The University of Idaho recently canceled its plans to purchase the University of Phoenix, just two years after the University of Arkansas made a similar decision not to proceed with the acquisition of the for-profit institution (Chronicle of Higher Education, June 4th online).
What’s next for this behemoth of online higher education? Experts say that five candidates have emerged as leading contenders to take over the University of Phoenix. Here they are:
Olive Garden: Nearly 40% of all families in the United States go to Olive Garden for lunch on the day of their son’s or daughter’s graduation from college. According to Olive Garden President Dan Kiernan, “we are determined to increase that percentage to 70% in five years. Once we own the University of Phoenix, students will earn points toward our signature breadsticks and Velveeta/ketchup lasagna whenever they complete a 3-credit course. It’s the ultimate win-win!”
JCPenney: The beleaguered national retailer is expected to declare bankruptcy within the next eight months. “We intend to take somebody down with us,” vows CEO Marc Rosen.
The Catholic Church: Leo XIV, the new Pope, is committed to diversifying the Vatican’s business portfolio, according to a confidential source in the Office of Papal Affairs. “We also need to find places for Augustinian and Jesuit professors to teach when they age out of their institutions. Research shows that online courses can be successfully taught by the clinically dead, as long as ChatGPT is available to grade assignments.”
Jiffy Lube: “You can complete as many as three online courses while waiting for a single oil change at Jiffy Lube,” claims company President Edward Hymes. “Why waste your time reading a two-year-old copy of People magazine or Car and Driver in our waiting room when you can be on your smartphone earning college credit in an honors course on the history of bacon?”
Public Broadcasting Service/National Public Radio: With the Trump administration attempting to terminate all funding for these media stalwarts, PBS and NPR desperately need an infusion of tuition cash. “We’ll hold our noses and do what we have to do,” acknowledges PBS President Paula Kerger. “Yes, we’ll be offering a six-credit certificate program that will qualify you to be a senior reporter on the PBS NewsHour. Now please excuse me while I go throw up.”
May the highest bidder win.