In what appears to be a first in modern U.S. higher education, a university has appointed a President who does not possess a college degree. At a press conference yesterday the University of Oklahoma announced that its next leader will be Mr. Timothy “Sparky” Cretch, a 22-year-old high school dropout with extensive experience in website design.
According to Clayton Bennett, Chair of the University’s Board of Regents, “In the fierce, steel-cage death match that characterizes competition for college students today, a school without a killer website is toast. Mr. Cretch is widely regarded as the premier website designer of his generation. His Oregon company — Scroll, Baby, Scroll! — has grown from a $15,000 start-up in 2011, specializing in the development of sites for marijuana dispensaries and 10-lane bowling alleys, into a $325 million industry giant that works with numerous Fortune 500 companies and governments of foreign countries. Sparky is the real deal! Higher education is about more than just having a good Division I football team. Prospective students want to interact with a website that provides them with a totally immersive scroll-and-click experience. We don’t want you to simply ‘visit’ the Oklahoma website, we want you to climb inside its welcoming womb and be bathed in the nurturing amniotic fluid of our institution’s culture. By the time you emerge, you’ll literally be drenched in your desire to become a Sooner.”
Mr. Timlin, who appeared at the press conference attired in cargo shorts, deck shoes, an inside-out Portland Trail Blazers tee shirt, and an Oregon Ducks baseball cap, joked that “I’ll probably have to buy myself some Oklahoma gear in the next few days, but I know that being President here is going to be AWESOME! We’re going to have the first website in the country that provides a Five Senses Tour of the campus. You’ll actually be able to smell the lawn on our quad, taste the ice cream in our cafeteria by licking the screen, and feel your body splash in the water of one of our Olympic-size residence hall swimming pools. We’re going to blow away every other college website in the country. But what’s up with this ‘Sooner’ nickname? ‘Sooner’ than what, exactly? I don’t get it. It’s gotta go.”