On Thursday, Secretary of Education Linda McMahon announced that, beginning in January 2026, the syllabus for every undergraduate course in the country must explain HOW that course will make students “job ready.”
“College students in this nation spend way too much of their time learning about stuff that has no practical value,” said McMahon. “What can a 19-year-old do with the abstract fluff gained in a philosophy course on Morality and Ethics? Absolutely nothing. On the other hand, a course in Strategic Bribery would give them the tools required to be successful in all sorts of work-related endeavors. How do you think I got my job? You need to know when the time is right to grease someone’s palm with a C-note, and when it makes more sense to pull hard on their private parts with a pair of rusty pliers.
“Another example: history courses on Slavery in the United States. What are they going to accomplish other than make students depressed, angry, and averse to vacationing in Mississippi? That’s not the way to build a competent workforce. Far better to reframe this subject as a management seminar on Coercive Teambuilding in the Agricultural Sector. There may come a time in the not-too-distant-future when this assertively artisanal approach to harvesting crops justifiably returns to the South as our economy recovers from the devastation caused by the Biden administration.
“I encourage professors to start reviewing their syllabi now, before it’s too late. The last thing our country needs is more courses devoted to Madonna-and-Child Art of the Renaissance, unless instructors provide time machines in the classroom that can transport students back to the 15th century for job interviews.
“What we do need are courses that teach students how to pack a freakin’ grocery bag at Safeway without crushing the grapes and tomatoes under the canned goods and 12-packs of Mountain Dew. That’s a skill that will help them compete in today’s highly competitive retail labor market. Let’s give these young people a degree that will mean something.
“Seize the day, faculty members of America, before I show up on your campus bearing pliers.”