The NCAA’s beleaguered PAC-12 took a big step in its comeback on Monday, announcing that Texas State University in San Marcos will join the conference in 2026 (ESPN online, June 30th).
“We’re not going to stop here,” vowed PAC-12 Commissioner Teresa Gould, as she named the eight additional conference members that will arrive in 2027 to play football. Here they are:
Stonewall Jackson Middle School (Mobile, Alabama)
Team Nickname: “The Screaming Mullets”
Gould acknowledges that the average age of students on Stonewall’s football team is only 12, but notes that “they grow them beefy down there in Mobile. You can get steroid-fortified French toast and pork-rind smoothies in the school’s cafeteria. These kids will do just fine.”
York Correctional Institution for Women (Niantic, Connecticut)
Team Nickname: “The Debutantes”
“The PAC-12 is fully committed to sports equality for women,” says Gould. “If you think York’s football team won’t be tough, consider the following: two-thirds of its members are serving 20-years-to-life for shooting their husbands. Their pass rush is going to be FIERCE!”
Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s Brain Parasites (Wherever RFK Jr. is)
Team Nickname: “The Squirmers”
“I guarantee you, this team will be smart and scrappy. Heck, they’re responsible for our nation’s health care policy.”
The Evening Shift at Jersey Mike’s sub shop (Trenton, New Jersey)
Team Nickname: “The Slicers”
“They’re from Jersey, so they’re almost as tough as the Niantic crew.”
Greenwich Village Animal Shelter (New York City)
Team Nickname: “The Cujos”
“This team of wild dogs may or may not be rabid, but its motto is, ‘There will be blood’. Enough said. God help Cujo’s opponents.”
Setting Sun Assisted Living Facility (Sarasota, Florida)
Team Nickname: “The Jigsawers”
“Fielding a competitive squad is going to be a challenge for them initially, but if they take advantage of the transfer portal, these folks will be fine in a few years.”
Roomful of Roombas (Philadelphia luxury condo)
Team Nickname: “The Sweepers”
“Okay, robotic vacuums are not a sentient life form, but neither is ChatGPT, and that’s become a core component of college life. Check your moral indignation at the door and admire the finely tuned pass patterns the Sweepers will execute on the field.”
MS-13 Gang (San Miguel, El Salvador)
Team Nickname: “The Glocks”
“In order to give the PAC-12 an international flavor, we invited the MS-13 Gang to join. Trust me, they’ll be a dominant force in the Conference. By the way, I’m speaking to you from the trunk of a 1973 Volkswagen.”
Yep, the PAC is back with a vengeance. And college football is the better for it.