University Life

True Fact:  Southern New Hampshire University recently announced that its incoming Fall 2020 freshmen would pay NO TUITION for their first year at the school.  That’s right — these students will attend SNHU tuition-free for one year.

Wow.  

One imagines SNHU President Paul LeBlanc delivering this bombshell to a bunch of college and university presidents at a TED Talk, then dropping his microphone on the stage as he saunters off, flashing a sly smile that says, “Top that, boys and girls!  At SNHU, we put the ‘dis’ in ‘disruption’.”  

Not so fast, Wonder Boy.

Candida College in Rutland, Vermont has responded with an offer that’s even more daring.  

At a press conference three days ago, Candida President Carson “Sonny” Tarpinsky indicated that not only would the upcoming academic year be tuition-free for its freshmen, it would also be the case that each of these students would be paid $10,000 by the school for attending in 2020-21.  Tarpinsky ended his prepared remarks by inviting President LeBlanc to “bite me.”

The proceedings took an awkward turn, however, when a reporter asked Tarpinsky about the financial implications of this offer for Candida, a school with an endowment of less than $2 million.  The President turned to Candida’s Chief Financial Officer, Len Honus, who silently mouthed the words “HOLY S**T!” and smacked his forehead while gazing at Tarpinsky.

Maintaining his cool, the President told the reporter that he would get back to her soon with an answer to that question.

In a related story, Rutland police are seeking the public’s help in locating Mr. Honus, who has not been seen since the press conference.  The police have identified the Mongo brothers, Jeremy and Jessie, as “persons of interest” in the case.  They were last spotted in the vicinity of Lake Bomoseen, near the town of Castleton, carrying a chainsaw and overstuffed duffel bag.  Anyone encountering the pair should call 911, and refrain from engaging them directly.  

 

 

Transitioning to online instruction during the COVID-19 crisis has been challenging for many professors and students, but in the midst of all this frustration the number of heartwarming episodes is growing.  Here are three of the more inspiring ones that have come to the attention of University Life:

—  Jake “Flipper” Swensen, a University of Florida sophomore, was beyond embarrassed when his bong exploded while he was taking an online exam in his Political Science course, Blondes in the Swedish Parliament.  His laptop was totalled, the keyboard drenched in water and hashish goo.  Rather than penalizing Flipper, Professor Roland Thunst sent him a replacement laptop at his own expense via Amazon Prime.  

Thunst observed that “accidents happen.  Hell, I was a poster child for LSD consumption during my graduate school days in the early 1970s.  Whoa, just had a flashback where my arms turn into pterodactyl wings.  Awesome!  But why do my feet look like cream cheese?”

“I wish our school had more professors like Dr. Thunst,” says Flipper.  “He gets me.”

—  English Professor Dwight Cuspy was a well-known campus curmudgeon at Franklin & Marshall College even before the pandemic, and being ordered to take his courses online did nothing to improve his temperament.  Perhaps it’s not surprising, then, that he played a nasty little practical joke on the students in his Southern Literature class, asking them to write an analytical essay on “The Dirt under McAfee’s Nails,” a novella by William Faulkner.  No such novella exists, and students spent an infuriating 24 hours scouring the Internet for it before Cuspy informed them of the deception. 

Brandon Yazpoh was not amused.  A disgruntled English major whose hobby was starting small fires, Yazpoh found out where Cuspy lived and proceeded to set his two-car garage ablaze in the middle of the night, burning it to the ground. 

As he walked back to his apartment after the incident, Yazpoh had an epiphany, realizing that what he had done was wrong — seriously wrong.  He went to the police and confessed, offering to organize a group of students to rebuild the garage, “just like an old-fashioned barn-raising.” 

The professor was so touched by the gesture that he chose not to press charges, and plans to write a letter of recommendation for Brandon when he applies to law school.  Says Cuspy: “I think we both learned a lot from this episode.”

