visual depiction of the female bosom; the only things missing are nipples.  And the minus sign is, without question, a phallic symbol poised to enter the cleavage provided by the B.  

Thank you for your consideration.  If you don’t change my grade, I will be filing a grievance and calling the police.

Dear Dr. Grafferson —

You gave me a C in your course.  I want an A.  I’m an only child.  Do it. 

Professor Sternhausen —

I acknowledge that I fully deserve the final grade of F I received in Introduction to Political Institutions.  I didn’t turn in any of the assignments and failed both the midterm and final exams.  However, if you had done a better job of teaching this course, I would have been more motivated to study and do the work.  So, I think you bear part of the responsibility for what happened here.  How do you feel about splitting the difference, and raising my grade to a C?  Thanks. 

Dear Dr. Orfshun —

The night before the final exam in your course I found out that I was pregnant, and the father is not even my boyfriend.  The father is a guy who works at Shake Shack and always gives me an extra slice of cheese on my hamburger.  I mean, I like this guy, but I don’t want to have his baby.  

As you can imagine, I was really distracted during the exam.  Is there any chance that you could throw out my final exam score and just use the other grades I earned during the semester to determine my overall grade?  Thanks so much!

Hello Professor Spraster —

I have your dog.  If you ever want to see Corky again, you’ll change my grade from a D to an A.  I’m not kidding.  Just ask my parents about what happened to Mitzy, their cat.  I’m freakin’ crazy.  

Dr. Kitswallen —

This is God, saying hello.  Yes, that God.  The One and Only.  I don’t usually intervene in grade disputes, but Marjorie Orblaney showed me her final paper on tree snails that she wrote for your course on Portuguese Wildlife, and I have to say that I think it’s worth more than a C+.  Could you take another look at it?  Bless you.

Greetings Professor Zentz —

If you could change my final grade of F to anything else, I promise to work in a leper colony reattaching limbs for the rest of my life.  Thank you. 

Hey Doc —

This is Connor, from your Intro Psych class.  I’m dating a Physics/Philosophy double major who only sleeps with guys carrying a 4.0 GPA.  I know I’m heading towards a B- in your course right now, but could you help me out here?  Please?  This girl is totally HOT!

Dear Professor Skurn —

My dad has been diagnosed with Terminal Exploding Hemorrhoids, which are due to erupt soon after the end of the semester.  It would mean the world to him if his only daughter — that’s me — earned all A’s this term.  It would be my final gift to him.  Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.  

Dear Dr. Plankton —

This is a course in Post-Modernism, for God’s sake.  Do you really believe that grades mean ANYTHING?  That being said, could you give me an A?  I’d really appreciate it.  Bye for now.  Foucault rocks!

May all your grades be justified.  

 

 

For many college professors, summer is their only chance to read extensively “just for pleasure,” as the saying goes.  Here are the Top 10 novels that academics are enjoying this season, according to a recent survey of 200 faculty members across the country by University Life:

Dead Man Talking:  A sophomore taking a Zoom-based course in Renaissance Poetry suspects that the instructor he sees on his PC screen is actually a hologram of a scholar who was murdered a decade ago.  He confides in his faculty advisor, who proceeds to close the office door and whisper, “this is not an issue you want to pursue.  Trust me.”  The student is undeterred, initiating an investigation that takes him all the way to an underground AI bunker in Moab, Utah.  

Red State, with Spots:  A mutant strain of measles strikes the unvaccinated population of Waco, Texas, quickly spreading across the nation in apocalyptic fashion, with millions of victims gruesomely scratching themselves to death.  An adjunct biology instructor at Northern Virgina Community College has discovered a cure, but her insecure, unemployed boyfriend is standing in the way (“You’ll become famous and leave me!”).  She loves him…but children are dying. 

The Adventures of Trans-Man (Graphic Novel):  A trans college lacrosse player hides his background as he uses the transfer portal to switch schools every semester.  When he ends up at Duke University in the spring term of his senior year, the coach of an opposing team becomes suspicious and hires a genitalia detective to find out the truth, just as the Blue Devils are about to play in the semifinals of the 2025 NCAA tournament.  A startling revelation in the final chapter will have you rethinking everything you thought you knew about North Carolina barbeque.  

The Closing:  An epic tale in the Stephen King tradition.  The Core Curriculum Committee of a beleaguered New England college fails to notice that the school has gone bankrupt and closed during a marathon meeting of the Committee in the basement of the Humanities Building.  The structure is bulldozed, burying the Committee’s 14 members, who — 11 years later — emerge as zombies that proceed to terrorize the small town of Peddler’s Crotch, Maine. 

