University Life

TRUE FACT:  A recent study indicates that 95% of all “pouring-rights” contracts between large state universities and beverage companies such as Coke and Pepsi include provisions that reward schools for selling more drinks and/or penalize them if they don’t meet a minimum sales quota (Chronicle of Higher Education, July 22, p. 8).  

Less well-known, but potentially more disturbing, are merchandising agreements involving other products sold on college campuses.

For example, Trojan is the “official condom” of the University of Mississippi.  Whenever an undergraduate buys a package of Trojans, his or her major is automatically recorded at the checkout counter.  Each month during the school year, the academic department with the highest number of Trojan purchases per student receives $7,500 (plus one sex toy) for its discretionary use.

“It’s a win-win,” claims Matthew T. Farrell, CEO of the Church & Dwight Company, manufacturer of Trojans.  “Departments encourage students to have more sex, and safer sex, and that results in the departments benefiting financially.  In April we ran a special promotion for Trojan Ultra-Ribbed, and the demand was so frenzied that the campus bookstore had to extend its hours until 11:30 pm on Friday and Saturday nights.  The lines were out the door and halfway around the quad.  Couples were holding hands while they waited.  Heck, even Math and Engineering majors showed up.  I’m getting emotional just talking about it.”

Not everyone at Ole Miss is thrilled with this arrangement.  The University chaplain believes that the incentive program “rewards fornication and debauchery among young people.  College students should view their bodies as sacred temples, not as throbbing, spasmodic Silly Putty.  Moreover, I don’t think it’s right for academic departments to put big posters on their office doors asking, ‘Have you had sex today?  Why not?’  And don’t get me started on the disgusting collateral litter that the housekeeping and facilities staff have to deal with every Monday morning inside and outside of the residence halls.”

Things could be worse.  Check out the Frequent Snorter Program that Middlebury College has developed in collaboration with Mexico’s infamous Sinaloa drug cartel.  

 

According to a recent article in the Chronicle of Higher Education, “one of the main objections to active learning is that…professors simply can’t cover as much content” (July 8th online).

This challenge will be front and center at Harvard Medical School in the fall of 2022, when the human spleen will be dropped from the school’s curriculum. 

Students who wish to learn about the spleen will have to do so on their own, says Medical School Dean George Q. Daley:  “There’s always Wikipedia, which is a much more credible source of information now than it was a decade ago.”

A faculty task force at Harvard recommended the deletion in a 75-page report released in May.  The report states that “the spleen is a low-profile organ when compared with such stalwarts as the liver, kidney, and pancreas.  Although the spleen can seriously malfunction, patients who experience such problems are typically poor.  By and large, Harvard-trained physicians do not treat poor people, and virtually none of our graduates accept Medicaid.  Our students are better served by taking more elective courses that focus on managing their stock portfolios.  Mistaking a patient’s spleen for his or her thyroid is regrettable, but failing to diversify one’s investments in anticipation of a bear market can devastate an entire family and its descendants.”

Community activists in the Boston area are vigorously protesting the decision (“More Spleen, Less Green”), while lawyers for Harvard claim that the school is simply exercising its academic freedom. 

 

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently noted that “over the years, colleges have employed a number of tactics to create the appearance of a more diverse student body than the one the institution actually has” (July 5th online).

True enough, but this phenomenon is simply the tip of the misrepresentation iceberg in higher education marketing.  Here are five examples from just the past few months:

—  A jury in Lewiston, Maine found Bates College guilty of placing photographs on its website that gave the impression the campus had more chipmunks than it truly had.  A Marketing staff member broke down on the witness stand during the trial, admitting that she had conspired with a local rodent trafficker to release over 500 Eastern chipmunks on the Bates quad an hour before a PR photography shoot was to take place.  

“College students love chipmunks,” the staff member observed.  “We hoped the critters would stay at Bates, but by nightfall virtually all of them had migrated to Bowdoin or Colby. What we did was wrong.  I understand that now.  We should never have used those photos.”