—  At the University of Vermont, beloved Cinema Studies faculty member Marvin Quofmanian thought he was downloading a lecture on “Themes from Chekhov and Woody Allen in the Fast and Furious Franchise” for his class to view.  Unfortunately, he mistakenly downloaded a pornographic video showing him being spanked by a prostitute dressed as former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

Humiliated, Quofmanian was on the verge of ending his life by locking himself in a walk-in freezer at an abandoned Wendy’s, but his students intervened.   They organized a GoFundMe campaign that raised over $47,000, hoping to hire Meryl Streep to play Thatcher in a new spanking video that would co-star the professor and be directed by a student from the class.  Streep, of course, won an Academy Award for portraying the Prime Minister in the 2011 film “The Iron Lady.”

Streep accepted the role, saying that she was proud to do her part to help others during the pandemic.  She will donate the $47,000 to a local charity that funds petting zoos in juvenile detention facilities. 

Quofmanian was beside himself with joy and appreciation.  “To be in a video with Meryl Streep, doing what we’ll be doing — without shame — is beyond my wildest dreams.  These students are the best.  God bless them!”

Ouch…Ouch…Ouch!  In a good way. 

 

It’s no secret that many colleges and universities are terrified that large numbers of high school seniors will go online for their first year of college in Fall 2020, resulting in scores of semi-deserted brick-and-mortar campuses around the nation. 

As it turns out, higher education is not being paranoid.

Yesterday, the Pew Research Center released the results of a study indicating that virtually every college-bound senior in the United States plans to attend Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU), an online behemoth, in September.  

According to Pew Director of Survey Research Courtney Kennedy, “the only students who aren’t going to SNHU in the Fall are those who have been accepted by an Ivy League school or Liberty University, an evangelical Christian institution in Virginia.  What this means is that well over 2.5 million new students will enroll at SNHU over the next few months.”

The school’s Chief Marketing Officer, Alana Burns, is confident that SNHU will be ready for them: “We already serve about 87,000 online students.  Adding 2 or 3 million more should not be a problem.  As we like to say at SNHU, “We’ve got the bandwidth, if you’ve got the tuition.”

Couldn’t such a gigantic shift of students to one institution undermine the very foundations of higher education in America?

When SNHU President Paul LeBlanc was asked this question by a reporter, his response was immediate: “Well, I certainly hope so.  At SNHU, we’re all about market dominance.  We have no quarrel with the Ivy League educating the future Masters of the Universe.  We just want to educate everyone else, or at least give them credentials.  And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

What will happen to all those administrators, faculty, and staff now working at other institutions?

“Let’s face it,” LeBlanc observed, “the pandemic is likely to be with us for at least the next decade.  Do you have any idea how huge the demand is going to be for front-line, low-wage, underinsured health care workers?  These folks don’t grow on trees, you know.  It’s time for the higher education workforce to reinvent itself.  By the way, our new B.S. program in Ventilator Maintenance and Repair begins in January 2021.  If you’re a Literature Professor accustomed to teaching honors seminars with titles like Crucifixion Imagery in 16th-Century French Poetry, it might be a good idea to take off your Proustian wire-rim glasses, empty into the sink your shot glass full of absinthe, and get yourself a Pell Grant.  Spring 2021 classes begin on January 5th, and the SNHU application deadline is January 4th.”

Faculty near and far, please say hello to the future. 

With colleges and universities hemorrhaging alarming amounts of money due to the pandemic, institutions are searching for creative strategies to offset their losses.  Leading the way is Bucknell University in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania, which will offer a one-day virtual conference, The Toilet Paper Summit (TPS-1), on May 11th.  

According to Bucknell President John Bravman, “all the data indicate that severe toilet paper shortages will continue to plague the United States long after the COVID-19 crisis passes.  We plan to bring together scholars from around the globe to address this issue.”

Here is the tentative schedule for TPS-1:

9:00 am   Keynote Address — “Biological Necessity or Capitalist Control Mechanism? A Post-Modernist Perspective on Bowel Movements” — Nigel Wiffton-Pipsey, Professor of Philosophical Biology, King’s College London

10:00 am   “Folding vs. Scrunching TP in a Time of Scarcity: Implications of Findings from the 2020 Scandinavian Sanitary-Practices Survey”

11:00 am   “Repurposing the Sunday New York Times for Bathroom Use:  Which Sections Work Best?”

