Even the most severe critics of President Donald J. Trump have acknowledged that Linda McMahon, his nominee for Secretary of Education, could be the kick in the pants that the beleaguered enterprise of higher education needs right now.
Ms. McMahon, the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has proposed a bold strategy for revitalizing colleges and universities that are struggling financially: PAY PER VIEW.
“If I have the honor of becoming the next Secretary of Education,” she told reporters on Tuesday, “I will use my deep ties to the professional wrestling community to bring Wrestlemania to campus gymnasiums across the country. Trust me, these events will generate more than enough revenue to fund even sissy majors like Art History and Philosophy well into the 22nd century.
“The main attraction at these extravaganzas will be WWE superstars such as Cody Rhodes, Rhea Ripley, and Bron Breakker, but every production will include a slate of undercard matches featuring members of the school’s faculty and staff participating on co-ed tag teams. The appeal of seeing your favorite Feminist Studies professor, outfitted in a cleavage-baring breastplate, propelling a despised, loincloth-garbed Finance prof head-first into a corner turnbuckle cannot be overestimated.”
For their part, college presidents can’t wait for McMahon’s road show to come to their campus. As the president of Crown of Thorns Bible College in Munge, Tennessee put it, “I have seen the Blessed Virgin of higher education, and she is Linda McMahon.”