The U. S. Department of Education recently announced that it is accepting applications for new accreditation agencies in higher education (Chronicle of Higher Education, May 1st online).
The first such application received by the Department was on May 3rd from Deity Consultants in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. According to the Reverend Carl Masblad, Deity’s Executive Director, the agency will specialize in accrediting religious institutions, including Bible colleges.
Speaking from the organization’s headquarters in a repurposed Mister Softee ice cream truck at a rest area on Rte. 41 in Murfreesboro, Reverend Masblad pledged to “uphold the most rigorous academic and theological standards when evaluating institutions that seek our accreditation. For example, how many unabridged Bibles does your school have? Do the Bibles contain inspirational color illustrations or photographs of Jesus Christ and his Apostles spreading the Word of God in rural, urban, and suburban areas? How often does God the Father visit your campus to provide guidance to the Faculty Senate? Is the concept of the Virgin Birth respectfully explained in Biology courses? Do Chemistry labs address the process of turning water into wine — and back again? In Forensic Science classes, is instruction provided in distinguishing between true and false gods? Can undergraduates do internships in Hell — or, failing that, Bayonne, New Jersey?”
The accreditation staff will consist of Reverend Masblad, his nephew Scooter (when he’s released from prison), and Scooter’s 15-year-old bride Nadine, who is pregnant with what everyone hopes is Scooter’s child.
Linda McMahon, Secretary of Education, has reviewed Deity’s application and given it a tentative thumbs up. “I like the fact that at Deity you’ll be able to get your institution accredited while ordering a vanilla cone with chocolate sprinkles,” says McMahon.