11:45 am   Breakout Session 1:  “Can the Toilet Paper Crisis Save the Newspaper Industry?”

11:45 am   Breakout Session 2:   “Damn, That Hurts!  Glossy Magazines and the Challenge of Delicate-Area Paper Cuts”  (Sponsored by the Aloe Foundation of North America)

12:30 pm   Lunch in Place

1:15 pm     “The Last Resort: Raiding Your Home Library”

2:00 pm     Breakout Session 3:  “Saying Goodbye to Your Favorite Novels:  Grief Management Strategies”  (Panel discussion with Ann Patchett, Zadie Smith, Richard Russo, and Margaret Atwood)

2:00 pm     Breakout Session 4:   “Wise Decision in Retrospect? Not Discarding Those Stacks of Unread New Yorkers”

2:45 pm      “Running Here, There, and Everywhere:  A Conversation with Survivors of the 1952 Spoiled Burrito Panic”  (Sponsored by Taco Bell)

3:45 pm      Ethics Roundtable:  “Public Restrooms, Toilet Paper Theft, and the Common Good” (Jared Kushner, Session Chair)

4:30 pm       Closing Plenary: “Bridge Over Troubled Water” performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir — Mike Pence, Guest Soloist

Registration for the Conference is $250.  Partial scholarships are available for furloughed faculty.

 

 

 

Higher education experts believe that COVID-19 could bring many colleges and universities to their knees, but no one thought that the first major casualty would be the University of Kansas (KU), the state’s flagship institution.

At an April 2nd press conference, KU Chancellor Doug Girod announced that the University will close permanently at the end of the current academic year.  The reason: the NCAA’s cancellation of the 2020 men’s basketball tournament, which meant that the school’s #1-ranked Jayhawks would not get a chance to win the national championship.

Red-eyed and choked with emotion, Girod spoke without notes:

“Our record was 28 and 3 when the season was stolen from us.  This loss has simply been too much for our community to bear.  In Kansas, college basketball is all we have.  We’ve got no Major League baseball team, no NFL team, no NBA team, no NHL team.  Nothing!  If it weren’t for Dorothy saying ‘We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto’ in The Wizard of Oz, nobody would know our state even exists.

“We offered all of our players substantial financial incentives, siphoned from the budget of KU’s Office of Gender Equity, to come back next year, but as a group they have decided to enter the NBA draft.  Without them, who knows when we would be good enough to return to the Final Four?  Perhaps never.

“Our student body is bereft.  They live for March Madness.  KU’s Counseling Center is seeing a record number of cases of self-flagellation.  Some students have even tried to take their own lives by attaching themselves to basketballs with duct tape and jumping into nearby Clinton Lake, not realizing that the balls would keep them afloat rather than sink them.  Now their humiliation is total. 

“At an all-campus assembly immediately following the cancellation of the tournament, I tried to remind everyone that what’s important in life is the journey, not the destination, and that they should focus on the team’s glorious trip to 28 and 3.  Students and faculty responded by screaming ‘BULLSHIT!’

“I have to admit, I agree with them.  I feel so, so empty.  At this point, I think I can best fulfill my role as Chancellor by shepherding our beloved institution into the hereafter with dignity.  There are plenty of other schools in Kansas where students can get a………can get a………actually, let me get back to you on that. 

“Soar toward the light, Jayhawks, soar toward the light!”

Plans to transform the KU campus into an Amazon Fulfillment Center are pending.  Tenured full professors will be given preference when hiring begins.  

Many colleges and universities view the coronavirus as an existential threat. 

Not Harvard.

