“Feeling Depleted? A Guide to Faculty Renewal” is the title of a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article devoted to re-energizing dispirited college professors (January 7th online).
The authors do an excellent job when it comes to identifying the four ingredients that are needed for the renewal process, but outdated norms of civility prevent them from fully exploring that process. It’s time to get real, folks. The following suggestions for mixing these ingredients are better suited to our Trumpian era.
TIME AWAY: Using sabbaticals, spring breaks, and summer vacations to “get away” is for wusses. Be aggressive. Inform your department chair at the beginning of February that you won’t be meeting any of your classes for the entire month. If the chair balks, simply say, “I know where you live and, by the way, how is 5-year-old Timmy doing? Such a beautiful child!” Flash a deranged smile when delivering that last sentence.
REFLECTION AND GOAL SETTING: Your promotion to Associate Professor was denied last year, with the letter from the Tenure and Promotion Committee noting that you have yet to write a single chapter of the book you claimed to have been working on for the past five years: “Stirring the Hive: The Revolt of Indigenous Beekeepers in 17th-Century Scotland.”
Contemplating this insult is the kindling for the fury that rages within you. It is now time to transform that fury into a measurable objective: going to the home of every member of the T & P Committee and keying their car.
COMMUNITY: Assemble your attack team: that eccentric Math professor who insists on calling people “earthlings” rather than using their names; the Business School lecturer who responds to every colleague’s utterance with a facial expression that suggests the suffering associated with a severely impacted colon; and the alienated server in the faculty dining room who has been disciplined more than once for spitting into the tureen of minestrone.
CLEAR NEXT STEPS: In the faculty parking lot, identify the cars you intend to key on Revenge Night. Double-check their license plates to ensure that no innocents are targeted. Organize a practice session for the team at an auto junkyard. Buy camouflage outfits, including ICE-type head coverings, for all members of the team. Choose a time for the attack, preferably a moonless night between 1 and 3 am.
Treat the team to pizza and beer on the evening of the mission.
Execute the mission.
Return to your classes the following month, knowing that there is no challenge in academia you can’t handle.
And continue to avoid the minestrone.