University Life

On Tuesday a University of Texas committee, charged with researching the history of “The Eyes of Texas,” reported that the 1903 song had not been written with racist intent (Washington Post, March 9th online).  That’s good news for those who’d like to continue hearing this anthem at Longhorn sporting events.  

At Auburn University, however, the musical news is not nearly as heartening.  

A faculty task force there has concluded that the Alabama school’s fight song, “You Best Not Be Staring at That White Woman Over Yonder,” does have racial overtones. 

“It’s subtle, but a veiled racist warning can be discerned in the lyrics,” says Auburn History Professor Claymoor Poddle, chairperson of the task force.  The song was written in 1873 by Mervyn “Muskrat” Stook, who was serving as warden of Alabama’s Lee County Jail at the time.  

“Our recommendation to Auburn’s President is that ‘Over Yonder’ be phased out after the upcoming 2021 football season.  Abruptly deleting this beloved song could alienate the team’s fiercely devoted fan base in a hurtful fashion.  Nobody wants that — not in a year when the Tigers could win it all in the SEC!”  

The Erie Times-News reports that “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” often referred to as the “Black national anthem,” now follows the “Star-Spangled Banner” prior to every home athletic event at Gannon College (Feb. 7th online). 

At Syracuse University, it’s a bit more complicated.   

A proposal to adopt the “Gannon Approach” at Syracuse was met with opposition when agreement could not be reached on which song should be played first.  After a week of deliberation, the Syracuse administration decided to alternate the order of the anthems from one game to the next.

However, the night before this decision was to be announced, a rogue student choir, Jagged Edge, stormed the campus library and demanded that “America the Beautiful” be added to the roster of pregame songs. 

Syracuse President Kent Syverud immediately turned the matter over to the Faculty Senate for resolution.  On March 3rd the Senate offered its recommendation, which the President accepted:

Employing a trio of Yamaha S215V Speakers, all three songs should broadcast simultaneously at the  beginning of every sporting event at the University.   

“The overall sound will be awesome,” according to Syverud.  “Sure, it might be difficult to discern the precise lyrics of your preferred anthem amidst the cacophony, but our nation is a melting pot, right?  Well, at 200 decibels, you can bet we’re gonna melt this mutha DOWN!”

Syracuse Faculty Senate, take a bow. 

True Fact:  The Shapiro Undergraduate Library at the University of Michigan recently closed for a couple of days after 3 Mediterranean recluse spiders were found in a basement storage area there (Detroit Free Press, Feb. 23rd online).  

Not surprisingly, college librarians across the country have reacted with embarrassment.  “The last thing we need right now is confirmation of a stereotype that librarians are laughably meek,” claims Kate Menifee-Sprengler, Circulation Director at the San Diego State University library.  “Our library is only 8.4 miles from the San Diego Zoo, and escaped creatures show up here on a regular basis.  We don’t close down the damn building…..we just deal with it.

“For example, last spring an anaconda found its way into the 18th-Century British History section of the stacks and swallowed a sophomore English major.  Unfortunate?  Of course.  But, hey, life goes on.  Three days later we installed a sign at the entrance to that section saying “Watch out for anacondas.”  There have been no further incidents. 

“Want another example?  A rabid cheetah took up residence in our 3rd-floor men’s bathroom a couple of months ago.  We simply put yellow CRIME-SCENE tape across the door and redirected traffic to a 4th-floor restroom that had been cleared of a murder-hornet infestation the previous year.  Problem solved.  

“We handle stuff like this all the time, and never shut down because of it.  Hell, last week I was bitten on the forearm by an orangutan that had gotten into the staff lunch room, and I didn’t even go to the infirmary.  Here, take a look at these incisor marks — they go all the way down to the bone, by the way.

“And what would you have us do about Crawley Crawlerson, the Mathematics professor who was denied tenure in 1998 and has been living in the air-conditioning ductwork above the main Reading Room ever since?  Sure, in the evening he occasionally startles a jittery undergrad, but Crawley is basically harmless.  Should we hunt him down and throw him out?  I don’t think so.”