The school, with its $40 billion endowment, is using the COVID-19 crisis as an opportunity to consolidate its power.  On March 27th, Harvard President Lawrence Bacow contacted the governing boards of the seven other Ivy League institutions, offering to buy them out.  If his bold move succeeds, the Ivy League will consist of one school with eight campuses:

• Harvard Cambridge
• Harvard Ithaca
• Harvard Hanover
• Harvard New Jersey
• Harvard New Haven
• Harvard Philadelphia
• Harvard NYC
• Harvard Providence

According to Bacow, “this consolidation will enhance the ability of our institution to assign elite children to the Ivy League location that best suits their needs, or the needs of their parents, or the needs of the banking and consulting industries they will be joining after graduation.  Each campus will have a different focus.”  

Here’s the plan.  All quotes are from President Bacow. 

Harvard Cambridge:  The mothership, offering a standard elite curriculum.  “Lots of courses with no vocational value, but they make you an interesting person.”

Harvard Ithaca:  Will become the Harvard College of Agriculture, focusing on ice-cream products and yogurt. “Cornell’s on-campus Dairy Bar has always been the school’s core competency.  They have the best cows in the Ivy League.  We intend to make Ithaca the go-to place for education in this domain, and anticipate expanding into frozen custard and gelato.”

Harvard Hanover:  Soon to be the Harvard Institute of Snow and Alcohol Studies, where students can earn a BS in Snow Science or a BA in Problem Drinking.  “This is a perfect fit.  New Hampshire’s climate is highly supportive of the first major, and where the second major is concerned, data indicate that the typical Dartmouth student consumes his or her body weight in beer and vodka every three days.  These kids are wasted!”

Harvard New Jersey:  Will be known as The Antebellum Academy, offering a BA in Pre-Civil-War Studies.  “Let’s face it, Princeton University is basically a Southern plantation that was forced by the Civil Rights Movement to alter its groundskeeping employment practices and desegregate its debutante balls.  Let’s make some lemonade out of this lemon.”

Harvard New Haven:  Will be the home of the Harvard Thin-Crust Culinary Institute.  “New Haven is world-famous for its pizza and for its………well, for its pizza.  Students will be able to major in Mozzarella or Ricotta.”

Harvard Philadelphia:  “How does the “Balboa School of Performing and Fine Arts” sound to you?  The Rocky film series was based in Philadelphia.  Sylvester Stallone has agreed to serve as the School’s first Dean. Yo, Adrian!”

Harvard NYC:  The International Campus, where all foreign students will be enrolled, so that they can benefit from “the full American experience” that living in New York  City provides.  The Core Curriculum will include Subway Riding.

Harvard Providence:  “Unfortunately, we have no idea what we’re going to do with this location.  I mean, we’re talking here about Providence, Rhode Island, for God’s sake, and a school named after a color!  Maybe something with a maritime or aquarium theme would work.  Providence is on the water, right?”

While President Bacow hopes that the “New Harvard” will begin enrolling students in Fall 2021, some of his faculty are skeptical of the venture.  As one anonymous professor put it, “we all know that Bacow and his wife recently came down with the coronavirus, and are now self-quarantined.  When those two spend too much time alone, they get pretty squirrelly and generate wacky ideas.  Do you recall the Yak-in-a-Box fast-food franchise Harvard started last year?  How did that turn out?”

Stay tuned. 

After initially stating that Liberty University, an evangelical Christian institution in Virginia, would continue to hold in-person classes after Spring Break, President Jerry Falwell, Jr. announced on March 16th that these courses would be delivered online for the rest of the semester.  The reason given was Governor Ralph Northam’s decision to ban large gatherings in the state due to the coronavirus.

Hmm…… 

University Life has learned that the actual story is a bit more complicated.  Below is an authenticated transcript of a phone call that The Almighty made to President Falwell on the evening of March 15th.  Unfortunately, we cannot reveal how the transcript was obtained.  But, trust us, it’s real.

Falwell:  “G, it’s good to hear from you.” 

Almighty:  “You have Caller ID, I presume.”

Falwell:  “Bingo!  How the heck are you?  This virus you’ve put together is causing quite a stir.”

Almighty:  “I know.  That’s why I’m calling.  I notice that you don’t plan to transition Liberty to online classes after Spring Break.  What’s your reasoning, may I ask?”

