Michigan State University recently announced that Rocket Mortgage will become the “presenting sponsor” of its men’s basketball team. Throughout MSU’s Breslin Student Events Center (where home games are played), the team will be known as the “MSU Spartans Presented by Rocket Mortgage” (MSU Athletics Website, updated March 12th).
The funding bonanza for MSU resulting from this agreement has not been lost on Our Lady of the Sycamores College, a small Catholic women’s institution in Knoxville, Tennessee.
On Wednesday the school revealed that it had entered into a relationship with divinity powerhouse Almighty God, in which the college’s lacrosse team, the Saplings, will become the “Sycamore Saplings Sponsored by the Virgin Mary.”
According to OLSC President Monica Xambor-O’Banyon, “the Virgin Mary is a huge fan of women’s lacrosse — she played as a teenager and felt empowered by the experience. Her fortune exceeds that of Jeff Bezos’s ex-wife. Mary spends very little money on herself, though she does collect 16th-century jade rosaries and uses an exotic Ecuadorian skin cream made from angels’ tears and vanilla yogurt. I can promise you that our team’s locker room is going to get a serious upgrade next year.”
When asked if the terms of the Virgin’s sponsorship mandate chastity on the part of team members during the season, the President indicated that privacy laws prohibited her from commenting. However, she did note — with a wink — that Michigan State’s agreement with Rocket Mortgage does not require its players to make a down payment on a house in order to remain with the team.