“Michigan librarians, it’s time for you folks to SUCK….IT….UP and do your job!”

 

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports that “the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and the University of California at Berkeley are forbidding on-campus students to exercise outdoors, in an effort to bring coronavirus transmission under control” (February 11th online).

So, what should students at these two schools do to stay physically fit?

Have sex. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here, in its entirety, is the joint statement issued by the Chancellors of the two institutions:

Dear Students —

Having sex in the secure environment of your dorm room is one of the safest things you can do right now.  In a typical heterosexual episode lasting 24 minutes, the male expends 101 calories and the female, 69.  These figures might need to be adjusted slightly for same-sex encounters (which we’re fine with, by the way), but the fundamental message is clear: having sex is a great way to discharge pent-up energy after a long day of quarantining with Zoom classes. 

Let’s do the math, shall we?  If you have sex just 5 times a day — which should not be a challenge if you’re between 18 and 22 — you’ll burn over 500 calories daily if you’re a male and nearly 350 if you’re a female.  Incorporating a trapeze into these encounters can triple the calories you expend.  GOOD JOB!

So, go ahead and have fun, but make sure to practice safe sex by wearing a mask.  Also, the chaplains at both of our institutions have indicated that “solitaire sex” should not be engaged in under ANY circumstances.  Such behavior is sinful, and burns relatively few calories.  

Thank you for your attention, and we hope you have a terrific semester! 

Sometimes higher education gets it right.

 

 

Yes, This is True:  On February 2nd, Missouri’s Western District Court of Appeals ruled that employees of the University of Missouri System, including faculty, can bring guns to campus, but they do NOT have the right to fire those weapons there.  

At first glance, the logic of this decision might seem questionable.  However, the Court notes in an addendum that “our decision does not prohibit employees from using a gun to pistol-whip miscreants.  Indeed, given the annoying behavior of so many college students these days, the Court strongly encourages faculty members to use firearms in this way whenever issuing reprimands in face-to-face classes.  There are times when a bloodied forehead or a broken nose can be much more powerful than a lecture in sending a vital educational message to everyone in the room.”

Lest we forget, Missouri is the Show-Me State, not the Coddle-Me State.

Sexual harassment on college campuses remains one of the most stubborn challenges facing higher education.  Virtually every week there are reports of male professors being accused of pressuring female students for sex or engaging in other inappropriate behaviors towards them. 

Finally, a major university has decided to take drastic action to address the problem. 

Beginning in September 2021, Purdue University will only hire male faculty members who are 9 years old or younger.  (Female hires will not be subject to this policy.) 

According to Purdue President Mitch Daniels, “the vast majority of boys 9 and under have not reached puberty, so the likelihood that they will engage in serious sexual mischief is slim.  Our female students deserve to be in an environment that is not suffused with the leering of a Pervy Perverson wandering around the classroom, peering down their blouses.”

But how can 9-year-old boys be expected to teach college courses?

“Not a problem.  All classes will employ a group discussion format.  The instructor will begin each session with the question, ‘So, what did you think of the reading for today?’  And off they’ll go.  If necessary, the instructor will use follow-up prompts such as ‘Say more about that’, ‘Please elaborate’, and ‘What are some other ways of thinking about this issue?’

What happens when the boys hit puberty in 3 or 4 years?

“Once again, not a problem.  We let them go.  All of these youngsters will be considered adjunct faculty, which means they basically have no rights recognized by the U. S. Constitution.  As a cost-saving measure, this new policy is a gift from God.  For example, we won’t have to spend a penny on health insurance, since the boys will be covered under their parents’ plan.  Oh, Sweet Jesus, this is a great deal!”

Are there any downsides?

