As the Trump administration lurches through the china shop of higher education, smashing display cases at every turn, professors around the country are soiling their undergarments faster than you can say, “bad burrito.”
Take a deep breath. There are more constructive ways of managing one’s panic.
On Thursday, the American Association of University Professors offered 10 suggestions for how faculty members can proactively respond to the raging bull that is poking its steam-snorting snout through the double doors of their institutions. Here they are:
Begin hoarding toner for your printer. Severing supply lines is a classic military tactic. The current administration will do everything in its power to prevent you from posting resistance-advocacy flyers all over campus.
Bake. That’s right: BAKE. Preparing mouth-watering desserts for colleagues can distract you from the soul-crushing daily reports on the PBS NewsHour. And who doesn’t love blueberry muffins?
If your school does not have a network of underground tunnels, get thee to an ACE Hardware store ASAP and purchase a shovel. Prepare to hide out until the end of President Vance’s second term in 2036. Don’t forget the ramen noodles and bottled water.
Please: no more impassioned calls for slavery reparations during your Calculus I lectures. Don’t make yourself an easy target.
Stream the movie “Braveheart.” No matter what the current administration does to your college or university, it probably won’t be as bad as what happens to Mel Gibson at the end of “Braveheart.” Probably.
Before going home every day, check a book out of your school’s library. The President doesn’t read books, and he doesn’t like it when other people read books. It’s time to begin stocking your tunnel-based Library-in-Exile.
Develop expertise in sports betting. Division I football and basketball are the only higher-education activities that are likely to survive the Trump administration. Unless you’re a coach, you’re going to have to find a new source of income.
Fortify the perimeter of your office with sandbags and razor wire. You’ll definitely need to do this if you’re not going to build tunnels.
Resign from your institution’s Core-Curriculum-Revision Task Force. Let’s be honest. What’s the point?
Apply for a staff job writing answers for “Jeopardy.” In several years, this will be one of the few positions in the United States requiring a doctoral degree. Act now and avoid the rush.
Good luck.