Dazed, terrified faculty members and administrators are careening down the hallways of higher education during Trump 2.0, crashing into water fountains and trash bins. They have many questions. As a service to University Life readers, here are answers to the 10 most frequent queries, according to our resident panel of experts:
Q: How will issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion be handled on my campus?
The terms “diversity,” “equity,” and “inclusion” no longer exist. Check your Merriam-Webster online dictionary. When you type in those words you’ll get the following response: “The word you entered isn’t in the dictionary.” Problem solved.
Q: What will become of tenured faculty?
Legally, tenured faculty are now regarded as undocumented immigrants. They should leave the country before ICE shows up at their classroom.
Q: In terms of research, will the designations R1, R2, and Doctoral/Professional Universities continue to be used to categorize institutions of higher education?
No. According to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, “research is no longer something that universities will be doing. All scientific investigation in the United States will be carried out by the Centers for Disease Control, which will be exploring the link between measles vaccine and rabies. The days of our children foaming at the mouth must come to an end.”
Q: What will future college students major in?
It depends on where you go to school. At Ivy League institutions, Stanford, and the University of Chicago, you will major in either Inheritance Management or Art History. At all other schools you can choose between Lithium Mining and Barista Supervision.
Q: Will trans women be permitted to participate in female collegiate sports?
You’re kidding, right?
Q: Will higher education continue to play a significant role in upward social and economic mobility?
Yes, for those who marry graduates of the Ivy League, Stanford, or the University of Chicago.
Q: Exactly how nervous are college and university presidents right now?
Amazon reports that online sales of Depend undergarments to college presidents have increased by 640% in 2025, compared to a year ago.
Q: Will courses that emphasize critical thinking still be offered?
Only as electives, not as part of the core curriculum. As Secretary McMahon put it, “critical thinking is not for everybody.”
Q: What will Linda McMahon do after she shuts down the Department of Education?
She will become Director of the Measles-Rabies Research Collaborative at the Centers for Disease Control.
Q: Overall, how bad are things likely to get in higher education over the next four years?
Did you see the movie version of “Cats”? Imagine seeing it twice…while prepping for a colonoscopy.