“Spitballs and hair-pulling.  Pre-teen boys can be a pain in the ass in their own right.  Female students will be encouraged not to wear pigtails in class.  Also, we’ve found that young male instructors like to make fart noises, or actually fart, throughout the class.  We’ll have to do something about that.  But, truly, these are minor issues.”

What will happen to the adult male faculty members currently at Purdue?

“Mainly, we’ll offer them buy-outs and phased retirement plans.  We might try to place some of them in boarding schools for girls in New England or Thailand, if they so desire.  We have connections in both places. 

“I guarantee you, a year from now Purdue University is going to have a kick-ass boys’ choir — the best one in the Big Ten!”

Close your eyes, listen carefully, and let the Ode to Joy wash over you.   

 

 

 

 

TRUE FACT:  Dartmouth College plans to hire 15 faculty members of color over the next 5 years in order to diversify its professorial ranks (The Dartmouth, January 26th online).

According to Dartmouth President Philip Hanlon, “we had intended to add 16 faculty members of color, but then somebody in the room said, ‘Whoa, let’s not get caught up in the frenzy of the moment!’  That person was right. 

“Let me just affirm that 15 is a perfectly fine number.  It’s halfway between 10 and 20, and 20 is way too many.  Also, we don’t want to be insensitive to our faculty of no color, who often feel that they are invisible on a snow-covered campus that averages 68 inches of fluff stuff per year.  On more than one occasion a white professor has approached me as I cross the Dartmouth Green during a February blizzard and complained — through his or her frozen tears — that ‘you never see me, President Hanlon, you never actually SEE ME!’.    

“I usually respond, ‘Where is that voice coming from?’, and that should tell you something.  In the Arctic tundra that is Hanover, New Hampshire, we all suffer, regardless of race, creed, or color.”

TRUE FACT:  On Tuesday the College Board announced that it will stop offering SAT Subject Tests and the optional essay section of the SAT. 

The truly big news, however, is that beginning in January 2022, SAT questions will no longer have right or wrong answers.  According to College Board President Jeremy Singer, future versions of the test will focus on how students feel about the topics addressed in the questions, and “as we all know, feelings can’t be correct or incorrect — they just ARE.”

Mr. Singer provided an illustration:

“Rather than ask students to identify which one of several equations represents the Pythagorean Theorem, we’ll ask them if the Theorem makes them happy or sad, and why.  Or we might inform students that Pythagoras was a vegetarian, and then explore how their awareness of this fact influences their attitude towards the Theorem.  For example, does the Theorem now seem less ‘meaty’ to them?”

“Questions like these open the stained-glass window to a student’s soul in a way that can’t be approximated by traditional examinations obsessed with so-called ‘knowledge’ or ‘reasoning’.”

But will the new SAT be a better predictor of success in college than the old SAT?

“Haven’t got a clue,” says Singer.  “But I can tell you how I’ll feel if a lot of schools adopt the new SAT:  like a million bucks, baby, like a million bucks!”

 

In the aftermath of the notorious event that took place at the U. S. Capitol Building on January 6, 2021, the most crucial question facing our nation is what to call the event.  

To the surprise of virtually no one, Harvard University has taken the lead in addressing this challenge.  The school’s Department of Government is sponsoring a 4-day conference this week (January 13 — 16) in which scholars from across the country are debating the most appropriate word or phrase to characterize what happened in Washington, D. C. on January 6th.  According to Department Chairperson Jeffry Frieden, “once we name the problem, we can do something about it.”