Falwell:  “Logistically, it would be a nightmare.  Also, we’ve got a great bunch of kids here at Liberty.  Virtuous people don’t get sick.  We’re not a big party school like Tulane or Wake Forest, places where drunk, promiscuous undergrads are destined to go to Hell.”

Almighty:  “Really?  Is that how it works?”

Falwell:  “Pretty much.  Hey, G, it’s your universe, you designed it.”

Almighty:  “Yes, I’m aware of that.  And the virtuous don’t get sick because…..?”

Falwell:  “Prayer, it’s all about prayer.  Our kids pray all the time.  I’m talking serious, deep-dish, bow-your-head-to-your-navel-while-whacking-your-shoulders-with-a-nail-studded-mallet-prayer. And our students abstain from S…..E…..X,  or anything that might lead to it, like eye contact.”

Almighty:  “I see.  What about the elderly, Jerry?  How come they’re so susceptible to COVID-19?  They pray a lot, and most of them aren’t having much sex.”

Falwell:  “Good question, G.  But many senior citizens have lived pretty wicked lives, and now they’re paying the Price of Evil.  To be honest, it’s about time they did.  Thanks for thinning the herd.”

Almighty:  “Jerry, you worry me.  But that’s a conversation for another day.  You need to abide by the Governor’s ban and go online with your courses.”

Falwell:  “But Governor Northam is a Satan-worshiping Democrat who tortures kittens for sport!  How can you ask me to….”

Almighty:  “Jerry, I’m not asking you; I’m telling you.  Go online within seven days or I’ll have the Holy Ghost transform your genitals into rotting broccoli florets.”

Falwell:  “But……”

Almighty:  “Jerry…..”

Falwell:  “OK, OK…..but if you didn’t create this virus to punish the sinners among us, why did you do it?”

Almighty:  “Sports, mainly.  For one thing, the Major League Baseball season is way too long; it’s time to shorten it.  And March Madness is so over-hyped it makes me want to puke.  Conferences with nearly half of their schools getting into the tournament?  Are you kidding me?  Now, that’s evil.  Screw it.  Finally, if I had to listen to Jim Nantz utter the phrase “a tradition unlike any other” one more time while shilling for the Master’s Golf Tournament, I was going to nuke Augusta National and the rest of Georgia.  Oh, I forgot:  Joseph, my Son’s stepdad, wants to go into the hand-sanitizer business.  I promised him I’d help out.  The guy could use a break; I’ve always felt sorry for Joe.  Used to be a decent carpenter, but now, with the arthritis and cataracts, he’s lost.  Mary hardly gives him the time of day.”

Falwell:  “G, you’re the Man!”

Almighty:  “Why, yes…..yes I am.”

 

 

Dear ______:

When Spring Break is over, don’t even think about coming back here.  We’re serious.  Under no circumstances should you set foot on this campus.  We’ve put rattlesnakes in the residence halls.   Let’s face it, COVID-19 has won Round One. 

Please be aware that during your absence you will continue to be charged for three meals a day on your meal plan.  This is because our contract with the union that represents the food-service workers requires them to be paid in full even if there are no students to serve, and no meals to prepare.  Sorry, but if you recall, many of you marched in support of this demand two years ago when we were negotiating with the union.  Indeed, some of you threw dinner rolls and unopened jars of pasta sauce at the school’s President when he addressed this issue at the all-college meeting on the campus quad.

If you’re an international student and have returned to your home country, God help you, because we have absolutely no idea when we might see you again.  Perhaps never.  But that’s not an excuse for falling behind in your tuition payments.  Please have your parents contact us ASAP.  Don’t make our collection agents come looking for you.  These agents can be awfully “prickly,” to put it mildly, and are not constrained by the U.S. Criminal Code when working overseas. 

If you’ve checked out any books from the library, please……Ha-ha, just kidding!  Nobody has checked out a book from our library since 2002. 

The April 25^th Spring Concert featuring Red, an Ed Sheeran cover band, and opening act Simone (Kendrick Lamar’s second cousin) has been cancelled.  Tickets are not refundable, but can be used to purchase items from discontinued campus clothing lines at the bookstore.

