Eyebrows were raised across the higher education landscape recently when CBS Sports reported that the new defensive coordinator of the Penn State football team, Jim Knowles, would earn an average salary of $3.1 million per year, which is more than any public-college president was paid in 2023.
At a press conference on Friday, Penn State President Neeli Bendapudi vigorously defended the salary of the assistant coach, noting that his job will encompass a variety of roles. These include:
Chastity Advisor: For players who wish to remain celibate during the football season, Mr. Knowles will provide guidance on how to do exactly that. He will be responsible for developing a 5-week “Zippers Up” training program that will feature PowerPoint and video presentations, as well as an annual “Purge the Urge” lecture. Coach Knowles will also serve as a date chaperone upon request.
Concussion Tutor: Team members who are sidelined due to a Grade 3 concussion must attend study sessions to ensure that they don’t fall behind academically. During these sessions, Mr. Knowles will administer current-events quizzes and autobiographical inventories (“What is your name? Where were you born? What position do you play?”).
Package Store Liaison: Coach Knowles will make all alcohol purchases for players under 21, the legal drinking age in Pennsylvania.
Portal Greeter: The transfer portal for incoming players surfaces in Parking Lot 44 of Beaver Stadium on the PSU campus. Whenever a new player arrives, Mr. Knowles will be there to lift the manhole cover on Parking Space 73 and welcome the young man to Penn State.
Mischief Fixer: Let’s be honest. Guys bursting with testosterone sometimes get into “trouble.” Coach Knowles will establish relationships with police departments in the region so that, when an incident occurs, alternatives to arrest can be deployed. Sometimes, all that is needed in the aftermath of a bar fight with multiple stab wounds is a “stern talking to,” which gives the miscreant an opportunity to redirect his anger to the gridiron on Saturday afternoon.
Worship Driver: For players without a car who desire to attend off-campus religious services on Sunday mornings, Mr. Knowles will provide transportation using his personal vehicle.
Seat Scraper: After home games, Coach Knowles will examine the underside of every one of Beaver Stadium’s 106,572 seats and remove any chewing gum he discovers.
“I think you’ll agree with me,” President Bendapudi told reporters, “that Penn State will be getting more than its money’s worth from Coach Knowles.”