The conference is exploring arguments for and against various labels, with participants voting for their favorites on Saturday.  Among the candidates being considered:

—  “Incident”:  Favored by economists and mathematicians; a neutral, non-partisan descriptor

—  “Insurrection”:  Currently trending; not to be confused with “Resurrection,” the first choice of a splinter group of Bible College faculty in Arkansas

—  “Erectile Dysfunction”:  Preferred by psychologists who see the event as a cry for help on the part of working-class white males experiencing “endowment issues”

—  “The Riot to End All Riots”:  Proposed by historians who study the Victorian era; these scholars become exceedingly nervous when observing couples arguing in a restaurant

—  “Mutiny”:  The choice of Oceanography professors who don’t understand what “mutiny” means

—  “Act of Sedition”:  Fans of the 1980s punk-Rastafarian band bearing this name claim the January 6th event closely resembles a raucous performance given by the group at the Sweat Stain Lounge in Brooklyn, NY in June 1987; police intervention was required

—  “Uprising”:  Many soil scientists believe this term best captures the miasma of the January 6th participants clawing their way out of the primordial ooze

—  “Political Flesh Performance Art”:  The choice of  nearly all postmodernists, many anthropologists, and Taylor Swift

—  “Devil Dance of the Deplorables”:  Hillary Clinton offered this suggestion during her keynote speech opening the conference; the phrase has been officially deemed “hurtful” by the Feelings Caucus of the American Sociological Association

The results of the conference vote will be announced at halftime of the Browns/Chiefs NFL playoff game on Sunday, January 17th on CBS.  President-elect Biden has promised to use the winning term or phrase in all of his public statements regarding the event in question. 

 

 

 

Least Surprising True Fact in North America:  The scandal-ridden University of Michigan has hired a consulting firm to help the school “change the culture of sexual misconduct surrounding numerous accused faculty members,” according to The Detroit News.  

What is raising eyebrows, however, is the no-nonsense approach taken by this firm, an approach signaled by the company’s name: Keep It in Your Pants, Inc.  

University Life reporter Skip Wardlow recently interviewed the firm’s founder and CEO, retired U. S. Army Brigadier General Ted “Titanium Butt” Stent.  Here is a transcript of the conversation:

UL:  “What’s the key message you try to communicate in your consulting and training?”

Stent:  “Just ‘keep it in your pants’.  It’s as simple as that, son.”

UL:  “And how exactly do you communicate that message?”

Stent:  “We get people together in a classroom, in groups of 20 or so, and give them a brief PowerPoint presentation.  The first slide contains a single sentence in bold and all CAPS: ‘KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS’.” 

UL:  “And then what?”

Stent:  “Well, since we never use the P-word in our work, we present a second slide that shows four numbered photos: a baseball cap (#1), an avocado (#2), a chipmunk (#3), and a penis (#4).  We ask people to write down the number that corresponds to the ‘it’ that was mentioned in the first slide.  We do this because we want to make sure that folks know what the ‘it’ is that men are supposed to keep in their pants.”

UL:  “Why don’t you just use the word ‘penis’ when you present the first slide?”

Stent:  “That word can be a trauma trigger for some people, and cause them to hyperventilate.”

UL:  “But can’t photo #4 produce the same reaction?”

Stent:  “You would think so, but it almost never does.  It’s the damnedest thing.  In any event, just to be safe, at every training session we have in attendance a nurse, a paramedic, an aromatherapist, and a certified Reiki specialist.”

UL:  “I see.  So what happens after you determine that everyone knows what ‘it’ refers to?”

Stent:  “We discuss the consequences of NOT keeping it in your pants.”

UL:  “How do you that?”

Stent:  “I place a carrot about six inches long on top of the table at the front of the room.  Then I take a piece of lead pipe out of my briefcase, raise the pipe over my head in my right hand, and come down on that carrot like a vengeful God high on PCP, screaming ‘I will smite thee, O Serpent of Satan!’  When pipe meets carrot, it produces a sound that you wouldn’t believe.  I’ve shattered more than my share of table tops over the past few years.”

UL:  “Holy crap!  How do people respond when they see that?”

Stent:  “A lot of the men throw up, but most of the females either clap or cheer.  Skip, there’s a whole bunch of angry womenfolk out there.”

NOTE:  University of Michigan President Mark Schlissel says that he anticipates “a significant culture change at the school in the coming months.  Listen carefully, and you’ll hear the buzz of zippers being soldered shut all over campus.”