The Midland College Board of Trustees recently voted to allow two companies to drill for oil on its Midland, Texas campus. The drilling is expected to generate approximately $20 million in revenue for the college over the next 25 years (Midland Reporter-Telegram, March 2nd online).
But what about universities that aren’t sitting atop a big ol’ bucket of crude? Not to worry. Consider the actions taken by creative administrators at these three well-known institutions of higher education.
New York University: The school has given Squeak Supply, Inc. — a New Jersey-based company that furnishes research institutes with rodents for laboratory experiments — permission to capture as many as 7,500 rats per month on its main campus in Greenwich Village.
According to NYU President Linda Mills, “this is New York City we’re talking about. We have many, many more rats in our buildings than we have students. Our motto is, ‘never sit down without checking first’. Squeak Supply is paying us $3.50 for every rat it retrieves. It’s a win-win if I ever saw one.”
Yale Law School: Empirical studies indicate that Yale Law professors have egos that are roughly three to five times the size of the average law school faculty member, including those at Harvard. Twice a year, medical technicians at Yale New Haven Hospital perform minimally invasive surgery on these professors to drain the excess egonic fluid from their brains.
“It’s a 15-minute, single-puncture procedure requiring only a local anesthetic,” claims Cristina Rodriguez, Dean of the Law School. “We sell the extracted fluid to companies that manufacture multi-vitamins for individuals suffering from low self-esteem. The university makes money, and we end up with faculty members who are much less of a pain in the ass to deal with.”
Oral Roberts University: Religious assemblies at the Tulsa, Oklahoma school typically generate enormous amounts of perspiration, as attendees become frenzied, writhing witnesses in the presence of the Almighty. At the end of each service, worshippers wipe their faces with hand towels that are later cut into squares, laminated, and sold as “wet relics” at evangelical conferences around the country.
Profits from these expensive collectibles are being used to fund construction of a Tramway to Heaven that will ascend from the school’s North Campus directly to the firmament (completion expected in time for the beginning of President Trump’s third term).
College presidents, it’s time to stop sitting on your assets. Get busy.