In a decision that is being hailed by academicians nationwide, the United States Fish & Wildlife Service has declared that undergraduate history majors are an Endangered Species.
This means that it will be illegal for anyone — parent, guardian, well-meaning aunt or uncle, faculty advisor, etc. — to attempt to persuade a history major to switch to another field of study. Violators will be subject to a fine of up to $10,000 and five years in prison. While incarcerated, offenders will be required to read aloud all 11 volumes of The Story of Civilization by Will and Ariel Durant.
“We’re playing hardball here,” says FWS Director Martha Williams. “In some parts of our country history majors are so scarce that they are at risk of not being able to reproduce in the wild. In these ‘history deserts’ the supply of prime-age, fertile, female majors is rapidly approaching the vanishing point. Try walking into a crowded Walmart in Fort Dodge, Iowa on a Saturday afternoon and asking, ‘Can anybody here tell me about the Peloponnesian War?’ You know what you’ll get? SILENCE, that’s what. Absolute silence.”
History Major Protection Order #172, issued by the FWS, will take effect on September 1st, 2024.