—  At Rice University, images of male Math professors were Photoshopped to remove pocket protectors and lengthen pants so that the cuffs were no longer 2 or 3 inches above the ankle.  “We just wanted our faculty to look like normal people,” said the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences.  “Where’s the harm in that?”

—  Website photographs of New York University showed students sitting on lush, green lawns, conversing amiably, when the reality is, there are no lawns, lush or otherwise, on NYU’s urban campus.  When NYU students sit outside and talk, they typically do so in the middle of the street or atop a dumpster.  

—  Photos depicting the Registrar’s Office at Northwestern University show smiling staff members serving smiling students.  Surveillance videos from that office reveal that it has been 12 years since one of its staffers smiled.  That individual turned out to be mentally ill; she thought she was a Southwest Airlines flight attendant. 

—  93% of all outdoor photos on the University of Washington at Seattle website show blue, cloudless skies with bright sunshine.  When presented with National Weather Service data documenting the dominance of overcast, drizzly days on campus during most of the academic year, a school official claimed that the website photos “are meant to represent the cheerful, optimistic outlook of the U of W community, rather than a weather report.  Now get out of my office, you cockroach!”

Coming next week:  How tanned are all those undergraduates at the University of Miami?

In May, the student government at the University of California at Davis held a referendum on changing the school’s mascot from a mustang to a cow.  The change would honor UC-Davis’s roots as an agricultural institution.  Over 70% of the students who voted supported the proposal (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 10th, p. 10).

It is noteworthy in this age of inclusivity that the views of the 300 cows who reside in the dairy facility on campus were not solicited prior to the vote.  Last week, University Life hosted a bovine focus group in which several of the cows participated.  Here is an excerpt from that discussion:

University Life Facilitator:  “How do you feel about the proposed change?  Do you think it’s a good idea?”

Gertrude:  “Count me in!  Sally told me that the honor of representing the school at home football games would be rotated among all of us from week to week.  That seems fair.”

Maeve:  “Gertrude, you’re dumber than a horse-fly snacking on a fresh cow pie.  Do you really believe the U-C Davis administration won’t play favorites?  Hell, that wet-nosed Guernsey Marlene has been sleeping with faculty in the Department of Animal Science for nearly a decade.  Every Sunday at dawn you can see her taking the Walk of Shame back to the barn from Meyer Hall.  I guarantee you, she’ll get a chance to display her perky hindquarters at homecoming a lot more often than the rest of us.”

Florence:  “Hold on there, Maeve.  Slut-shaming is not OK.  This is 2022, not 1952.”

Maeve:  “Bite me, Florence.”

Harriet:  “Calm down, ladies, you’re missing the point.  Showing up at football games and not pooping for three hours?  This represents additional work for us.  Are they going to compensate us for that?  Are they going to give us an afternoon off in the middle of the week to make up for the Saturday afternoons we’ll sacrifice?  We’re union cattle, remember.  Everything must be negotiated.”

Blanche:  “Well, I don’t mind working on Saturdays, but I do mind standing around for hours watching a stupid football game.  Football is B-O-R-I-N-G.  It’s a waste of good grass.  They should scatter our poop randomly around the field to make the game more entertaining.  At least the event would smell better.”

Simone:  “I promise you: they’re going to parade us out to the 50-yard line at halftime and have kids from 4-H engage in milking competitions.  It will be humiliating, having to show our udders in public like that.”

Maeve:  “Marlene won’t mind.  That siliconed hussy had her udder done a month ago.  It’s bigger than a pair of water wings now.”

Serena:  “I swear to God, if a cheerleader tries to put a bonnet on my head or braid my tail with ribbons, I’ll drop-kick her sorry ass to Stockton.”

As a public service, University Life has submitted an unedited transcript of the 90-minute focus group conversation to the Chancellor’s office at UC-Davis.  

 

Early this year the Association of American Colleges and Universities announced that it was changing its name to the American Association of Colleges and Universities, a change that “recognizes the ongoing expansion of involvement in AAC&U by educators around the world and positions the association for continued growth in global membership” (AAC&U press release, January 10th).  

