College fraternities have long had a negative reputation in U. S. higher education, where they are widely viewed as a Sodom and Gomorrah of bad behavior. But — no joke — a recent national survey, cited by the Chronicle of Higher Education, indicates that fraternity members report a higher level of mental health than non-fraternity males in the same age cohort (Daily Briefing, November 4th online).
How could that possibly be true? University Life interviewed dozens of “frat bros” around the country last week to find out. Here’s a sampling of what these young men told us:
Todd (University of Illinois) — “You ever play solitaire beer pong? It’s profoundly depressing. Hell, it makes you want to stop drinking altogether. I need my guys there to cheer me on.”
Darren (Tulane) — “When you owe DraftKings or FanDuel several thousand dollars and their no-neck collection goons are about to show up and beat the crap out of you, it’s nice to have a brother across the hall who can lend you some cash. No more concussions and internal injuries for me.”
Hunter (Mississippi State) — “Our fraternity buys high-end condoms in bulk. I’m talking about Michelin Ribbed Radials. We tape them next to every surface in the house that has enough space for a human being to lie down on. That way, a brother is never in a situation where an opportunity presents itself and no protection is readily available. It takes the stress level down to zero on party nights.”
Finn (Dartmouth) — “When you’re naked and climbing into the 3rd-floor window of a sorority house at 3:00 am, it’s reassuring to know that someone is holding on to the bottom of the ladder.”
Peyton (UCLA) — “Let’s say you haven’t attended class in a month because you’re binge-watching all 28 seasons of South Park. It’s comforting to have a frat brother tell you that ‘it’s totally okay, man! What you learn from South Park can’t be found in books’.”
Ellison (University of Texas at Austin) — “Getting ready to go on a hot first date when you discover that you have no clean underwear? Not a problem. That community laundry basket in the foosball room, filled with fresh boxer shorts, is just what the doctor ordered. And don’t forget the fabric softener. Always use Downy, Vanilla Bean scent. It drives women crazy.”
Spence (Penn State) — “Left to my own devices, I’d eat nothing but Ramen noodles. But here at Kappa Pho, there’s always a brother who’ll say to me, ‘you might want to consider supplementing that entrée with a Slim Jim. Gotta get yourself some protein, Spence-Man’. We’re all about looking out for one another.”
Perhaps it’s time we put a hold on our moral indignation and start giving fraternities the respect they deserve. Just a thought.