The benefits to the United States of having a Chicago-born Pope are already becoming evident.
At his inaugural Mass on May 18th in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo XIV announced in his homily that all donations collected during the Offertory would be sent to Harvard University.
“Harvard is to education what the Vatican is to religion,” said the Pope. “It is a shrine that honors indisputable truths and divine architecture. The slashing of federal grants to this great institution by the Antichrist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, must not go unanswered. The Catholic Church has your back, Harvard.”
At a press conference the next day, Harvard President Alan Garber struggled to maintain his composure. “This gesture on the part of Pope Leo is beyond generous,” said Garber. “In appreciation, we will begin every class meeting on our campus in the Fall 2025 semester with a mini-Mass and a group shout-out to Rome on Tik Tok coordinated by the instructor. It’s the least we can do.”
Vatican officials report that Sunday’s “Campaign for the Crimson” netted 63 euros, 2 Pandora rosary-bead bracelets, and a Shohei Ohtani baseball card in near-mint condition.