Irritated faculty members routinely take no-confidence votes in their leaders, such as the one that preceded the recent resignation of the embattled President at Oregon State University.
Unfortunately, as a linguistic device the phrase “no confidence” is lame. It lacks intensity, evoking an image of disinterested parents watching their nerd-child attempt a free throw in a middle-school basketball game and thinking, “yep, we have no confidence that our kid is gonna make this shot.” Yawn.
With this limitation in mind, the Faculty Senate at the University of Vermont has decided to bring some bona fide roid rage to the table. On Wednesday it introduced a hard-hitting no-confidence indicator that is destined to become the gold standard for such judgments at colleges and universities across the country.
Dubbed the Get the Hell Out of Dodge Scale, it allows faculty to repudiate a deficient President at any one of eight levels of intensity:
1. “You Suck at Your Job”
2. “You Suck at Your Job, and You’re Arrogant”
3. “You Suck at Your Job, You’re Arrogant, and You Lie Most of the Time”
4. “You Suck at Your Job, You’re Arrogant, and You Lie ALL of the Time”
5. “All of the above, plus You Drive a Cherry-Red Tesla with ‘The Prez’ Stenciled on its Doors, Trunk, Hood, and Roof”
6. “All of the above, plus You Once Told a Reporter that You Consider Tenured Professors to be the Dinosaur Poop of the University: Ancient and Useless”
7. “All of the above, plus You Helped Drug Lord El Chapo Escape from Prison Twice”
8. “You’re Satan; We Recommend that the Board of Regents Strip You Naked, Tie You to a Stake in the Desert, Cover Your Body with Honey, and Let the Fire Ants Do Their Thing. This Event Should be Celebrated Annually as a University Holiday, and include a Parade and Student/Faculty Softball Game”
Laminated copies of the scale may be obtained from the University of Vermont Faculty Senate.