We will make a good-faith attempt to provide you with online resources to finish all of your courses this semester, but keep in mind that our IT department is a one-man operation, and Todd hasn’t been the same since ingesting two plutonium-laced M&Ms at the Burning Man festival last summer.  Whatever you do, avoid sending him any email messages using ALL CAPS.

Please don’t complain to us about in-person classes being suspended for the rest of the term.  Our records indicate that most of you skip class about 70% of the time, and some of you don’t even know where your classes are held, so turn off the crocodile-tears faucet. 

Several professors have kindly provided us with final exams for your courses.  You have until May 10^th to complete them online:

Contemporary Literature (Dr. Johnson):  Read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, and then re-read it from back to front.  Does it make more sense the second time?  Explain your answer, and compare the book’s themes with those found in The Bridges of Madison County.

Remedial Algebra (Dr. Wheybourne-Twilley):  Assume x = 6.  Solve for x.  Show your work.

Introductory Sociology (Dr. Spawn):  Given that senior citizens are highly vulnerable to the coronavirus, can COVID-19 be held morally and/or legally accountable for being ageist?  Make sure to cite your sources.

Sociology Honors Seminar (Dr. Spawn):  Deconstruct society.  Then rebuild it, using only women.

Accounting 122 (Professor Korbst):  Pick any dollar amount less than $500.  Type it 250 times, using a different font each time.  Don’t copy your classmate’s amount.

Electoral Politics (Dr. Florf):  Would SNL’s Kate McKinnon have fared better than Elizabeth Warren in the Democratic primaries?  Support your argument with three examples from Meryl Streep’s film career.

The Spring 2020 graduation ceremony will be held on May 16^th, unless it isn’t.  We’ll keep you updated on Twitter.  A lot depends on how successful we are in finding the Registrar, who was last seen purchasing a keg of Johnnie Walker Red in a local liquor store on March 5^th.  If you encounter Ms. Tobin, please ask her to call us.   

We realize that these are difficult times for all of us.  Our first priority is the safety of our students, even the ones with low GPAs.  Toward that end, we will be sending each of you a container of hand sanitizer and a month’s supply of Purell-treated condoms or diaphragms.  Enjoy the rest of the semester, but be careful out there.  Your tuition matters!

TO:         Thorsten Grelk

               Dean, College of Arts and Sciences

FROM:   Hayden Yorftel

               Chair, Department of Psychology

I acknowledge receipt of your phone message yesterday requesting that I add a section of Introductory Psychology to the Spring 2020 schedule, which starts in three days.  You would like the course to be taught by an adjunct instructor of my choosing, and offered MWF at 8:00 am on a fishing trawler docked in Hammerfest, Norway, the site of our Midwestern university’s newest branch campus. 

Sorry, but this is not going to happen.  No way.  Your request is ill-advised for many reasons, most of which I would not expect a Dean to understand.  And just for the record, it makes no sense for our university to offer a 12-credit undergraduate certificate program in Cod Psychology in Hammerfest, since there is no such field as “Cod Psychology.”  I am offended that you established this program without soliciting input from the Psychology Department.

Please stop doing stupid things.  Thank you. 

TO:         Yasmine Starling-Grant

               Provost

FROM:   Denora Franzene

               Professor of History

Thanks so much for inviting me to chair the task force you are assembling to revise the College’s core curriculum.  Unfortunately, I must respectfully decline because the task force will include Professor Wendell Sorghum. 

How shall I put this?  Professor Sorghum is an idiot, a true monument to preening ignorance.  His views on virtually all subjects are painfully ill-informed, but presented with supreme confidence.  Getting him to shut up during a meeting usually requires setting off the building’s fire alarm, and even that doesn’t always work (and it annoys the fire department).  Wendell eats more than his share of snacks from the conference table, chews with his mouth open, and stares without blinking at my bosom for extended periods in a manner that suggests that he is watching the chariot race in Ben Hur.  He consistently shows up late for meetings without having read the background material, and then has the audacity to proclaim, “Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves!”