You Say Mulatto, I Say Gelato:  It’s 2075, and virtually everyone in the United States is bi-racial.  In Bayonne, New Jersey, a full-blooded Italian male falls in love with an Alfa Romeo convertible.  Can this relationship survive in the face of intense prejudice and discrimination?  Will their children resemble Tesla Cybertrucks?  A story of passion and hope.  

Riot in Cell Block 42:  Members of the MS-13 Gang who sit together in the cafeteria at California State Prison overturn tables and revolt after the warden announces that their segregated dining habits violate the federal ban on DEI activities.  People die. 

The Hill Next to the Woods by the Stream:  A physics professor who loses all of her grant funding during the Trump administration leaves her university to become a shepherdess in Austria.  She learns to play the flute, takes many lovers, and lives to be 104.  

The Oddest Couple:  Wendy, a postmodernist sociology professor, becomes enamored of Kyle, a MAGA-spouting driveway paver who likes to hunt bears.  They go on a camping trip where she insists on wearing her favorite pepperoni necklace in their shared sleeping bag.  Wendy discovers that bears are not a social construction.  Not for the squeamish. 

Blowhole:  In a world in which people have stopped reading books, a pod of dolphins establishes a university in Key West devoted to the Western canon.  Within 15 years, dolphins rule North America, enslaving all humans.  Things go surprisingly well.  

Gentleman’s C:  After his son at Harvard receives a low grade in an elective course on the History of Meat, a disgruntled father employs a hit man to dispose of the instructor.  Little does Dad know that the instructor, an adjunct, is also a hit man.  The nail-biting finale unfolds in an abandoned power plant on the campus of what used to be Columbia University, which has been in ruins for a decade. 

Happy reading, everyone!

 

The NCAA’s beleaguered PAC-12 took a big step in its comeback on Monday, announcing that Texas State University in San Marcos will join the conference in 2026 (ESPN online, June 30th). 

“We’re not going to stop here,” vowed PAC-12 Commissioner Teresa Gould, as she named the eight additional conference members that will arrive in 2027 to play football.  Here they are:

Stonewall Jackson Middle School (Mobile, Alabama)

Team Nickname: “The Screaming Mullets”

Gould acknowledges that the average age of students on Stonewall’s football team is only 12, but notes that “they grow them beefy down there in Mobile.  You can get steroid-fortified French toast and pork-rind smoothies in the school’s cafeteria.  These kids will do just fine.”

York Correctional Institution for Women (Niantic, Connecticut)

Team Nickname: “The Debutantes”

“The PAC-12 is fully committed to sports equality for women,” says Gould.  “If you think York’s football team won’t be tough, consider the following: two-thirds of its members are serving 20-years-to-life for shooting their husbands.  Their pass rush is going to be FIERCE!”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s Brain Parasites (Wherever RFK Jr. is)

Team Nickname: “The Squirmers”

“I guarantee you, this team will be smart and scrappy.  Heck, they’re responsible for our nation’s health care policy.”

The Evening Shift at Jersey Mike’s sub shop (Trenton, New Jersey)

Team Nickname: “The Slicers”

“They’re from Jersey, so they’re almost as tough as the Niantic crew.”

Greenwich Village Animal Shelter (New York City)

Team Nickname: “The Cujos”

“This team of wild dogs may or may not be rabid, but its motto is, ‘There will be blood’.  Enough said.  God help Cujo’s opponents.”

Setting Sun Assisted Living Facility (Sarasota, Florida)

Team Nickname: “The Jigsawers”

“Fielding a competitive squad is going to be a challenge for them initially, but if they take advantage of the transfer portal, these folks will be fine in a few years.”

Roomful of Roombas (Philadelphia luxury condo)

Team Nickname: “The Sweepers”

“Okay, robotic vacuums are not a sentient life form, but neither is ChatGPT, and that’s become a core component of college life.  Check your moral indignation at the door and admire the finely tuned pass patterns the Sweepers will execute on the field.”

MS-13 Gang (San Miguel, El Salvador)

Team Nickname: “The Glocks”

“In order to give the PAC-12 an international flavor, we invited the MS-13 Gang to join.  Trust me, they’ll be a dominant force in the Conference.  By the way, I’m speaking to you from the trunk of a 1973 Volkswagen.”

Yep, the PAC is back with a vengeance.  And college football is the better for it.   

 

 

 

 

The resignation of University of Virginia President James Ryan is just the most recent indication that addressing the issue of race on college campuses in the Trumpian Era is hazardous to one’s professional health. 