To no one’s surprise, the Linguistic Society of America has responded to this development with a plenary session at its upcoming annual meeting in Denver.  The 3-hour panel will be held in the Ampersand Room of the Hyatt Regency hotel at 4:00 pm on January 7, 2023.  

Entitled “What’s in a Name?  The Long Journey from AAC&U to AAC&U,” the session will feature the following paper presentations:

—  “Huh?” – Gretchen Chardonnay, University of Michigan at Flint

—  “I Don’t Get It.” – Horace Wegnow, Grinnell College 

—  “What?” – Parnell Dobkin, Cornell University

—  “Seriously?” – Lavinia Turbell, Gettysburg College

—  “I Feel Triggered.” – Heather Snavely-Bolston, New York University

—  “I’m Not Kidding.  Seriously?” – Lavinia Turbell,  Gettysburg College 

—  “ICU, You See You, AACU: Unpacking White Privilege in Association Names” – Ellwood Barks, Colorado School of Mines

—  “You’re Sh***ing Me, Right?” – Darrell Fweck, The College of Charleston

—  “And They Paid the Consulting Firm HOW MUCH?” – Wendy Nursk, Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania

A monograph based on the session will be published by Princeton University Press in 2024. 

 

True Fact:  Bentley University, in Waltham, MA, has become one of the first schools in the nation to accept cryptocurrency (including bitcoin) for tuition payments (Bentley website, May 3rd).   

Not to be outdone, Babson College, in nearby Wellesley, will offer tuition credit in exchange for velvet Elvis paintings beginning in January 2023.

“The value of Elvis collectibles cannot be overstated,” says Babson President Stephen Spinelli, Jr.  “Trust me, Babson is going to become the Graceland of New England.  Bentley, your bitcoins can bite me.” 

Following the lead of these two institutions, other schools are entering the “Alternatives to Cash” tuition sweepstakes.  Here’s a sample:

Wayne State University:  Will accept mint-condition Topps baseball cards depicting famous Detroit Tigers (a 1953 Al Kaline rookie card will cover the cost of a bachelor’s degree plus one graduate certificate).  

Fordham University:  Feral cats can now be used to pay all tuition and fees. (“We desperately need something that can kill the giant sewer rats infesting our campus.”)

University of Oregon:  “Fresh, unbruised fruit is always welcome.  As we like to say, ‘Give us 10 apples and we’ll give you 3 credits’.”

Princeton Theological Seminary:  An authenticated, autographed photo of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph immediately after the arrival of the Magi at the manger in Bethlehem will pay for a semester’s stay in the residence halls.  (“We know that such photos exist, but people tend to hoard them,” says President M. Craig Barnes.)

U. S. Coast Guard Academy:  “Provide us with a fully loaded nuclear submarine, and the place is yours.  We want to blow stuff up.  Why should the other military academies have all the fun?”

Northern Michigan University:  Socks.  Warm socks.  LOTS of warm socks.  (“It gets so freaking cold in Marquette in the winter,” says President Kerri Schuiling.  “Our dimmer students misplace their socks all the time.  Pay us in socks.  Please.”)

University of Miami:  Gator-B-Gone reptile repellent is accepted currency for all charges.  (“It’s dangerous to have intoxicated students passing out on the quad at night during alligator mating season.  We intend to install dispensers of hand-sanitizing repellent across the entire campus this summer.  Problem solved.”)

Conventional currency.  It’s so OVER.

 

 

 

Yep, it’s true.  Harvard plans to spend $100 million in an attempt to atone for its ties to slavery (Chronicle of Higher Education, April 26th online).  

This is, without question, a big story.  Lost in the fine print, however, is an even bigger one.  Beginning in September, legacy students at Harvard will no longer be served dinner prior to non-legacy students in campus dining halls.  

Since 1950, the offspring of Harvard parents have dined every day at 5:00 pm.  After they finish their meal, cafeteria staff scrape the plates and serve the leftovers to non-legacy students at 7:00 pm.    

According to Harvard President Lawrence Bacow, “second-shift diners have complained for decades that this practice makes them feel like second-class citizens.  Our response has always been, ‘just be grateful that you’re at Harvard’.

