On a Scale of…….

RateMyProfessors, the infamous student-evaluation-of-faculty website whose relationship to verifiable fact is indeed Trumpian, recently dropped its chili-pepper ratings of instructors’ “hotness” in response to charges of sexism (no joke). 

A noble gesture, to be sure, but let’s be clear: RMP has ushered in a Golden Age of student-initiated faculty-review websites.  Here are a few of the specialized sites that have gained significant traction in the past several months:

Nate, My Professor:  Only provides ratings of professors named “Nate.”

Ate My Professor:  The brainchild of Hannibal Lecter’s grandson, Winston “Cheeseboy” Lecter, who is serving three consecutive life terms at San Quentin.  This is more of a Zagat-style dining guide than a site for finding evaluations of teaching quality.  Humanities professors get very high ratings (“overall, very tender”), while Management profs receive relatively low ones (“too much gristle”). 

Date My Professor:  Published by the anarchist student group LUAD (Leave Us Alone, Dammit!), it takes the position that there should be no restrictions on students dating their professors.  WARNING: Ratings are very explicit with extensive narratives, and often include photos, drawings, and/or claymation exhibits.

Mutate My Professor:  Faculty are described in terms of the animals their teaching styles most closely resemble.  (“Professor Willis prowls the classroom like a cheetah stalking its prey on the Serengeti Plain.  Has been known to claw the shirt off a student’s back with her fingernails.”  “A sloth in appearance and behavior, Professor Tyler frequently falls asleep curled up on his desk during exams, surrounding himself with leaves, twigs, and branches.”)

Bait My Professor:  A politically conservative site where students taunt their instructors, tempting them to respond in an ill-considered fashion (“Bite me!”) that will get them fired by nervous administrators.

Inflate My Professor:  A site for sucking up to faculty in order to obtain good grades (“Professor Graven taught me to love photosynthesis in a way I thought would never be possible!”).  All reviews are signed and forwarded to the relevant faculty member.

Sedate My Professor:  Ratings of hyperactive, over-enthusiastic teachers.  Offers a variety of coping strategies (e.g., “Don’t go to class”; “Arrive late”; “Leave early”).

Nitrate My Professor:  Terrorist website maintained by Al-Qaeda followers who are hostile to higher education.  Do not click on the emoji that has a fuse sticking out of a bowling ball!

Coming soon…..a site that features nothing but chili peppers.