The Chronicle of Higher Education recently published a thought-provoking opinion piece entitled, “When Students Want You to Change Their Grades” (August 1, pp. 34-35). The appearance of this essay coincides with the release of University Life’s annual list of 10 Most Distinctive Requests for Grade Changes received by professors over the past 12 months. Here they are, unedited:
Dear Professor Tobias —
I would like to respectfully request that you change my final grade in your course from a B- to an A. As a young woman, I experience the B- as a hurtful triggering symbol. The B is clearly a visual depiction of the female bosom; the only things missing are nipples. And the minus sign is, without question, a phallic symbol poised to enter the cleavage provided by the B.
Thank you for your consideration. If you don’t change my grade, I will be filing a grievance and calling the police.
Dear Dr. Grafferson —
You gave me a C in your course. I want an A. I’m an only child. Do it.
Professor Sternhausen —
I acknowledge that I fully deserve the final grade of F I received in Introduction to Political Institutions. I didn’t turn in any of the assignments and failed both the midterm and final exams. However, if you had done a better job of teaching this course, I would have been more motivated to study and do the work. So, I think you bear part of the responsibility for what happened here. How do you feel about splitting the difference, and raising my grade to a C? Thanks.
Dear Dr. Orfshun —
The night before the final exam in your course I found out that I was pregnant, and the father is not even my boyfriend. The father is a guy who works at Shake Shack and always gives me an extra slice of cheese on my hamburger. I mean, I like this guy, but I don’t want to have his baby.
As you can imagine, I was really distracted during the exam. Is there any chance that you could throw out my final exam score and just use the other grades I earned during the semester to determine my overall grade? Thanks so much!
Hello Professor Spraster —
I have your dog. If you ever want to see Corky again, you’ll change my grade from a D to an A. I’m not kidding. Just ask my parents about what happened to Mitzy, their cat. I’m freakin’ crazy.
Dr. Kitswallen —
This is God, saying hello. Yes, that God. The One and Only. I don’t usually intervene in grade disputes, but Marjorie Orblaney showed me her final paper on tree snails that she wrote for your course on Portuguese Wildlife, and I have to say that I think it’s worth more than a C+. Could you take another look at it? Bless you.
Greetings Professor Zentz —
If you could change my final grade of F to anything else, I promise to work in a leper colony reattaching limbs for the rest of my life. Thank you.
Hey Doc —
This is Connor, from your Intro Psych class. I’m dating a Physics/Philosophy double major who only sleeps with guys carrying a 4.0 GPA. I know I’m heading towards a B- in your course right now, but could you help me out here? Please? This girl is totally HOT!
Dear Professor Skurn —
My dad has been diagnosed with Terminal Exploding Hemorrhoids, which are due to erupt soon after the end of the semester. It would mean the world to him if his only daughter — that’s me — earned all A’s this term. It would be my final gift to him. Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Dr. Plankton —
This is a course in Post-Modernism, for God’s sake. Do you really believe that grades mean ANYTHING? That being said, could you give me an A? I’d really appreciate it. Bye for now. Foucault rocks!
May all your grades be justified.