But some institutions of higher education appear to be handling the challenge successfully.  For example, here are five schools that have integrated the hot topic of slavery into their curriculum, as illustrated by quotes from course syllabi. 

Vanderbilt University (Department of Sports Management)

ESPN 450: The Prehistory of the NBA — “This honors seminar focuses on the crucial role that slavery played in the evolution of the National Basketball Association.  If it had not been for ships bringing tourists of color to the shores of North America, the NBA today would consist of Cooper Flagg and a handful of Eastern Europeans.  The league would have 3 or 4 teams in high school gyms playing games broadcast on community access cable.”

University of Southern California (Department of Film Production)

NETFLIX 212: The Miniseries in American Television — “If you enjoyed ‘The Queen’s Gambit’, ‘Band of Brothers’, or ‘Baby Reindeer’, thank slavery.  Slavery was the inspiration for the blockbuster ABC miniseries ‘Roots’ in 1977, which was based on Alex Haley’s novel of the same name.  The massive success of ‘Roots’ on television paved the way for all subsequent miniseries.  Criticizing slavery is like voting for bad TV.”

Louisiana State University (Department of Hospitality and Tourism)

HOSP 367: Beverages and Their Origins — “Planter’s Punch, the mint julep, and sweet tea are enjoyed by millions of Americans every day, thanks to the frequently maligned institution of slavery.  These refreshing drinks were consumed in the early evening by plantation owners and their wives as they exclaimed ‘HUZZAH’ and toasted their loyal employees returning from the fields.  Slavery gave us a world in which we have alternatives to drinking hot cocoa when it’s 90 degrees outside.”

New York University (Department of Public Administration)

PA 112: Urban Transportation — “Without slavery, there would have been no Underground Railroad, and without the Underground Railroad, it would never have occurred to engineers that transportation systems could be installed below street level.  This is why the Catholic Church recognizes Harriet Tubman as the Patron Saint of Subway Systems.”

Dartmouth College (Department of Finance)

ECON 495: Engines of National Productivity — “Where would the United States be today without the buttoned-down, all-white, 100% cotton dress shirt?  What would corporate executives, hedge fund managers, and day traders wear?  Spider-Man tee shirts?  The massive harvesting of pure cotton during the era of slavery in the U. S. enabled the rise of a smartly attired professional class.  It’s often said that ‘clothes make the man’.  Well, it’s clear what made those clothes possible.  This course represents a tip of the hat to all those folks who lent their scratched and gnarled hands to the task.”

Let’s be honest.  College and university leaders need to stop whining about the impossibility of tackling tough issues in the Time of Trump.  These five schools are showing us that it can be done. 

 

 

The University of Idaho recently canceled its plans to purchase the University of Phoenix, just two years after the University of Arkansas made a similar decision not to proceed with the acquisition of the for-profit institution (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 4th online).

What’s next for this behemoth of online higher education?  Experts say that five candidates have emerged as leading contenders to take over the University of Phoenix.  Here they are:

Olive Garden:  Nearly 40% of all families in the United States go to Olive Garden for lunch on the day of their son’s or daughter’s graduation from college.  According to Olive Garden President Dan Kiernan, “we are determined to increase that percentage to 70% in five years.  Once we own the University of Phoenix, students will earn points toward our signature breadsticks and Velveeta/ketchup lasagna whenever they complete a 3-credit course.  It’s the ultimate win-win!”

JCPenney:  The beleaguered national retailer is expected to declare bankruptcy within the next eight months.  “We intend to take somebody down with us,” vows CEO Marc Rosen. 

The Catholic Church:  Leo XIV, the new Pope, is committed to diversifying the Vatican’s business portfolio, according to a confidential source in the Office of Papal Affairs.  “We also need to find places for Augustinian and Jesuit professors to teach when they age out of their institutions.  Research shows that online courses can be successfully taught by the clinically dead, as long as ChatGPT is available to grade assignments.”

Jiffy Lube:  “You can complete as many as three online courses while waiting for a single oil change at Jiffy Lube,” claims company President Edward Hymes.  “Why waste your time reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine or Car and Driver in our waiting room when you can be on your smartphone earning college credit in an honors course on the history of bacon?”

Public Broadcasting Service/National Public Radio:  With the Trump administration attempting to terminate all funding for these media stalwarts, PBS and NPR desperately need an infusion of tuition cash.  “We’ll hold our noses and do what we have to do,” acknowledges PBS President Paula Kerger.  “Yes, we’ll be offering a six-credit certificate program that will qualify you to be a senior reporter on the PBS NewsHour.  Now please excuse me while I go throw up.”

May the highest bidder win.