As elite colleges and universities scramble to dodge the heat-seeking missiles fired at them by the Trump administration, a few are taking a more proactive approach. Here are five creative examples:
Dartmouth College: The school has agreed to establish an Institute for the Study of White Achievement. The Institute will highlight the many accomplishments of pale people throughout history, beginning with Harald Fairhair (850-932), who was the first King of Norway. An entire wing will be devoted to Eric Trump.
“This day has been a long time coming,” says Dartmouth President Sian Beilock. “For centuries, the pasty-complexioned among us have been relegated to the margins by leftist scholars who have ignored their contributions. At Dartmouth, where the pristine whiteness of our winter snowfalls is so dazzling that it can blind a caribou, we plan to rectify that neglect.”
The Ohio State University: In January 2026, the University will open the Melania Trump Center for Supermodel Preservation. The Center will serve as a clearinghouse for research on anti-aging ointments, creams, and gels, as well as cutting-edge investigations that focus on gravity-defying scaffolding techniques for the female bosom-al region (FBR).
As the First Lady recently put it, “there is no reason that Christie Brinkley shouldn’t look like Christie Brinkley FOREVER!”
Cornell University: Construction has begun on the Museum of Wall History, which will address the crucial role that walls have played in advancing civilization. Exhibits will include the U. S. Border Wall, the Great Wall of China, Donnie and Mark Wahlberg, and Walgreens.
Stanford University: “Man/woman…..boy/girl…..shepherd/sheep; it’s all about nature dividing us into two sexes,” President Donald Trump proclaimed at the groundbreaking ceremony for the Foundation for Research on the Heterosexuals in Palo Alto. “It’s crucial that every American understand how all of creation is anchored in the missionary position taken during the sexuals by the male and female of every species, including birds and horses. The era of confusing our young people about who does what to whom is over!”
Boston University: The school’s Department of Criminal Justice will house the Center for the Study of Joe Biden’s Crimes Against Humanity. At a reception celebrating the creation of the Center, FBI Director Kash Patel assured attendees that “Mr. Biden will be held accountable for his misdeeds both during and prior to his term as President, including the manufacturing of fake birth certificates for Barack Obama, Gavin Newsom, and George Romney.”
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Is your institution ready?