The total number of new tenure-track positions available at U. S. colleges and universities is expected to drop to FIVE in the fall of 2027, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
This number does not bode well for graduate students currently working on their doctoral dissertations. These individuals are in desperate need of a Plan B. Fortunately, one is readily available: authoring a bestselling book on leadership.
The American professional class has an insatiable appetite for books on leadership; it consumes them with the same fervor that Joey Chestnut displays when gorging himself on wieners at Coney Island’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Of course, you might be saying to yourself right now, “My dissertation focuses on rare strains of amoebic dysentery found in luxury resorts in Acapulco. What do I know about leadership?”
Relax. We live in a post-knowledge era. All you need to do is follow these 15 easy steps:
- Obtain a pair of dice. Throw one die in the trash and roll the other one. The number that comes up represents the number of factors in your leadership model.
- Pick any participle that represents action (e.g., “launching,” “propelling,” “selling”).
- Pick any noun that captures the meaning of “vision.” Better yet, just use the word “vision.”
- Use Steps 1, 2, and 3 to assemble the book’s title (e.g., “Harnessing Your Vision: The Four Keys to Effective Leadership”).
- Select the nouns that will correspond to the number of factors in your title. Any nouns will do (e.g., “fortitude,” “bacon,” “initiative,” “spackle”).
- It’s time to write the text for the book, addressing the leadership factors you identified in Step 5. Doing this will be much easier than you think (e.g., “Successfully leading your organization is like frying bacon. Too much heat, and it will be burnt and crumbly. Too little, and you’ll end up with the limp, soggy, slimy mess they serve in England.”). If you encounter writer’s block, smoke a little weed. If that doesn’t work, smoke more.
- Self-publish 10 copies of your book.
- Drive to the nearest airport.
- Buy the cheapest round-trip ticket you can. The destination is irrelevant. Your goal here is to gain access to the bookstores on the other side of airport security.
- Place 5 copies of the book in a carousel for self-help books near the departure gate for your flight. Make sure to paste a label inside each copy that includes the book’s price and your home address (from which additional copies can be ordered).
- Get on the plane.
- When you arrive at your destination, repeat Step 10.
- Fly home and wait for the orders to arrive.
- When the number of orders reaches 100 (don’t worry, it will), approach HarperCollins and Simon & Schuster. Start a bidding war.
- Get rich. Occasionally make a donation to a charitable organization that provides emergency shelter for homeless adjunct faculty. Send a complimentary copy of your book to the advisor of the dissertation you abandoned.
You can do this. Get busy.