“We now realize that such an attitude is hurtful.  Non-legacy students are just as deserving as legacy ones, at least when it comes to meals.  Of course, full equality between the two groups may not be desirable in the long run, but some change is clearly called for.  As we like to say in Cambridge, ‘When the firm hand of the ruling class is guided by a benevolent heart, the result is social stability’.”

Inspiring words for these troubled times, to be sure. 

True Fact:  Beginning this semester, students at California State University, Fullerton with a GPA below 2.0 will no longer be put on “academic probation.”  Rather, they will be placed on “academic notice.”  This new wording represents an attempt on the school’s part to lessen the personal stigma associated with poor academic performance (Inside Higher Ed, April 18th).  

The university’s action has prompted schools across the country to review the language they use in communicating with students who are in academic distress.  Here’s a random sample of phrases and sentences that will be dropped in the months to come:

Dartmouth:  “You suck.”

Sweet Briar College:  “Oh, my, it looks like it’s time for a young lady we know to attend to her soiled academic undergarments!”

Massachusetts Institute of Technology:  “Your GPA is circling the drain, and the circles are getting smaller.”

Grinnell College:  “Dear Dopey DoughPersun…”

University of Maine:  “You have been placed on Academic Death Watch.  Beware of a hooded visitor in the night carrying a scythe.”

Florida State University:  “In the bathroom of higher education your exposed academic ass is about to be consumed by a bunch of starving gators climbing out of the toilet.”

Boston University:  “Hey, Brainless….”

Oral Roberts University:  “Welcome to Hell’s staging area.  Yes, it will be indescribably painful.”

U. S. Naval Academy:  “Midshipman, your canoe is taking on the fetid water of failure.”

Lehigh University:  “You are such a disappointment to your family and others who have put their faith in you.”

Let’s be honest:  the time for deleting such offensive language is long overdue.

 

 

 

 

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education recently reported on a whistleblower’s lawsuit that claims the Business School at Rutgers University “created fake jobs for grads to lift its rankings” (April 8th online).  

In response, Rutgers will publish the following full-page ad in the next issue of the Chronicle:

“Success in the business world requires imagination and creativity.  Telling the truth requires no imagination or creativity.  Anyone can do it.  In fact, telling the truth is often an obstacle to imagination and creativity.

“In the Rutgers MBA program, we’ll teach you how to craft falsehoods with confidence.  The skills you’ll learn in prevarication, deceit, obfuscation, and misdirection will help ensure that your business career will be traveled in the express lane on capitalism’s superhighway, not on the rutted, litter-strewn back roads of truth-telling mediocrity.

“We’re the Rutgers Business School.

“Ranked #1 in fraud by U. S. News & World Report.

“Come lie with us.

“Let’s face it, is there any other reason to spend time in New Jersey?”

Sometimes, you just have to tip your hat and say, “job well done.”

A full-page ad in the April 1st issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education (p. 19) boldly proclaims the accomplishments of SMU.  Nowhere on that page is the full name of the school spelled out: Southern Methodist University.  Clearly, the ad assumes that readers of the Chronicle perceive Southern Methodist University as the SMU.

Hold on there just a minute, buckaroos.

How about Saint Mary’s University in Winona, Minnesota?  Or Saint Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia?  Or Singapore Management University in….um….Singapore?  Have you considered Sikkim Manipal University in Gangtok, India?  Of course, there’s Shanghai Maritime University in China.  And let’s not forget Svenska Missionskyrkans Ungdom, a prominent Christian Youth Organization in Sweden.

R. Gerald Turner, President of Southern Methodist University, makes no apologies for the assumption:  “We’re the only SMU that matters.  Our endowment is over $2 billion, and our football team would crush a team from any of those other schools.  Hell, we’d take on TWO of their teams at the same time — 22 versus 11 — and still obliterate them.  And don’t get me started on that unpronounceable Scandinavian youth group.  Playing them would be like driving a road paver over a box of Swedish Fish gummies.  All that would be left is a stain on the asphalt.”

A bit callous, perhaps, but probably correct.