If Professor Sorghum were to serve on a task force I chaired, it would only be a matter of time before I attempted to strangle this bloviating little cockroach with my bare hands.  

Thanks, but no thanks.  Good luck with the task force.

TO:         Harold Dwerz

               Business Office

FROM:   Basil Lepson

               Assistant Professor of Chemistry

I have been informed that the reimbursement request I submitted for my dinner purchase of a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwich and a small soda ($5.83) at the recent American Chemical Society convention in Dallas has been denied.  The reason given is that I failed to provide a receipt.

My submission included a note indicating that I had been mugged after exiting the McDonald’s.  During this incident my wallet, which contained the receipt, was stolen, and I was pistol-whipped, resulting in a concussion and facial lacerations that necessitated a three-day hospital stay.  I now feel like I am being punished for eating in a sketchy part of town in an attempt to stay within the $7 dinner allowance that the University stipulates for junior faculty.  The pettiness of the Business Office’s response in this matter is indeed shocking.  Have I become a character in a Franz Kafka novella?  Please reconsider this decision.

TO:         Timothy Karff

               Math Major       

FROM:   Peyton Teffrondi

               Professor of Mathematics

Tim, you have indicated that you wish to be addressed in our Calculus II class as Qentor, Avenger of the 7^th Sun, noting that this name represents “your personal truth” much more accurately than your “pathetic Earthling label.”  You also would like me to acknowledge in class the presence of Panzeem, an invisible canine (half-bichon, half-coyote) that apparently accompanies you wherever you go on campus. 

Unfortunately, I’m afraid that I can do neither of those things.  Tim, you’re bats**t crazy.  I know that’s a controversial phrase to be using these days, but I’m pretty sure it’s justified in your case.  Something has come loose in your brain box, and it needs to get fixed.  A visit to the Counseling Center is in order.  May the Force be with you.

TO:         Griffin Caftan

               Chair, Department of English      

FROM:   Christine Hurl-Turbot

               Professor of English

Thanks for the syllabus template you sent to Department members yesterday.  The template indicates that each course objective should be stated in terms of the specific skills needed for at least three professional jobs included in any current dictionary of occupational titles. 

I’m having a difficult time doing this for the course, Egyptian Poetry from 1100 to 1250, which I plan to offer in the Fall 2020 semester.  Perhaps I’m thinking too narrowly, but I come up empty after listing the job of “poet.”  I’ve considered jobs that would place a premium on rhyming skills (e.g., writing jingles for TV commercials), but the fact is that 95% of all the rhymes covered in this course involve the word “sand.”  Any suggestions you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Heads up: In Spring 2021 I’ll be teaching a Special Topics course, How a Punctuation Mark Became the Large Intestine: A History of the Colon in Literature and Medicine.  I’ll probably need your help on this one as well.

Remember Silent Sam, the monument to a Confederate soldier that caused such a stir on the University of North Carolina’s Chapel Hill campus that a decision was made to give the statue, along with a $2.5 million trust fund, to an organization known as the “Sons of Confederate Veterans”?  Well, a superior court judge has ordered the Sons to return the monument to the UNC system, whose Board of Governors now has to figure out what to do with this controversial piece of cultural plutonium (Richmond County Daily Journal online, Feb. 26).

Well, a solution may be at hand.  Sources close to the Board of Governors indicate that a plan is in the works to attach water wings and a high-intensity halogen lamp to Sam, so that he can be strategically placed at the epicenter of the notoriously treacherous Bermuda Triangle in the North Atlantic, where he will serve as a “beacon buoy” for marine and air traffic.

According to UNC Board Chairman Randy Ramsey, “it’s only fitting that a symbol of a devastating defeat for the South should be redeemed by deploying it to prevent future disasters.  Bobbing on the surface of the sea, serving as an ever-vigilant sentry, Silent Sam will help guide ship captains and jet pilots to safety for the next hundred years.  We may have lost the war, but we will not let the turbulent waters of the briny deep claim any more of our sons and daughters, regardless of race, creed, color, sexual orientation, or sharecropping status.”

At long last, it looks like Silent Sam will be protecting everyone.