The “P” Word

It’s been a tough few months for Papa John’s founder John Schnatter, who was caught using the N-word during a conference call in May.  A number of schools have severed ties with him and/or his company.  A prominent example is the University of Utah, which proclaimed that the racial slur was in “direct opposition to our values.”

Not so fast there, Utes.

The full story, at least at Utah, seems to be a bit more complicated. University Life has obtained an audio transcript of the June 15th meeting of the school’s Board of Trustees.  Here’s the relevant excerpt:

Trustee A:  “Our campus food court has a Papa John’s.  What should we do?”

Trustee B:  “Close it.  Holy crap, have you ever eaten one of their pizzas?  Tastes like cardboard that’s been left out in the rain and then dipped in store-brand tomato soup that’s two years beyond its expiration date.  And don’t get me started on the cheese!  Imagine a block of Velveeta having sex with a slab of kimchi-flavored Play-Doh.  Unbelievably vile.”

Trustee C:  “I was in the food court with my two grandchildren last year and ordered them a mushroom-and-onion pie.  Turns out that the place was using Destroying Angels mushrooms and didn’t even know it.  We ended up spending all night in the emergency room getting the kids’ stomachs pumped.  I actually think Tiffany may have suffered some brain damage, but it’s hard to tell because she’s always been a little dim.”

Trustee D:  “Why didn’t we end our contract with this outfit a long time ago?”

Trustee A:  “Our lawyers said we could get sued if we did anything that implied their pizzas sucked.”

Trustee D:  “That’s simply not true!  I told you we should stop hiring graduates of our own law school!”

Trustee A:  “Whatever.  Let’s just thank God for racial slurs!”

Trustee B:  “Shall we vote?”

The site formerly occupied by Papa John’s at the University of Utah food court is now Tiffany’s Kinder-Gym, a play space for children of the school’s faculty and staff.

FINAL NOTE:  One school that has not abandoned Mr. Schnatter is his alma mater, Ball State University (no joke).  According to BSU President Geoffrey Mearns, “here in Indiana, we love our pizza soupy and fermented.  It’s the Hoosier way!”