In the aftermath of Donald J. Trump’s stunning victory on November 5th, institutions of higher education in the U. S. are in a frenzy, resembling crack-addicted chipmunks dancing on a hot pancake griddle as they attempt to prepare for what’s coming in January.
Here’s a sample of the reactions at colleges and universities around the country:
Yale Divinity School: YDS will host a national conference of theologians in mid-December focusing on the theme, “WTF is Up with The Almighty? Asleep at the Wheel, or Just Out to Get Us?” Paper submissions are due by Thanksgiving.
Boston University: Late Thursday night, seven professors from BU’s Women’s Studies program stuffed their pockets with rocks and jumped into the Charles River. A note found by police simply said: “Virginia Woolf made her statement. Now, we’re making ours. Have a good day. — Sisters in Solidarity with Melania”
Syracuse University: Beginning on Inauguration Day 2025, the Syracuse Orange will become the Syracuse Grape. Orange traffic cones will be banned from campus, as will all fruit bearing that name.
Wellesley College: The Theatre Department’s fall production of “Hello Dolly!” has been cancelled. Commencing December 1st, a Goth version of “The Handmaid’s Tale” will be performed on the campus quadrangle 3 times a day, 7 days a week, for the next 4 years, regardless of weather conditions.
Tufts University: The Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy will close and be replaced by the school’s first graduate institute of cosmetology. “It’s sad, but it’s not like we have a lot of choice,” says Fletcher’s Dean, Kelly Sims Gallagher. “Trump’s idea of foreign relations is appointing Hulk Hogan as Ambassador to Great Britain and Kid Rock as our NATO representative. I mean, what’s the point?”
United States Military Academy: No one has answered the phone at West Point since the night of November 5th. A sign at the entrance to the campus urges visitors to “shelter in place. We’ve got this. Watch CNN for breaking news. — Yours truly, Mark A. Milley, Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff”
Roger that.